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Description
A sunny day in the park.  There is a single bench CENTRE  stage.  GOD is sitting on the LEFT side of the bench.  He has long, white hair and a long, white beard, and is wearing a simple white robe.  He is reading a newspaper.  Enter PETER from the RIGHT.   He is wearing black pants, leather shoes, white socks and a white shirt.  He is carrying a paper bag.  PETER sits on the bench next to GOD, setting his bag next to him.  He folds his hands and admires the weather.

PETER.  Nice weather today, eh?
GOD [focusing on his newspaper]. Mm-hm.
PETER. [Extending his hand] Peter.
GOD [shaking PETER’s hand]. God.

[GOD returns his attention to his newspaper.]

PETER. What, like Godfrey?
GOD.  No.  Like God.
PETER.  As in… [pointing skywards]
GOD.  Yes.
PETER.  Your parents had high expectations or something?
GOD.  I have no parents.
PETER.  Oh, I’m sorry.
GOD.  I don’t mean that they died.  I mean that I don’t have parents. I am God.  Or at least I was God.
PETER. That’s…good.
GOD. You don’t believe me, do you?
PETER. Not really, no.
GOD. It doesn’t matter whether you believe in me or not anyway.  I’m not God anymore.
PETER. Really.
GOD. I stopped.
PETER. You stopped being God?
GOD.  Yes.  It was far too stressful.
PETER.  How can you stop being God?
GOD.  I’m God, I can do anything.  Or at least I could do anything.
PETER. Could you go back to being God?
GOD.  No.  I can’t do everything anymore.
PETER. Because you’re not God anymore.
GOD.  Haven’t we been over this already?
PETER. Sorry.

[Pause.]

Well, God, as great as it was meeting such a celebrity, I should probably be going now.  Over there.
GOD.  What is it?
PETER.  Nothing, I only…
GOD.  You want proof, don’t you?  You people always want proof.
PETER.  Well…
GOD.  Fine.  Here.  Your name is Peter.  Your birthday was yesterday.  You have a birthmark on your foot that looks like a turnip.  Shall I go on?
PETER.  How the…
GOD.  Because I remember.   I used to know everything.  That included the little things.
PETER.  So you really are…
GOD.  Was.  And by the way, that secretary you always flirt is actually a man.

[There is a pause.  GOD returns his focus to his newspaper. PETER takes out a sandwich from his bag.  He takes a bite and chews it, his glances constantly going back to GOD.]

PETER [after swallowing his bite]. So, God.  What’s it like in Heaven?
GOD.  It’s alright.
PETER. “Alright”?  It’s only “alright”?
GOD.  You might like it.
PETER.  I “might”?
GOD. You have a very annoying habit of repeating what I say, you know that?
PETER. I’m just surprised that eternal salvation is only “alright”.
GOD.  It’s not much worse than where you go if you’ve sinned.
PETER [taking another bite of his sandwich]. Hell?
GOD.  No, Quebec.
PETER [Stops in mid-chew]. Quebec.
GOD.  Yes.
PETER. The province.
GOD.  That’s the one.
PETER.  That’s where you go if you’ve sinned.
GOD [nodding]. Quebec.
PETER.  Doesn’t the bible say “hell”?
GOD.  That’s one interpretation.
PETER.  You make the mysteries of the universe seem very simple.
GOD.  That’s because they are.
PETER [leaning]. Alright then… here’s another one for you.
GOD.  Go ahead.
PETER.  How was the universe created?
GOD.  I don’t know.  It was here when I got here.
PETER.  When you got here?  You mean you haven’t always been around?
GOD.  I’ve always been around.  But so has the universe.  I guess you could say we got here at the same time.
PETER.  Not even you know how the universe came into being?
GOD.  Is it important?
PETER.  Well…
GOD.  Is it required knowledge for your day to day existence?
PETER.  Well, no, but…
GOD.  Then who cares?
PETER.  Lots of people care!  Just because I don’t need it to do my taxes doesn’t mean it’s not important.
GOD.  But it isn’t important.  You’re here now, shouldn’t you focus on that?  Stop living in the past.
PETER.  Never mind.   [Finishes his sandwich, and notices the article GOD is reading.  He points to it] What about this, then?  Those people aren’t ‘here now’.  What do you think about that?
GOD.  Sucks to be them.
PETER [incredulously]. Sucks to be them?   Shouldn’t you be a little bit more compassionate?
GOD.  Why?  It’s not like I ever met them.
PETER.  You’re God!
GOD.  I was God.
PETER.  What does it matter?  I would think that even an ex-higher being would be more empathetic.
GOD.  It’s not like I had anything to do with it.
PETER.  People died!
GOD.  Shit happens.
PETER.  Were you like this when you were still God?
GOD.  More or less.  You know how a teacher will tell you they like every student equally?  Did you ever really believe that?
PETER.  So you just sat back and let people suffer?
GOD.  No, I delegated suffering detail to some temps.  I liked working with irony.
PETER.  Like what?
GOD.  Like this one time a guy died of a heart attack from his joy at winning the lottery.
PETER.  That’s horrible!
GOD.  It’s funny, and you know it.  I got tired of that, too, eventually.
PETER.  I thought you were a being of infinite patience.
GOD.  You thought lots of things about me.
PETER.  So who’s in charge now that you’re gone?
GOD.  Ian.  He’s a dick.
PETER.  …Ian.
GOD.  Yeah.  Watch your step with Ian.
PETER.  Who’s Ian?
GOD.  God now, I suppose.
PETER.  Was he an angel?
GOD.  Yeah.  He’s also a complete dick.
PETER.  I’m guessing you don’t like him.
GOD.  No one really did.  He’d always beg for money and never pay us back, he smelled and I think he stole my pen.  That was a really nice pen.
PETER.  So how did he become God?
GOD.  It just turned out that way.
PETER.  Arbitrarily?
GOD.  Not entirely.  He won the raffle.
PETER.  There was a raffle to decide who would become God…
GOD.  I won a toaster.
PETER.  …And now the new God… is a dick.
GOD.  Yeah.  Watch your step.
PETER.  How so?
GOD.  He’s letting the new position get to his head.  Watch out for the minor stuff.  Floss after every meal, don’t step on the cracks, that kind of thing.
PETER.  How do I know what to do and what not to do?
GOD.  He’ll probably kill your dog or set your house on fire or something.
PETER.  What!
GOD.  He’s not very subtle.
PETER.  That’s terrible!
GOD.  By the way, what kind of sandwich was that?
PETER.  Ham and cheese.

