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Arcer26 [2009-04-18 00:52:19 +0000 UTC]

I'm sorry, I'm not currently subscribed so I can't actually Critique. I must leave a migraine-inducing-length comment instead.

Excellently written chapter. It flows much more smoothly than Trial 4, which was understandably a little frantic what with just starting out and cutting in in the middle of a fight.

I have to say, though, the back-and-forth of referring to characters with their last names and then their first names is a little distracting. It’s okay for villains or fringe characters, I think, but I personally become sort of “attached” to the main characters and come to know them by their first names, like Jason and Terra. It gives them sort of their “feel” that I follow throughout the story, which is jarred abruptly when I hear Shiro or Verdant. I understand that you’re probably trying to keep up variety and avoiding just saying “Jason did Terra said Jason said Terra did.” For me, though, it’s a little unsettling. Just something to consider.

A question I had: if both of them are in Accelera, shouldn’t it essentially feel to them like they were moving at the same speed? I ask because when Void was in Decelera, he seemed to feel that he was moving at ordinary speed, and his opponents were simply faster. So the effects of the spell seem to be relative. And since Terra started later, shouldn’t she have had an extra few seconds after Cipher’s Accelera expired to kick the crap out of him, in which his actions returned to normal and hers stayed rapid? Knowing her, she would have taken advantage of that gap to do some serious damage. It just felt like they returned at the same time when it said “as time reverts for both fighters.”

Also—is Accelera’s only weakness the time limit? Because if so, it would rather seem to be one of those “Mary Sue” attacks (I am NOT calling any of your characters Mary Sues or Gary Stus, because you are very good about not doing that, but rather the attack/spell itself) which just give a dozen advantages with no apparent consequence. If that were the case, wouldn’t everyone that could just go around casting it for fights all the time, and if they happen to meet up with someone who couldn’t do it, sucks for them? It would make sense to me that it would have some deterrent to just continuously using it, such as that it drains a lot of Magna, or it taxes the body because although your reactions speed up, the body is doing a strenuous amount of work in half the time, etc. I’m sure you’ve thought of this already, I’m just asking because I’m curious.

All that said, your fight scenes are very absorbing indeed. I inadvertently tense up when reading them, and the fact that I’m nitpicking about all this is an indicator of how clearly the fight comes alive. (And there are definitely points when I can tell—ah, he’s a martial artist, he knows what he’s talking about )

And I do like the fact that you address things such as Terra putting up a wall to avoid further damage to the town or townspeople, or Jason being considerate of the town’s economy, etc. These things simply seem to get ignored in a lot of other manga or anime, much like the bag that you were careful to draw on Terra a couple of Trials back because like me, the constant presence of seemingly bottomless and invisible storage units concerned you. It’s little details like that which really make a story come to life.

One very, very small note: at the bottom of page 10 on the PDF, you begin two sentences with “He then” in a row. It just sounds a little odd.

Another idle question of curiosity: does a favored hand come into play when using Magna, like when using a weapon? (Can one be left-handed or right-handed, or have a preference for which side he or she channels the magna out of?) It caught my attention that Jason chose to cauterize his wound with his right hand, leaving his left to swing the blade. I wondered if he was left-handed, or ambidextrous, or that was the hand he uses Magna best out of, or what. (You may have told me if he was left-handed at one point. I seem to have forgotten. TT___TT)

Again, I like your attention to detail as you note how Jason’s long hair falls in his eyes. Why does he keep it long? It can’t be practical in a fighter. For that matter, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Terra tie her hair back, for a fight or otherwise. Ares either restrains his hair well with the headband or it just stands up like that, being shorter, but Jason’s hair must pose quite a hazard.

I seem to be doing nothing but asking questions, I’m sorry. But there’s still so much about this world that I don’t know. Wouldn’t a seasoned fighter like Terra, especially one so accustomed to using the Time Arts, be guarded against something like Stasis? Again, that’s definitely an insta-win move right there. It doesn’t make sense that she wouldn’t be anticipating it in a fight. Or is it so high-level that it’s not reasonable for her to be prepared against it? Or is there simply not a way to prevent it?

Please take my crazy detail-orientedness as a compliment—you weave such a great story that it’s impossible not to want to know every detail about it. I apologize for being a pain and leaving a huge critique that’s really more like a barrage of interrogation.

We’ve certainly gotten to a point in the main plot very quickly, haven’t we? I didn’t imagine that our unfortunate heroes would already be locked up in Altair’s fortress (or whatever he resides in).

Exhausted from reading such an enthralling section! I think I need a break before the next one. Is this how you feel after writing an intense fight scene?

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Arcer26 [2009-04-18 00:49:59 +0000 UTC]

And I forgot to comment on the last one, but I did get a kick out of the oh-so-competent heroes who may or may not be from a verse called something similar to Finale Fantasia Vee Eye Eye.

Also: I'm a tad confused. Did Terra's surname change from Midori to Verdant at some point?

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