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carvingbackbone — invalid.
Published: 2007-11-02 23:50:27 +0000 UTC; Views: 4195; Favourites: 114; Downloads: 56
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Description
I'm just... I don't want to be this way.I've stayed in denial, but it's wearing on me to the point I can't hide it.
I just want to feel strong, alive, okay -- normal.
I don't want to be the invalid girl held back by a broken body.
I want to wake up not aching all over.
I want to go out, running errands, and not be afraid I'm going to pass out, fall down on someone, drop everything, be too unsteady to drive home.
I want to be able to leave my house and not find myself struck in dire need of medication or interrupted by a sudden unexpected rush of tremors, pain, or complete weakness.
I want to have "simple" troubles: bad hairdays, friend squabbles, boyfriend fights, one night of no sleep, things most people agonize over.
I want to be able to have someone bump into me and not feel like every bone has just shattered.
I want to erase all these unsightly bruises and plainly not have to be so careful about everything to prevent them.
I want not to be treated as fragile and feeble though either.
I want to be lively, accomplished, the girl I used to be and always believed I would be.
I want consistency; not to wake up completely immobile some days and okay the next.
I want to feel confident and not always held back, concerned, constantly having to take different measures and precautions to everything that no one else has to think of just to ensure I'm okay.
I want to keep in denial and go about my days pretending I'm completely fine and not any different than every person around me.
I want to plan my days around goals, friends, school, work; not doctors, frailty, and sickness.
I want to not have to cancel plans, turn everything down, sit out, and always stand on the sidelines because "I can't".
I didn't used to be like this.
I hate attention, complaining, whiners. That makes me sick. I cringe in self-hate the moment a discontented comment leaves my mouth.
I hate admitting that I'm not as strong as I could be; I should be.
I hate most that I can't do anything to heal this now; I've done everything in my power this time. It's out of my control now.
I treated my body like hell for years after it gave up on me. Now, I've worked so hard to restore it, take care, retrain the way I care for myself. I've worked SO hard -- and, now what? Payback again.
I hate vulnerability. I hate weakness. I hate negativity.
They make me sick.
I do all I can not to show it; most people have NO CLUE.
But, it's so hard to sit in the middle of a busy world and know it's so far out of my reach right now, but unable to explain that to anyone dissatisfied with my accomplishment for the sake of my own pride; owning up to deficiencies I refuse to admit to MYSELF that I have.
It's not about anyone else. It's really not about what anyone thinks, or sees, or perceives.
It's the fact that I'm unwilling to accept it.
I'm refuse to. I just can't. It's not true, and I'm fine.
But, it's breaking me down...not just physically, but my whole spirit is crushing. Everytime I look myself in the eye, the reflection that stares back half-laughs and half-disintegrates knowing the real truth that I won't tell anyone. The one only I know in myself and sit with alone.
It's hollowing and emptying.
I want to no longer be a sad excuse of what a girl shouldn't be.
I just want to feel okay.
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[left img [view description if you want to understand the contrast of where i'm coming from better]:
right: [link] ]
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Comments: 86
[first, i'm so so sorry that it took me so long to reply to you]
i feel your pain darling.
i'm so sorry that you have to hurt, too.
it's so hard doing something you love with such burning passion and then have it wear you down and break your body the way that it does.
it's so trying and awful on the soul.
i'm so glad you appreciated this piece and we could relate.
again, i'm so sooo sorry it took me so long to reply.
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*hugs*
To have gotten through what I think you've gotten through....to still be HERE, even though your body is wanting to fail you...that means you've WON...
and you inspire me.
*hugs* Thank you for sticking with life.
You're definitely a trooper.
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....aw, goodness.
you've rendered me speechless. i don't even know what to say
thank you so truly.
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This is beautiful beyond words.
~Josh~
Smile for the world before you
Smile when the heart ignores you
Smile for the rain that holds you
Smile for the sun that needs you
Aching though the heart does
Press on, even if the smile is hard to form
Not alone, not even in the least.
