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Description
God, I hate November.

The questions, the daydreams;
They run rampant through the year.
But, the vision’s painted stronger;
As it builds from every tear.
I don’t believe it all my fault,
Or think I could have changed things.
But, I still can’t help but wishing
I’d held tighter to your strings.
Hindsight leads me backward;
I could not expect a different scene.
I just wonder.
Picture.
Imagine - if you will..
To tell you, 'You are seen.'
If you walked the world today,
Lived every tomorrow;
Our time then was not as precious;
Not now recalled in sorrow.
You were his best friend.
Thanks to me, we missed our chance.
We would have made that bond, too.
I just collapsed after that dance.
I pushed away.
I always do.
What if I hadn’t?
..I could have learned you.
Would we have kept on rolling,
With a bond to this mutual kid?
Would we have stayed the jokesters, or
Would I be one you’d want to rid?
Would we have stayed the rugged fun,
Where on my pushes, you shoved?
Would we still poke fun at his quirky ears?
..would you have know that you were loved?

I wish I would’ve talked longer,
When he’d hand you the phone
To let the dogs out, run downstairs;
Would you still have felt alone?
Those moments are like gold to me;
I wish I’d thought that of them then.
But, you cannot grasp the value of Life.
When you’re only four years beyond ten.
He was the closest that I’d gotten;
What if I hadn’t been so afraid?
What if I’d tried a little harder
To know you; would you have stayed?

The Dixie Chicks,
It was just their joke.
And, now I choke;
On words, on bricks.
I know that it meant nothing;
You’d laugh and join in, too.
But now, those laughs aren’t funny
From this warped and tainted view.
I’ll never know these 'would have's, 'could have's;
But, I wish I knew the past.
Did you decide to end the pain?
Or did a mistake just move too fast?

I wish you knew you had been noticed,
Not just overlooked like all the rest.
I saw the boy.  I felt the emptiness.
A vacant, barren chest.
Maybe I was just 'his girl',
But, I saw through to you.
I would stand in silence, buzz all around;
Wanting to ask what I could do.
What if I’d shown you my heart?
Would it have already been too late?
Had the world crushed you beyond repair,
Before I ever knew your name?
I hate this feeling - the one that knows,
I saw something no one would.
I could’ve helped you hang on longer;
Give you the strength from where I stood.
I fell into fear of a 'he and I';
Sabotaged.  It’s what I do.
But hurting him, hurts his best friend;
..so, it’s my fault for losing you.

Like others, I still see your face;
Your voice is heard in late November.
It lived inside my phone - my uncommon place;
And, yet, yours I know I’ll remember.
The night we all gathered,
Not but ten minutes can I recall.
Saw all your photos, a few hazy faces,
Then suddenly I see nothing at all.
For as much as I yearn to see you now,
I’m glad I hadn’t seen you that night.
My last memory must be the one with the smile.
You’re so Alive. Awake. So bright.
I do wish something differently, though.
I wish I could have stayed there longer.
My body was there, my mind closed out.
You deserved more of my honor.
Before long, my body too was absent,
Unable to endure.
I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.
All my actions were all a blur.
I know you really weren’t there either,
You’re not mad at me or hurt.
But, it still feels wrong - like I confirmed your pain,
Or didn’t give what you were worth.
The same way I know I could not have 'saved you',
Though, if I could’ve, I would have tried.
We were only kids.
We’re still just kids.
And, who’s to say just why you died?

The image I see?:  Green.  Fox Racers.  Dark.
Sometimes I see myself the same.
Too much the same.
Playing the same game.
So often certain: I’ll go the same.
And now, I feel it’s secrets that separate us.
Yet, I believe secrets are what killed you.
Now all I can think is my running from him,
Ensured you’d have no one to run to.
I don’t know if others have forgotten.
I never could; I’ll forever remember.
Feel it throughout the year, most in winter…
…just, God, I hate November.

