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bubblemoth β corporeal stardust
Published: 2014-03-13 03:24:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 368; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 0
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Description
once upon a timeback when the oceans
were nothing
and the sky
was empty
and god was feeling
creative
when they made the trees breathe
and the mountains
rise with the sun
they created stars
and scattered them so far
they could not possibly
keep track
so one got lost
among the twisting nether
of the endless space
but i've found you now,
at last.
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Comments: 6
This is totally random but I've always wondered if God (as in God, the savior son and Holy Spirit, cross an all) ever thought about using different colors for things, like a purple sun or blue grass.
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blue grass would be wonderful.
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This is a very smooth, if vague piece. The flow is very good even with the lines broken like they are. The vagueness is also very intriguing, as it allows the reader to sort of place their own beliefs into the piece. The punctuation does as you think it should, and adds the symbolism of the gods having finally made man and civilization. Its abstract and poetic and all that it needs to be and more. Its such a pretty piece with such deep meaning if a reader wants to put it there, so kudos I say. Fantastic!
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ahh thank you very much!
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i cant really understand if your stanzas are related to our world or a fictional world. I can be dense when it comes to metaphors and allegories, especially if there is inconsistency or lack of pattern. This seems a little obscure to me, so i cant follow. Also I feel that it's hard for people like me Β to appreciate these kinds of stories if they aren't aligned with the facts. When I say facts I'm talking about when you talk about deities.Β
I think that it may help to add some sort of pattern/structure or somethin' to help one better appreciate your writing. If they are simply words with neither pattern or structure in any sense then that sort of defeats a lot of the purpose of poetry.
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well considering there are many deities, all with vague, overlapping, and often contradicting stories, there arent many facts to them! the poem centers around the time before creation and the idea that when whatever deity (i am aware of the big bang, but in this poems case, let's roll with a creation story) created our world, that a little bit of magic got lost and the narrator believes they found it in the person at the end.
honestly, i almost ENTIRELY write in free verse. 
also, i thought i kept the "space" theme going throughout. did i fall short or did you not notice?
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