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BurntGreenTea ā ER DTKAF-191: R3
Published: 2012-07-03 20:49:17 +0000 UTC; Views: 833; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 12
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Description
Hours has passed at the siege of Ecruteak city, with the battle between Johto, Kanto, and the new threat, the Rogues, still engaged. Vanessa has just briefly confronted who she believes it is her long lost sister after years of separation, and questions the reason fate ended them meeting like this. Will they ever meet again?---------------------------------------------
Phew, R3 is done. Trying to practice some narrative storytelling in this round, but the pacing is off in some areas, some jumping here and there(that's what happens when your time is limited).
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Apps:
Ada "Honeybee" Sanger: [link]
Chase Austerby: [link]
Miriam Walker: [link]
Vanessa Lore: [link]
Jane Delancy: [link]
Related content
Comments: 5
(( I'm not an expert with critique, but I'll give this a shot. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/sā¦ " width="15" height="15" alt="
Vision: Very nice take on the fight for Ecruteak. Your entry is compact with plot and concise without going on any 'side quests' (*cough* like me).
Originality: I love how you smudged some of the panel borders. That gave a really great effect, and one I had never thought about before. You pulled it off really well.
Technique: Your lines are clean, and your shading is great. Your pacing was flawless for me, and you did a great job with the transitions in scenes.
Impact: Even without dialogue (minus narration), you conveyed the emotion really, really well. Well done! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/a/aā¦ " width="15" height="15" alt="
Great job with this entry!
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Very nice! Your action scenes are great (seriously, those battle scenes are amazing), the emotional bits hit the mark, the writing was strong, the anatomy is good--the only thing (and I do mean only thing!) that I could see that could be improved is the placement of the part in narration where it goes "some for war, some for escape, some for the lost, some to avenge the fallen." Right now, all of those phrases are clumped in one spot. Maybe you should spread them apart a bit and place them next to the scene they correlate with? So when reading, the reader sees, say, the scene with the family holding hands, then reads "some for the lost", then sees the scene with the grave, then reads "some to avenge the fallen." I think it'd flow a bit better this way. That's the only part with a problem though; everything else is great.
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I agree with your statement, that part did felt like it was missing something! But due to time constraints, I wasn't able to put more scenes depicting those situations.
Thank you for the inquiry though!
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Gah! Pretty Miriam! I want to pet her o3o
But in all seriousness, this page is awesome. Great perspectives and story-telling c:
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Thank you! I wish you good luck on round 3!
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