WilloftheWarrior [2011-08-27 02:07:09 +0000 UTC]

I'll tell you what I think later.

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MadPrinceFeanor [2011-08-18 18:20:12 +0000 UTC]

I know you don't have a request for critique on this, but here goes a critique-y thing anyway:

I really love how this is almost two poems that have been meshed together, the alternating lines in italic and parentheses is really strong and makes the reader want to go over the poem several times. I read it as a whole once, then just the italicized lines, then the alternating lines, and each time I feel I got something new out of the poem. The gradual reduction of the italicized lines, "It was once", "Was once", and "Once" makes for a powerful sense of the speaker growing as diminished as the lines themselves.

The use of "a" instead of "my" in the line, "Was once a crime scene" doesn't seem to fit to me, but instead of changing it to "Was once my crime scene", I almost want to change some other lines to balance the use of the two conjunctions, to become "It was once a graveyard", keeping "my sanctuary" and "Once an enslavement". I feel like having those lines objectifying and then the following italicized line claiming ownership with the use of "my" would enhance the strange yet powerful sense of disconnect that ties the piece together. (I am, of course, now struggling with the concept of using "an" instead of "a", so even "Once an enslavement" I would have to make something like, "Once a prison" or something along those lines, but that's because I'm mildly obsessive-compulsive. )

All in all, this is a very deep piece (pun unintended) that percolates with an eerie yet calming feel, like the acceptance of a drowning person that they are going to die. Bravo. I love it.

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