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007-Math — The Wedding
Published: 2007-02-18 18:00:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 215; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 2
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Description I have waited long for the day
   in which we have arrived
under bouquets and church-bells.

   Life and death seem such
grey figures upon rising sun,
      this sweet passage of time
with the sound of the flowing
tepid water, down my throat,
    a deep gulp, on a rainless day
to see these vows ado.
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Comments: 3

007-salshep [2007-02-19 00:35:28 +0000 UTC]

Hi Math,

Well, I like the foundation of this, but it's a bit overworded, for the most part. I'd like to see it pruned down very hard, to bare essentials. This is just a very rough example of what I mean:

Under confetti and church-bells,
life and death become grey
figures. At dawn, the sweet
passage of time is the sound of water:
a deep gulp, on a rainless day.

(replaced the bouquets, because the image of them being 'under bouquets' was a bit odd')

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007-Math In reply to 007-salshep [2007-02-20 04:19:28 +0000 UTC]

Well, that's what I get for punching a first draft up here.

I like how you shortened it - I've saved it as a WIP to be revised (as most of my poetry dies early) so I'll take it into mind on my next draft.

Thanks

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007-salshep In reply to 007-Math [2007-02-21 22:03:06 +0000 UTC]

No worries - and this place is all about first drafts, rough work, sorting out the kinks before posting to the main page, so it's all one giant workshop. Your poetry shouldn't be dying early, you have the skill to write some polished stuff. I hope to see a lot more punched-up drafts.

- Sal

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