Iced-Stars [2012-01-08 22:51:19 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

Thank you for your submission to #ZealZone !

I love the extended metaphor comparing your writing to painting a picture - it's very well done!
My only qualm with it is that the line comparing one's mind to an "ever-running engine" disrupts the running theme a little. First, the poem compares the components of writing to those of painting, but then suddenly the mind is compared to a machine. It's a bit of a jarring topic change.
Mainly, what I got from that line is that the mind thinks about writing nonstop ("ever-running"), so my suggestion would be to change just the phrase "ever-running engine" to something that flows a little better with the rest of the earlier metaphor. (Maybe something along the lines of "ever-active force?" e.deviantart.net/emoticons/a/a… " width="19" height="19" alt="" title="Sweating a little..."/>)

Kind of on the same topic, it would be nice to have some sort of transition leading into "reality is a nuisance" to link the ideas of the extended metaphor and this new topic.
Erm, also, the phrasing of "nutriment is essential" is a bit awkward. My interpretation is that you are trying to say that writing is one's entire life, and even more important than reality, judging by the way even eating is a "nuisance," though "essential." Maybe this line could be tweaked to better relate it to previous one, to better get across that the reason "reality is a nuisance" is because it burdens the writer with practical necessities like eating and "nutriment."

Overall, a poem with a great concept! It really makes you think, and the ideas behind it are well-thought out. It just needs a little editing for continuity and to better communicate its ideas to the reader.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

TaciturnReserve [2012-01-10 04:42:22 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for your submission to #ZealZone ! So sorry your acceptance took so long.

Since I've read and critiqued quite a bit of the poetry you've submitted, I feel confident in saying that you are showing marked improvement! You have gotten much better at organizing your thoughts and at expressing what you want to convey clearly and concisely.

The metaphor of writing to painting is well done and well thought out. It strays a little, when you use the word "tool" ("brush" would be more appropriate).
"The mind" also sounds too distant, too me, after the anaphora of "My" in the previous two lines. If you continue with "my mind" it would give you a tidy, visually and aurally appealing little section.

I also think that the phrase "nutriment is essential" is out of place. I think I understand what you are trying to convey, but this doesn't quite do it. I think perhaps a comment of fantasy or fiction might work better here, since you are following, in the same sentence, a statement about reality.

Overall, very, very good work! Keep it up!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

eternalwriterstar [2012-01-02 17:25:06 +0000 UTC]

that was good

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

kixx27 [2012-01-02 02:38:54 +0000 UTC]

lol you want that on a t shirt dont you??

👍: 0 ⏩: 1