[GOD winces.]

PETER.  What?  What is it?
GOD.  Ian's a vegan.
PETER.  He is?

[A fire engine siren is heard nearby.]

GOD.  That’ll be for you.
PETER [rising]. My house!
GOD.  I hope nothing important was in there.
PETER.  Everything was in there!
GOD.  Well, not anymore.
PETER.  I don’t believe this…
GOD.  Sit down, you’re making me nervous.
PETER.  I’m making you nervous?  I’m making you nervous?   My house just burned down because of a sandwich.
GOD.  You’ll get used to it.
PETER.  What, like Poland got used to Germany?
GOD.  You don’t have much choice, do you?

[PETER attempts to formulate a retort, but finds himself unable.  He picks up his bag.]

PETER.  This is your fault, you know.
GOD.  Oh sure, blame me.
PETER.  It’s your fault the universe is now ruled by a… a tyrant.
GOD.  It’s always my fault.  You humans are always looking for a scapegoat, and it’s always me.  You should be more like platypuses.
PETER.  Platypuses?
GOD.  Platypuses.  I mean, just look at them.  They’re ridiculous.  But I never hear a complaint out of them.  Not one.
PETER.  That’s because they’re not capable of complaints.
GOD.  I suppose you think of that as a bad thing.
PETER.  I think of sentient thought as a good thing.
GOD.  Enabling you to complain?

[A cell phone rings.  GOD takes it from a pocket, but does not answer it.  He allows it to ring again.  And again.  And again.]

PETER [with sudden impatience]. Are you going to answer that?
GOD.  I always let the phone ring a few times.  Keeps them on their toes.
PETER.  “Them”?

[GOD puts a finger to his lips to silence PETER and finally answers the phone.]

GOD.  Go.  Mm-hm.  Oh, good.  Uh-huh.  Yeah.  Yeah, alright, I’ll be there in five.  See you then.   [Putting his cell phone away, getting up] It’s been nice talking to you, Peter.  Maybe we’ll see each other around some time.  [Goes to exit LEFT] Oh, and Peter…
PETER.   [Stopping] What?
GOD.  Ian hates it when people wear white socks with black shoes.

[PETER suddenly freezes.  He clutches at his heart and falls to the ground.  GOD walks to his body and nudges it with his foot, then takes his pulse.]

GOD.  Oh my.   [Into PETER’s ear, loudly, as if that would make him be heard] BE SURE TO VISIT LA RONDE.

[GOD looks at the body for one more second, shrugs, and exits stage LEFT.]

[Lights out for three seconds.]

[Lights on. PETER rises, moaning and clutching his heart. DEATH stands over him.]