Perish the thought, little one.
The world can be a dangerous place, but don't frown.
You're not ignored.
Though it may take some time, you'll grow up
And you will be loved. That's a promise.
Don't listen to the words of those devils.
They want to harm you.
Don't let them.
I'll never let another tear fall from your eyes again..
~End~
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thank you so soo much.
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You're welcome 
~Josh~
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it's a very expressive picture and i hope you can take through everything that you write want to,and i think art so you write things down and take a picture helps a lot.so just be patient and things will be okay
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thanks very much for your thoughts
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cannot say thank you enough
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I wish I knew what to say to make it all better, but you suffer from a physical ailment...and thus I am lost. My heart went out to you in a way it had not yet achieved as I read your comment. At first when I looked at the title I read it "in-val-id" as in not real. Then I looked back at it after your comment, and realized it was 'in-vuh-lid"...
I never realized how terribly you were affected by.. whatever your condition may be. Muscular Dystrophy was the first to come to mind but that may not be correct.
I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart, and truly. If you ever would like to talk, I'm on as often as I can be.. 
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and, now i wish i knew what to say to suffice for some remote amount of sincere gratitude that is screaming from my haert like no other has left me.
the unusual thing is that i actually don't know exactly what's wrong with me. which, is what makes a lot of this so much harder. but, overall, i believe it's a large accumulation of many things, the largest and most problematic logisitcally being the neurological problem in which i've been having different seizures and spells -- accompanies by horrible pain and odd sensations unexplainable. but, my body's been through a lot too as a former gymnast now out of shoppe and pretty well beaten up over the years and it's just wearing down. i haven't been able to BE a fraction as active as i had been since i was 16 and it's gotten progressively worse and worse and i'm only just 20 to the point i can hardly move many days. which, is the most heartbreaking thing when not only is that the furthest thing from normal for any 20 year old person, but when my understanding of life overall was being insanely active, mobile, alive, atheletic, and 100% non-stop -- to sit still and be immobile is incomprehensible and baffling.
...i know tihs was a horribly long comment, but i figured a little explaination would be polite as you gave of your heart so overly generous to me and i could appreciate it more. thank you for all of your words and thoughts and comments you've left today; they've really lifted me up more than you'd imagine
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I'm glad I brought some cheer to your day!
It sucks that you don't know what's wrong, have you seen a neurologist? There are certain viruses that can go in and destroy brain tissue, affecting especially the area that controls movement. One of them was encephalitis (sp?) that I know of, but that epidemic was in the 20's or so. There are still cases of it.. .hmm... *shrugs* I guess there's no point in puzzling over it.
Thank you for the horribly long comment/explanation 
I hope your days get better, dear!
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i actually have seen a neurologist -- been in and out many many many times in the past few months trying different things -- a million MRIs CATscans EEGs tests tests and more tests and trying new med changing and it's just guess and check for now since no one diagnoisis ahs been confirmed. many suppositions still in the air 
thank you again for all the love and thought today
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What I immediately saw in this image was a girl hurting from wanting so badly to be part of a family who for generations were very successful in many ways. She's not the Black Sheep, she's the Outsider.
*thesassysim
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awww, thank you so so much for your thoughts.
and, you're very very right. everyone around me has made something of themselves... but at the same time, even in my own past, in comparison to my family, i had the potential to be far more accomplished than even any of those before me. everyone held such high expectation of me because i made leaps and bounds in accomplishment everywhere i went and people expected me to be something incredible.
and, now, afflicted by too much to handle, i can hardly do anything to even measure up to the most lowlife slackers in my whole family. and i'm NOT a slacker, but my present abilities in life look that way. so i'm both an outsider and a reject and scorned for being trash now falling disastrously below all unreachable expectations of before.
loaded loaded piece. but i thank you endelessly for your thoughts as alaways
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wow, what you just wrote sounds similar to me. On my mother's side of the family, there are many unsuccessful stories of those who left the family homestead (farmers, all) to start there own life. I was the only one of my generation (including my own siblings) who was successful in more ways than one. Now, with the physical illness and my mental illness controling me, ruining everything I once had, and waiting for disability to kick in, I'm more like them then ever. But when I'm around them, they don't understand what has happened to me and expect me to be able to turn everything around soon. They think they can still rely on my to be strong, to take over, to solve the problems and I no longer can do any of that.
