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chasingcloudbursts ā negatives
Published: 2014-02-20 23:17:45 +0000 UTC; Views: 510; Favourites: 17; Downloads: 0
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Description
you watched mewith eyes full of strawberries and feathered treetops
but i was colorblind
and lost your reaching hand among
the dripping watercolor foliage
my jaded rods and cones
seeped beeswax waterfalls
into my grayscale arteries
and when i overflowed
your vermilion blood ignited me with vivid sparks
each vertebra arching with your heated hues
wicking flames into my hair
until i shone like an igneous medusa
so when i watched you
with eyes full of newfound chocolate dreams and autumn leaves
i caught only a glimpse of steel blades carving ice
before you turned away
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Comments: 16
Okay, I was given this piece to review by LitCritiques. I'm new to criticism, so be sure to tell me if I'm out of line when I say something.
Okay, let's start with the good. You have some pretty good use of imagery, especially with the focus on sight and color, or the lack thereof. It paints a strange landscape of twisted perceptions, and it fits in well with the theme of the poem.
Now, the bad. To me, this poem is sort of confusing, with some of the word choices and mental images not making sense. I'm not sure if that's intentional (to add to the feel), if it's an honest mistake, or if I just don't get it (I'm no poetry expert). It didn't kill the poem for me completely, but it made it a little difficult to understand at some points. Just in case, try to look into it yourself, to see if something is really off or if I'm wrong.
Overall, it was okay (in my own opinion, mind you). There were a few things I didn't get, but other than that you did a good job with it.
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Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, a lot of people have told me this poem is confusing with all the images, so I'll be messing with it in the future to fix that. This was helpful.
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No problem. 
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Thanks so much!
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I loved the phrase 'igneous medusa'. Such intensity.Ā
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Thank you!
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Woah!
Great stuff.
In my opinion it is perfect, fabulous, excellent , and whatever other superlative you care to think of!
Any advice, I might give is - just keep writing and don't think too much! -Ā ie. Just let it flow.
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Thank you so much! I'm incredibly flattered.
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Ok, be flattered and keep writing lol
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This is really quite pretty. 
Ā
I have a bit of critique for you, though, if you don't mind:
Ā
The second stanza slightly confuses me. You are saying that the narrator's "jaded rods and cones seeped beeswax waterfalls" but to me this doesn't paint a very clear picture of what you are trying to say. Based on the already-established themes of the poem, I relate the term beeswax with color; this to me seems the most logical interp, as beeswax is used by bees to make honeycombs, which is made by pollination, which you then get from flowers, which are colorful. If that interpretation is correct you would be saying that the narrator's jaded eyes are giving them the color they cannot see, which is contradictory. (Of course, I may be completely wrong in my interpretation, so feel free to correct me if that is so.)
Ā
I also don't quite understand what is happening between stanza 2 and 3. Is the narrator overflowing with their gray jadedness, and so they finally turn to the other person for color? Or are they overflowing with color? (And if so, are they overflowing with color from the beeswax? Or does the beeswax have nothing to do with the color?) If they are overflowing from their grayness/jadedness, how would they even go about finding the other person when they are colorblind? They wouldn't be able to distinguish them from the other colorful things (which, because of the narrator's colorblindness, would seem just as gray as they are) I feel like there should be another stanza between the 2nd and 3rd, bridging a relationship between them.
Ā
Other than that, I really liked this poem. I liked the semi-rhyme between "dreams" and "leaves"; sometimes it can turn out poorly, sticking a rhyme into a free verse poem, but in this case I think it really aids the flow of the piece.
Ā
Great job!
Ā
(By the way, these are obviously just my opinions and it could totally just be me not understanding rather than having anything to do with your writing. Feel free to reject this critique if it doesn't make sense. C
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Thank you so much for the detailed critique! I really appreciate it. I do want to explain what I meant by the imagery, but I can tell it wasn't really clear, so at some point I'll make sure to fix that.
To me, beeswax is a pretty neutral shade, as it is kind of a tan color, and it's the most the "jaded rods and cones" can handle. But when I overflow with it, it creates (for lack of a better phrase) a giant candle, with the spine as the wick, and the spark from the other person's colors lights it. This is the transformation that allows me to stop being colorblind and see the other person's colors (which I was trying to indicate by the "newfound chocolate dreams and autumn leaves"), but by then, they have seen me become a "medusa" so they can't watch me anymore (aka they hate me now).Ā
Clearly there was a bunch of confusion about that, so I will make sure to edit this soon. I'd like to return the favor and give you a critique, is there any particular piece you would want one on?
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(Apologies for the tardy response)
You're welcome!
Ahhhh yes thank you for explaining! Now that I reread it with what you've said in mind it makes much more sense to me. ^^ I would maybe suggest using the word "candle" somewhere in the poem? (For example, "your vermilion blood ignited my candle body with vivid sparks" or something. That's kind of clunky, so maybe not that exact phrase, but you catch my drift. I think even just one tiny insertion like that may be enough to clear things up)
Great! I look forward to reading the revised version.
Aw, thanks; that's very nice of you! I'm currently editing a poem that I plan on posting within the week, so I can note you when I post it and you can review it then, or if you'd like to just get it out of the way you may critique my poem "Salvation". white-blank-slate.deviantart.cā¦ It's up to you which one you pick; whatever fits into your schedule.
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I'll wait for your note
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