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BLEACH-IT-WHITE — Lacking Rain
Published: 2012-05-17 00:40:10 +0000 UTC; Views: 229; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 3
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Description
Lacking RainSalvation is scorched by
the desert sun, as all else.
The sky is stretched above the white
sand. It is unable to be linked
with the sky in this arid place.
I long for rain! To wash
away the world, leaving
a fairer image, a blank
canvas, devoid of this blood
and this sand.
Salvation under the desert sun.
What irony. Ha, I am laughing. See? I am
not mad, though nearly
BLEACH IT WHITE
BLEACH IT WHITE
Love, thou hast abandoned me to
the red-eyed dogs. Why?
We do not belong here, we are rabid,
take us away, we the blood
stained. Salvation is nonexistent
under the desert sun.
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Comments: 7
I think this has potential. I liked the first lines - they definitely caught my eye. "salvation is scorched" that is such a strong image and idea.
I also liked "we are rabid, take us away, we the blood stained" this had an excellent rhythm to it and a real feel for hunger and depravity.
I think you also captured the overall feel of the desert and dryness and hopelessness, so nice!
now here are some things you may want to rethink:
"It is unable to be linked with the sky in this arid place" this could be written much more smoothly but right now there are too many words - it needs to be punchier.
"I long for rain! To wash" the exclamation to me is a bit strange and unnecessarily sharp. I'd recommend removing it
"devoid of this blood" what blood? "this" blood suggests it has been mentioned before and readers should know what blood you're talking about.
I suggest mentioning something about blood shed earlier or at this moment in the poem. It seems a bit irrelevant otherwise.
although I like the line "bleach it white" it seems out of place. I think it should be separated into it's own stanza.
"thou hast" odd you switch to early modern english when it hasn't been used.
all of these are just suggestions, my own opinion, so you're welcome to disagree with all of it
I hope you find some of it helpful though.
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Thank you very, very much for critiquing!
"It is unable to be linked/with the sky in this arid place"- I know, I know, I hate those lines. I'm working on it.
"I long for rain! To wash"- I originally had something else, but I shortened it up to what you see here. I think I may go with what I had before. (The original line was "How I long for rain! For it to wash", which actually flows better now that I'm thinking about it.)Thanks for pointing this out.
"devoid of this blood"- And this is what happens when I write from a canon that I haven't explicitly stated. Yep, "this blood" doesn't make a whole lot of sense out of context (this is a fanfic poem which evolved). "devoid of the blood and the sand" might work better. What do you think?
"bleach it white"- The whole point IS to be out of place. Sorta the same logic for "thou hast". Both follow up on the deterioration of the narrator's sanity.
Again thank you very very very very much for giving such a great comment. I most certainly found it helpful!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
you're welcome
ah, yes I think that flows better
yeah that works
I see, well if it's intentional can't really argue with it haha
no problem! I'm just glad you found it helpful
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