Tales-of-Tao [2013-12-15 04:03:35 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

First, let me answer your questions; then I'll get down to nit and grit.

1. I'm a little torn about whether or not the title is fitting...mainly because I find it catchy. Possibly because I found myself wondering whether or not the obviously more intimate moments near the end of the poem were real or not. If they're actually happening, then I might have second thoughts over whether or not the title is fitting; such a sharing of closeness would leave little to the imagination, at least while it was in progress. If it was all in the narrator's mind, merely instigated in such force by the closeness of the other person, then my answer would be an undeniable yes! And, as a third option, if I fell into a trap set for readers to question the reality of the moment myself...well, good job. I know when I've been tangoed, and you certainly pulled off your aim well.

2. Yes. I love the flow for this. The only parts that throw me just slightly are the lines "over thunder crashes and lightning flickers", and "and can you feel my blood". For starters, that "and" feels like it's taking some of the punch from that line. I'd suggest you drop it entirely. Also, I feel like they are meant to be two separate thoughts, but they tend to run together due to a lack of punctuation between them. I'd add a period at the end of the former, to set the latter on its own pace.

3. For the most part, I adore your choice of words. I might only complain about that pesky "and", and the word "flickers" because it automatically makes me think of a verb/action that the lightning itself is taking, as opposed to a manifestation of the lightning itself.

4. I have a clear image indeed. I think the only bit that seems unnecessary/out of place would be this bit:
"let the netting protect & shielf us
from anything and everything out there.
hold my hand when I get scared
over thunder crashes and lightning flickers"
So in fact, scratch my previous bit about the word "flickers"; that whole section just seemed a bit distracting to me. It's probably just a personal thing, but it seems slower and more vulnerable than the overall breathless, in-the-moment kind of feel the rest of the poem seems to portray. I would personally recommend that you just go from "let the glow of your cigarette reflect in my irises" to "can you feel my blood pound, (next line) pulsing through my skin and into yours?" If you like, you could even through a stanza jump between the cigarette line and the others. Just a couple of passing thoughts; overall, I absolutely adored this piece. I actually threw my two-pence in as well, while answering your questions, so I'll leave you with a round of applause. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/c/c… " width="20" height="20" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="60" title="Clap"/>

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mediafreq [2013-12-01 20:20:51 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

sit with me, crosslegged and toe-to-toe
while the sun sleeps deep below the mountains,
sit with me among my mahogany four-posts
draped in nets and fairy lights that cast
pink and green and orange
over our tired eyes and tied-up tongues.

Think you have something here. The image is of a a person, sitting silent, hardly touching; she/he longing for the partner within the confines of an old mahogany, four poster bed bedecked with fabric shear and dressed with pulsing lights in myriad, rainbow colors; she/he has been so for much too long, waiting, wanting. and she/he is tired, yet, never moving away from the longing..

So, think about the setting. If you have actually been as you relate, then re-enact the scene and tell it as it was. The rhythm of this interlude lacks a certain smoothness that such a scene deserves. Slow it down, add pauses, make me want to read the flowing words. (kind of gets to you, don’t it.)

The first stanza consists of five lines. It conveys a complete thought. It is a lonely vigil of desire. Very touching. You might also reconsider the concept of “…tied-up tongues…” That holds a completely different image, kind of gross.


let the glow of your cigarette reflect in my irises,

Why a cigarette? And how would “you” know that it’s glow was reflecting off “your” irises? I see the intention here, but…no, it doesn’t work. If the first part concerns a person who is alone, the you need to express a desire for a future action, perhaps: Let us share the glimmer of fairy light in each other’s eyes…?

let the netting protect & shield us
from anything and everything out there.

So far you’ve got good stuff going, don’t give your reader an easy way out with “…out there…” Give us an image of something to avoid.

hold my hand when I get scared,

Again, this is easy stuff, make “…I get scared…” a better hook.

over thunder crashes and lightning flickers

Another: if you have real apprehension about lightning, don’t use “…flickers…”




and can you feel my blood

Here, the term “…and…” conveys a certain passiveness. I’d leave it out.

pulsing through my skin and into yours?

“..Can you feel my blood pulsing through me skin and into yours?”
Is this to say that one person is “donating” blood to another? Has one lost the ability to retain fluids and is leaking?

can you feel the gentle dips of the quilt
dotted with free-flying swallows in a myriad of pastel tones
as they rub against your shifting thighs?

This is neat stuff, the gentle dips of the quilt, but I’d make it positive and say the gentle dips of “our” quilt. Make it intimate.

my paper lips that split and bleed for you.
my cardboard vocal cords that rasp out love for you,

This is poetic, however, shifting over to an artificial manifestation of self is confusing. Where did the paper come from?

my eyes that lost their twinkle to put the stars in the sky for you?
my nervous palms with deep love lines and a desperation to be held.
your gentle inhalations curl love around your throat
and lungs, and my exhalations help to keep me sane.

I get the feeling that you have pushed this to a conclusion simply to finish it. If this is the pining of long lost love, then substitute a an aging person and make the paper lips a metaphor. Then change the last bit to expressions of past tense,
i.e.:

Have my eyes, their twinkle lost, my nervous palms all deeply lined,
And paper thin lips, now cracked, and lightly stained, all lost,
Lost so long that I can no longer give you stars, and love,
And with you gone, who else will keep me sane?

Just a thought to play with. I hope this gives you another point of view.

mediafreq

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ilyilaice [2014-02-22 11:18:21 +0000 UTC]

i like your imagery. oh the fairy lights and swallows in pastels. so pretty and somehow strangely bittersweet because it's clear that the speaker is in pain. or something.

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satinsky [2013-12-02 02:17:04 +0000 UTC]

This really affected me. <3

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escap-ing [2013-12-01 22:34:56 +0000 UTC]

lovely poem! i think your word choice is the most enchanting feature of this poem - simple, yet detailed, which in my opinion, is the best sort of wording. in terms of flow, i was a little bit put off by how the line "my eyes that lost their twinkle to put the stars in the sky for you?" ended in a question mark. after rereading, i kinda figured that it's a continuation of the previous question a few lines before; however, it's still a little bit awkward and does mess a bit with the flow since i had to go back and reread.

the piece makes sense and paints a very serene image in my mind, from the fairy lights to the cigarette glow, and i think that the title adds an interesting dimension to the poem that i wouldn't have seen before. it does bring a bit of uncertainty into the descriptions and the questioning tone of the second half of the poem, which fits very well with the whole mood of the poem. overall, this is wonderful. (:

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