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007-Math — Lilacs
Published: 2007-02-18 18:02:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 225; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description
The lilacs must smellsweeter to us, those lovers
in their entwined feet.
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Comments: 5
Hellooo.
You got the 5-7-5 lines which is required in a haiku but generally there is no mention of, people. The last line "in their entwined feet" jars me badly. It doesn't make sense, I imagine two people with their feet bound, which... by far isn't a romantic image. I think this needs some work
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lol, it's not so much a haiku as a senryu..entwined feet. i just liked it. hm.
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entwinned feet is good,
but perhaps with a better entrance
so as to make everything clear.
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mmm lilacs. And I like this idea, it's very pretty. But I had a hard time seeing the lovers "in their entwined feet" - it seems the lovers are entwined in the feet of the lilacs?
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