It's very sad.
Like you, I am not a slacker, but I'm not an outsider either. In fact, I'm now more like the others and therefore more acceptable by them.
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exactly exactly exactly --- ahhh, i cannot even put word to it. sheesh -- finally -- someone who really understands. and yet how much it kills me to know that ANYONE understands. i'm truly sorry. truly
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Don't be sorry. Talking about it helps tremendously. When assorted-nuts first started, I just lurked, wouldn't get involved, just read what others wrote and kept my secrets to myself. Being more open and being able to share is helping me. really.
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aw, well thank you so so much for the encouragement to continue to be open and try to reach out and be involved and connect. it's not something i'd be willing to bet comes too naturally to most of us, so your encouragement and example in doing so is a large large blessing. thank you so truly
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vertigo316 said it perfectly!
I'm deeply moved by reading your text. Moved by your text. At the end, we see that there is no necessity to have 2 fights at the same time, one with life, one with art...
and that what matters is to transfer the whole struggle into art, and bring some peace into life
if possible...
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wow -- thank you so so much for your thoughts and comments and heart. i really really appreciate it
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unbelievable.... your writing is so honest and powerful....
your a beautiful person, and a strong person to be able to write all that....
BE strong... you ARE...
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....awww.
i honestly -- ah, i just really don't even know what to say.
hug?
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Two words.
JAW DROP.
Oh my! I LOVE, LOVE this!! YOU are amazing.
I especially LOVE the idea on the right.. WOW.
WE SERIOUSLY need to meet somedayyyy and take pictures!!
I love it. And I Love you. Amazing job, sister. :]
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awwww, stephieeee -- i heart you. you are so so sweet to me, and just thank you supery much -- thank you for the fave dollface
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YOU are ten times more wonderful than I.
Accept it.
End of story.
.
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no no no. we shant argue this point because comparisons are icky andddddd
*coughcough* youre beyond wonderfulness that an even better more magical word applies to yuo 
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Haha. PSH. We're BOTH awesome, yeah?
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totally.
no one can hold a candle to us BOTH. neither of us is more awesome than the other, but together we're just awesome-r than everyone ELSE
tehehe
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YES.
HECK.
Yes.
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there's nothing you could say, and that was perfectly enough; your heart is enough.
and the thing most important is i don't want anyone to try and say anything or lift me up; that only makes me feel worse and more guilty; so perhaps it was a blessing you didn't knwo what to say
i keep it from others so i DON'T leave them feeling as you do...wanting me to feel 'better'. your care is more than enough and all i could need.
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aw, thanks.
and, no you don't
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Well that's just proof! No more letting you not have what you want! [superman pose] [jumps off 
I'll get . . . back to you . . .
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but i don't "want" that, so you're not 'letting me not have what i want.'
so get up clark. i don't want any help; though you clearly need some
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So you don't want the things after the repeated "I want"s? And you could help ME by keeping that whole "Clark" business on the down low. It's not called a secret identity for nothin'. I mean, do you know what my friends would think if they knew I liked Spandex?! And went by "Clark"?!
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something tells me they already suspect that of you
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What? That I go by "Clark" or that I like wearing Spandex? Cuz I'm pretty sure I've never worn Spandex around anyone I know. It wouldn't matter anyway . . . everyone around me when I wear Spandex gouges their eyes out. It's kinda demoralizing but I'm self-confident enough.
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you wouldn't have to have worn spandex in front of anyone to have to suspect that you might enjoy it
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What else could I have done to make people think that?!
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