Description
God, I hate November.

The questions, the daydreams;
They run rampant through the year.
But, the vision’s painted stronger;
As it builds from every tear.
I don’t believe it all my fault,
Or think I could have changed things.
But, I still can’t help but wishing
I’d held tighter to your strings.
Hindsight leads me backward;
I could not expect a different scene.
I just wonder.
Picture.
Imagine - if you will..
To tell you, 'You are seen.'
If you walked the world today,
Lived every tomorrow;
Our time then was not as precious;
Not now recalled in sorrow.
You were his best friend.
Thanks to me, we missed our chance.
We would have made that bond, too.
I just collapsed after that dance.
I pushed away.
I always do.
What if I hadn’t?
..I could have learned you.
Would we have kept on rolling,
With a bond to this mutual kid?
Would we have stayed the jokesters, or
Would I be one you’d want to rid?
Would we have stayed the rugged fun,
Where on my pushes, you shoved?
Would we still poke fun at his quirky ears?
..would you have know that you were loved?

I wish I would’ve talked longer,
When he’d hand you the phone
To let the dogs out, run downstairs;
Would you still have felt alone?
Those moments are like gold to me;
I wish I’d thought that of them then.
But, you cannot grasp the value of Life.
When you’re only four years beyond ten.
He was the closest that I’d gotten;
What if I hadn’t been so afraid?
What if I’d tried a little harder
To know you; would you have stayed?

The Dixie Chicks,
It was just their joke.
And, now I choke;
On words, on bricks.
I know that it meant nothing;
You’d laugh and join in, too.
But now, those laughs aren’t funny
From this warped and tainted view.
I’ll never know these 'would have's, 'could have's;
But, I wish I knew the past.
Did you decide to end the pain?
Or did a mistake just move too fast?

I wish you knew you had been noticed,
Not just overlooked like all the rest.
I saw the boy.  I felt the emptiness.
A vacant, barren chest.
Maybe I was just 'his girl',
But, I saw through to you.
I would stand in silence, buzz all around;
Wanting to ask what I could do.
What if I’d shown you my heart?
Would it have already been too late?
Had the world crushed you beyond repair,
Before I ever knew your name?
I hate this feeling - the one that knows,
I saw something no one would.
I could’ve helped you hang on longer;
Give you the strength from where I stood.
I fell into fear of a 'he and I';
Sabotaged.  It’s what I do.
But hurting him, hurts his best friend;
..so, it’s my fault for losing you.

Like others, I still see your face;
Your voice is heard in late November.
It lived inside my phone - my uncommon place;
And, yet, yours I know I’ll remember.
The night we all gathered,
Not but ten minutes can I recall.
Saw all your photos, a few hazy faces,
Then suddenly I see nothing at all.
For as much as I yearn to see you now,
I’m glad I hadn’t seen you that night.
My last memory must be the one with the smile.
You’re so Alive. Awake. So bright.
I do wish something differently, though.
I wish I could have stayed there longer.
My body was there, my mind closed out.
You deserved more of my honor.
Before long, my body too was absent,
Unable to endure.
I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.
All my actions were all a blur.
I know you really weren’t there either,
You’re not mad at me or hurt.
But, it still feels wrong - like I confirmed your pain,
Or didn’t give what you were worth.
The same way I know I could not have 'saved you',
Though, if I could’ve, I would have tried.
We were only kids.
We’re still just kids.
And, who’s to say just why you died?

The image I see?:  Green.  Fox Racers.  Dark.
Sometimes I see myself the same.
Too much the same.
Playing the same game.
So often certain: I’ll go the same.
And now, I feel it’s secrets that separate us.
Yet, I believe secrets are what killed you.
Now all I can think is my running from him,
Ensured you’d have no one to run to.
I don’t know if others have forgotten.
I never could; I’ll forever remember.
Feel it throughout the year, most in winter…
…just, God, I hate November.