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bubblemoth — drowning lessons
Published: 2013-05-21 03:08:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 221; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 0
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Description
i forget to not breathe sometimes,when life feels a bit less thick and heavy
remembering to choke is a hard thing.
let it creep into your very core
crush your soul like ant’s abdomens.
wet trails of something
begging you not to forget it;
don’t forget, you’re
meant to be drowning, it whispers,
[and the waves drag you back out.]
teach them. maybe through tactile learning
letting them feel the crushing weight of
[water?] it all on their shoulders.
you can’t rise against all that force
it’s not as easy as not being “lazy”
or “selfish” or “good for nothing”-
people are too much.
it’s almost funny. you see,
I can be sitting in a room with a million people
and not a single one
will know
to save me
from drowning.
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Comments: 1
Have to say, I really enjoyed this poem. It's incredibly powerful. The first stanza is probably my favourite - a really powerful beginning that draws you into the poem immediately. I also really love the line "crush your soul like ant's abdomens" because it's such a strange image but you've managed to make it work wonderfully.
I felt that the third stanza was a little weaker than the rest of the poem, simply because there were some parts that I felt stunted the flow. For example:
"letting them feel the crushing weight of
[water?] it all on their shoulders."
I'm not sure if the "[water?]" in parenthesis is really necessary here. For me, anyway, it kind of made me stop, confused me for a second before I could make sense of what was actually being said. Might just be me though!
The wording of "it’s not as easy as not being “lazy”
or “selfish” or “good for nothing”-" also felt a little different from the rest of the poem. I feel that the majority of the poem is very succinct and poignant but those two lines seemed a bit more amateur.
The ending, I thought, was fantastic. I love that you seperated "to save me" and "from drowning" into separate stanzas. That works incredibly well.
All in all, a great read! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="
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