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AfraidToDrown β Into the Wind
Published: 2004-05-28 02:08:51 +0000 UTC; Views: 67; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 3
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Description
A girl sitsThinking thoughts unknown
Even to herself
Fiddling with the grass
The twigs fallen from the ever present tree
Watching the way the sunset really does dance across the sky
And realizing that artists donβt imagine
The rays of light that envelop the heads of saviors
And as she silently sits
She rips a leaf
Into crumpled pieces
Then lets them all be slowly torn
Out of her limp hand
One, two, three, four,
Too many to count
Thrown into the invisible wind
It is only after
They have all made their way across the field
That she slowly stands
Drifts away into the invisible dusk
Not wanting to see the sunset end.
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Comments: 4
It seems like I am always saying the same things, but again, excellent ending. I really appreciated the rhyme scheme on this one, and how it drew attention to the last line. Good job.
Two things I noticed:
You are still using larger-than-life imagery (ex: " ever present tree") where you could say something more understated and targetted.
You repeat the word "invisible" twice in the last few lines as an adjective. Unless you want repetition as an effect, make sure you vary your diction.
All-in-all, very good.
elokin
π: 0 β©: 1
actually i used invisible twice for a reason..because the girl is much like the leaves that she lets go of..just drifting away into something unseen
and then the tree..well i dunno..there is this big tree at my school that all my friends and i hang out underneath..and thats where i get all these ideas..so thats why its always there..
but i am very glad you liked it!
π: 0 β©: 0
a perfect word picture of a sublime moment
π: 0 β©: 1
