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chasingcloudbursts β waterfall
Published: 2014-03-10 01:29:45 +0000 UTC; Views: 262; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 0
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Description
she dreams with river fingersas the skipping stones skip by
and the ripples on her eyelids
speak of cerulean skies
as the sunlight glimmers through her
finding gold streaks in her hair
songbird melodies delight her
in the smiling summer air
sheβs a mirror, slow and quiet
she is grace and depth and flow
but she yearns for force and fire
and a way to be her own
cattail irises shed oceans
and the water lilies wilt
while she drifts in languid sorrow
duckweed tresses lose their gilt
words and rose thorns clog her waters
rocks and tree roots drive her stream
out of misery she rises
with her blossom eyes agleam
tranquil streams awaken torrents
rushing footfalls stir up spray
and she glows with newfound glory
in her cascading ballet
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Comments: 11
Ok, the flow was pretty good on this one. It didn't feel forced, which is always a big plus.
When I read, I usually don't pay attention to the words the first time around, because I stink at it. I just do. So instead, I listen to how it sounds, and I can pick up on the rhythm that way. This poem's rhythm was spot on. As for the actual content, it's unusual to see water personified like this (unless it's just a person that is LIKE water), but I like that aspect. Unusual works in this case, and it makes for some great imagery. Keep up the good work!
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Thank you! I spent a lot of time working on the flow here, so I'm glad it showed.
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Hi! I am here to give you a critique on your poem waterfall. This poem has a nice rhyming flow to it. This character seems like a dreamer who goes through turmoil only to rise out of her misery. I appreciate the optimism of this poem. The nature vocabulary is well placed and well used as well. I believe I understand the storyline, though correct me if I'm wrong. My favorite stanza is she's a mirror, slow and quiet/she is grace and depth and flow/but she yearns for force and fire/and a way to be her own. It is a fierce conviction to be independent and people will relate to that. This poem is pretty good, but I believe you could elaborate more on making her struggles real, her fierce desire for independence and how she transforms in the end.Β
Hope this was helpful. ^_^ <3Β
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Thanks for the feedback!
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No problem! ^_^ <3Β
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I love it! The poem flows so well the rhyme is almost unnoticeable 
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Thank you! I thought the gold streaks part was a bit awkward, too, but I like the next line and if I change it, then everything has to change because of the rhyme scheme. Meh, I'll think about it. Β
About the "force and fire" part, the idea is that she is a slow, quiet river at first- not a waterfall- which I was trying to indicate by using the word river in the very first line, and then by saying "sheβs a mirror, slow and quiet /Β she is grace and depth and flow". This makes her unhappy, and she wants to have force and fire (the use of fire doesn't imply actual fire, it just means she wants to be the opposite of what she is now- water). And then she rises out of her sadness when the river becomes a waterfall and she discovers strength in herself. With that explanation, do you think that needed to be clarified more within the poem? Or does it make sense?
Thank you again for your really kind words
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meh rhyme schemes
i didn't realize it rhymed until the comments, you did a really good job with the flow! maybe you can find a better word at the end.
that rhymes also.
ohhhh i get it. i was really confused. I don't think it needs more clarification! I guess i didn't think hard enough XD
you're welcome!~
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Ballet does rhyme with spray.
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yes, it does
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I love this poem, it is beautiful imagery and it flows very well.
My favorite part was the first four lines.
Well done.
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