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Published: 2013-03-11 23:37:53 +0000 UTC; Views: 228; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 0
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she once told me, over a train table with some murky coffee, that she was unsure of herself. and I clenched my fingers in internal agony until there were crescent welts on my palms, little moons that shone of hope as my guiding light. there were teardrops clinging to her lashes, little melted icicles, and I held her hand and told her that I would capture the moon to see her smile.she looked at me with uncertainty and whispered back, how could you possibly do that? the moon is so far away from us. it hangs there in the sky, in constant orbit, never getting close enough to hold or to touch.
and I smiled at her and used her fingers to trace over those crescents on my palms, and she watched as each individual one was lifted from its dark pink pain back into the normality of skin, and when she looked up again I could see them in her eyes, the little moons that had settled there, and the constellations of her tear-dew lashes –
I was swept up in her, and all that she was, I felt like she was a little part of my soul that occupied me and continues to, soft and subtle but there. she doesn't want me to talk about her and spread my word, as my word is that she is in the moon drenched evenings when you sit and watch the stars, and she is in the sun that warms the frozen with its sweet light, and she is my leader in the dance of life, but she thinks so much less of herself. and I swear with prayers dripping from my tongue honey sweet, that she will always be a deity to me.
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Comments: 7
Laeneris [2013-03-31 01:56:33 +0000 UTC]
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Hello there! I promised I'd write a critique in return, as a thank-you, so here goes. I hope that I'll be of help to you. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="15" height="15" alt="
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Quite contrary to the title, this seems to be so much more than just a conversation. It seems to be something that goes beyond what words can tell someone, and I think therein lies the elegance of this piece. This piece speaks to me of an almost otherworldly beauty and admiration. I think you've handled this very well.
The relationship between the characters is effectively portraited, leaving the reader with a sense of their personalities with just a few words. I also thinks many people will be able to recognize themselves in the words of the girl.
That said, I'm not sure how I felt about the word "crescent" being reused.
While I realize it fits with the theme of the moon, and that the repetance adds to it, I couldn't help but feel it was receiving too much emphasis for such a short piece. This is just my opinion of course, feel free to use it as you see fit.
The last sentence is simply outstanding and wraps up the entire piece in a great way. Amazing job - I wish I could write about feelings like you do. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h… " width="15" height="13" alt="
" title="Heart"/> I look forward to reading more from you!
e.deviantart.net/emoticons/c/c… " width="20" height="20" alt="
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bubblemoth In reply to Laeneris [2013-04-06 22:38:53 +0000 UTC]
gosh thank you so much! i'm really glad you liked it and thanks for pointing out the repetition of crescent so many times, i actually didnt notice and meant to change it!! ill do that right now uvu
thank you again im really glad you like my stuff!!
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Laeneris In reply to bubblemoth [2013-04-10 00:08:44 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome! I'm glad I decided to read this, and I think you got me hooked on your other submissions as well.
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bubblemoth In reply to Laeneris [2013-04-10 21:26:44 +0000 UTC]
ahh really? gosh THANK YOU so much thats so sweet! ;v;
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whatpumpkins [2013-03-20 21:03:46 +0000 UTC]
this is so so beautiful. i love all the talk about the moon, just wow wow wow
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bubblemoth In reply to whatpumpkins [2013-03-21 11:29:17 +0000 UTC]
ahh thank you i love moons uvu
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