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Published: 2004-02-09 14:12:11 +0000 UTC; Views: 270; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 47
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Description
It was three days just beforethe man had laid her down
She was looking pale, so fragile
Anyone could have known
Her body so frail- it could not
With stand the pain she got
Her eyes teared up, blood shot from fear
Didn't know if she should be ashamed
Didn't know a thing.
It could be normal for everyone
Each bruise would be just another
Each scar, cut, would be just finer
Is it an everyday thing?
Her father always drinking, drunk
Couldn't tell right from wrong
Poster man for shallow minds
and simple souless brain
She'd walk to school in rags
"No goodbye good luck at school" From mom
traveled through her life with nothing
Nothing but her dreams
Though they weren't strong enough
Few days after Valentines
She met the final fate of hers
To be laid down by the one
She always stood alone
Looking at the floor when walking
singing to herself, nice tunes
Escaping from reality- forming
Forming her own lie.
Comments: 30
To me the poem sounds melodramatic and corny. I think it's the lack of imagery and detail (not all poems need detail but IMO stories like this do), it feels too abstract and clichΓ©d, not at all sad or touching. There are so many poems just like this, without original imagery or thoughts you cannot stand out. Expanding your vocabulary and varying sentence structure would also be a good ideas.
The rhyming scheme - or the lack of it - really bothers me. The first stanza rhymes, the second stanza does so too, but in a different manner. Many of the other stanzas don't rhyme at all. It's sometimes a good trick to have both rhyming and non-rhyming parts, but it definitely doesn't work at all here. This might be a much better poem if it didn't try to follow some kind of a set form and without rhymes.
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wow!! this is good!! i'm in love w/your poem!! AHHH!! 
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wow, amazing job!!! 
"It could be normal for everyone
Each bruise would be just another
Each scar, cut, would be just finer
Is it an everyday thing?"
-really LOVE this part 
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You create beautiful images. You paint with words. I can understand why raves about you!
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heh, im raved about?!? delightful!! thank you very very much 
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Great imagery. I'm not really sure what it's about but it's really good.
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I like this. You did a great job of expressing the feelings of pain, and sorrow that the protagonist of this piece is going through. You also used imagery well, it helped to recreate the story of the poem well.
Your diction was good, it created a very morbid mood (to quote above), which fit well with the subject. The linebreaks were well spaced, but puncuation would have improved the flow significantly.
Keep up the great work!
Greg!
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hehe i need to work on that punctuation, i do.... im just really lazy which is bad....heh
thanks for the comment,
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Your stuff is awesome and thats great and all... But seriously... I dunno... I read your stuff and I think "how in the world can all this go on in one persons life?" or do you write about stuff that isn't going on in your life? Seriously... Also... You have a very morbid way of writing where everyone is hurt or gets hurt or dies or something bad happens to them. Don't exagerate anything... Tell the honest blunt painful truth... Just don't exxagerate... This isn't about this poem... It's about all of them... Just... Yea... I do love your work though.
-CA
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the ones that are true i say personal experiance in the description
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*admires your talent*
*gives you strawberries*
amazing poem....
+fav
Mel
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Excellent. REminds me of "concrete angel" in what it is about. Great job.
-tif
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"She always stood alone
Looking at the floor when walking
singing to herself, nice tunes
Escaping from reality- forming
Forming her own lie. "
the two lines [again]. Brilliant.
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Wonderfule, absolutely wonderfule
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lovely to hear from you,
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Least I can do after you put your sanity at risk by going through my gallery 
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but i so so so love it.
wonderful job Holly!!!!
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TWINKIES FO' LIFE!!!!
wooot wooot!!
ewwww i have computer course next- blah since i finished everything the tweacher wants me to make him a power point presentation on FLASH so he can use it to teach the class... and thats jsut boring- but i get extra credit!!! hehe Hum so i am OFF TO DO THE PRESENTATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wow, excellent poem. I love the third person reference to her physical and emotional disposition. Really very powerful, good work!
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wow....this is a great job. well done and written. your words are incredible. you should be proud of your talent
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yeah i need to work on my self confidance, i think everything i do .. well sucks majorly- just another thing to improve on in life
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treat it like a hobby
i admire your work so very much. it was scary how on the mark your poems were last week.
it helped me get though my own feelings. keep the good work
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wow, that i think... is one of the gretest things a writer can hear!!!!! reaching to toher people with my own words.. eee! i am speechless, thank you for reading, thank you!!
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