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chasingcloudbursts β insomnia
Published: 2014-04-29 22:54:51 +0000 UTC; Views: 385; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 0
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Description
rats curl upin the empty sockets of
my eyes;
i hear them chittering
of threadbare trees
and windworn grass
into the empty hours of the night
the scarred hyena cackling
in my lungs
lowers his mocking to a whisper,
and in the darkness i can almost hear
your far-flung breaths
(i never could evict this lump thatβs settled in my throat,
owes me all kinds of rent)
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Comments: 13
Very cool poem! I especially like the first lines "rats curl upΒ /in the empty sockets of/my eyes". That caught my attention right away! Very nice indeed!
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Thanks!
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You're welcome!
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This is really thought provoking. The word pictures chosen are really vivid. I love the idea of rats curled up in the eye sockets. It really is a creepy picture. In my mind it evokes a comparison between insomnia and death, both of which are unrelenting and unpleasant to say the least.
I'd like to ask what idea you were going for with the hyena in the lungs? I don't quite get the comparison. It brought to mind maybe a sickness or chronic cough that kept the person up at night. Is this correct?
Also, id like to offer a small critique. The last line about owning rent seems like a bit of a disconnect for me, Β my mind was in the wilderness because of all the animal comparisons so when rent was mentioned at seemed like a jarring switch to urban life. It was an enjoyable read though, Β so much so i read it multiple times. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you! Your interpretation of the hyena line was exactly what I was going for. And thanks for the critique; I wasn't really sure if that line fit.
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You're very welcome! Thank you for sharing your art!
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I really like the first and last three lines!
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Thank you!
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Srry didn't mean to write that in a reply box! My mistake!
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Lolz, it's fine! I agree with you, I really liked the rats in eye sockets imagery, although I found the idea strangely calming. 
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Wow! What a cool take on the rats. That didn't even cross my mind but you're right rats are some of the greatest pets and super sweet. Maybe they wanna soothe the insomnia back to sleep...
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This is really thought provoking. The word pictures chosen are really vivid. I love the idea of rats curled up in the eye sockets. It really is a creepy picture. In my mind it evokes a comparison between insomnia and death, both of which are unrelenting and unpleasant to say the least.
I'd like to ask what idea you were going for with the hyena in the lungs? I don't quite get the comparison. It brought to mind maybe a sickness or chronic cough that kept the person up at night. Is this correct?
Also, id like to offer a small critique. The last line about owning rent seems like a bit of a disconnect for me, Β my mind was in the wilderness because of all the animal comparisons so when rent was mentioned at seemed like a jarring switch to urban life. It was an enjoyable read though, Β so much so i read it multiple times. Thanks for sharing.
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