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bubblemoth β€” lines
Published: 2013-03-07 22:09:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 930; Favourites: 17; Downloads: 0
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Description you breathe in, and I breathe out, because that's how it works.
you always told me, don't worry my dear,
because you just need to whisper back to me
all the things ive whispered to you.

on seaward nights, where the salt sticks to your skin and makes it white
and rough, like a decayed ghost without a sound to sell -
and maybe then, I can murmur those things you've taught me so well,
when you bite my hips
and leave marks for years to come,
and teach my bird hollow bones to fall
(but only to fall.)

there are weapons in your words.
and there are daggers in men's smiles;
but sometimes you’ve got to be cut to a million pieces -
those shiny metal teeth, the glint in your mouth
hover over the gloss of your tongue and vermilion lips
a gash in your face, deadly sweet like snow white's apple -
before you can recognise which smiles are daggers,
and which smiles are gold and silver and love.

you kiss my lids
and slit open my eyes
to let my soul breathe sometimes.
sew up my mouth so I don’t scream,
burn me at the stake.
I am a martyr for my own lost cause,
wrapped up in gasoline lies
and jacked up on unspoken promises and susurrus silence.

there are lines drawn across my lungs.
they lead you right and let you crush my heart,
and you breathe in, and I breathe out.
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Comments: 14

Erudi [2013-04-19 23:32:07 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact


You've got something interesting here. It's intriguing, what you're trying to do with your punctuation and all that, but it's poorly exhibited. When writers ignore capitalization in certain parts, they do it for a purpose. It only looks fitting in moderation, but otherwise it just looks lazy.
Your words and imagery are very nice here -- this was something I liked. This poem is about your suffering, and you portray that well. I liked the second stanza especially.

My biggest suggestions? Work on punctuation and capitalization. What do you really want people to get out of your choice in those? I like your writing style, though. Very nice. Keep up the good work!

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bubblemoth In reply to Erudi [2013-04-20 15:16:51 +0000 UTC]

i'm glad you like it! unfortunately i don't capitalize anything, not because i'm lazy, but because it's the way i write. i only capitalize for professional works. my reason for leaving it out is personal, and i enjoy leaving it out because it flows better and looks less rigid and polished (which i personally dislike in poetry!) as for punctuation i am still working on that! thank you for your input though uvu

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Erudi In reply to bubblemoth [2013-04-20 16:52:07 +0000 UTC]

Oh, I see. Yes, sometimes it's a style.

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MozartsNemesis [2013-04-11 03:29:32 +0000 UTC]

This is definitely an interesting piece. I like it, and it makes me sick to my stomach. Nicely done.

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bubblemoth In reply to MozartsNemesis [2013-04-13 16:49:38 +0000 UTC]

thank you! i think..

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MozartsNemesis In reply to bubblemoth [2013-04-13 21:57:02 +0000 UTC]

Lol.. thats a compliment. It takes a special writer to convey two seperate emotions the way you did, and make me feel both of them.

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bubblemoth In reply to MozartsNemesis [2013-04-13 23:14:35 +0000 UTC]

ah okay! i wasn't sure making people feel sick was a good thing you see. ;u; so thank you very much!!

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Ambiguous-Catharsis [2013-03-19 16:07:23 +0000 UTC]

This piece literally took my breath away. Beautiful job

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bubblemoth In reply to Ambiguous-Catharsis [2013-03-19 21:46:41 +0000 UTC]

gosh thank you!

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Shroomsta [2013-03-12 15:17:29 +0000 UTC]

This is really amazing, I loved reading the whole thing but I think what really got me falling for this piece is the way you brought the end back to the start. It just ties it together so perfectly, good display of your clearly awesome skills!

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bubblemoth In reply to Shroomsta [2013-03-12 20:12:52 +0000 UTC]

oh gosh, thank you so much!!!! uvu

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TotallyUncreativeMe [2013-03-09 13:39:01 +0000 UTC]

This is really beautiful and heartbreaking!

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bubblemoth In reply to TotallyUncreativeMe [2013-03-09 14:35:18 +0000 UTC]

ah thank you so much! uvu
(thank you for the watch also <3)

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TotallyUncreativeMe In reply to bubblemoth [2013-03-09 20:17:23 +0000 UTC]

you're welcome, you write fantastic poetry

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