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Description
Your gaze was the only needle capable of reaching my inner safe-hold, furtively bypassing the walls, formed by hardened years of past experience, which were built around my heart. This seemingly innocent disturbance slipped in between the bricks, pierced the mortar, an entrance so silent it went unnoticed that I had been breached, that my deepest corners were now vulnerable to an outside force . The love that poured out through your eyes, at base just another organ but in reality infiltrators of the soul, flooded my being and swept me up.

The power of the rush as I felt myself lifted above all small things, beyond the bonds of reality, where the laws of physics held no sway, awed me. I was swept away in a torrent which lifted me towards the heavens and I smiled. Reaching out my hand, I grazed the bases of clouds and felt a softness not of the earth but an experience rationed out only for the gods, those immortal beings who saw such luxuries as a mere trifle.

Blinking in the brightness, I closed my eyes and felt my world expand as I shut away the ground so far below. I was floating in the air, riding the crest of a wave which rose higher and higher as my hands wandered over your flushed skin, as your breath caressed my neck and shot a chill down my spine that was so cold my lungs stopped their respirations and my heart beat a faster rhythm, like a drummer at the final count.

I was invincible as I felt my world shrink to how your soft skin thrummed with the strength of your own racing heart, how your hands knew just what to do, where to graze and when to rest, how your face was, in that moment, a more gorgeous masterpiece than any artist could even hope to approach with a medium lacking a pulse. You were all I ever wanted, even though you were limited to the flesh, you held a depth which I only wished to dive deep into until I could find your heart and nestle beside it, protect you from any ills, doomed to a life of darkness if only for the chance to earn the right to call such a wondrous angel my own.

Flying high above the worries that had once seemed so all consuming, I smiled and saw life simplified to a single desire, to possess you and to feel this sense of completeness, this sense of belonging all the time.
When the love wore away, when reality came rushing back and I was immersed again in the trivial details I had moments before been smiling down on, the high was forgotten and all I could do was look up to the clouds in longing. My fingertips tingled with the memory of their texture, my heart beat tightly as though suddenly under pressure, reduced to an altitude with such stress that I felt it in every thick breath I forced my lungs to bite out of the air. Every step felt heavier, every pain more extreme as I looked around and searched for you.

A single touch was all it took for my veins to constrict and my pupils to dilate as your love flowed back in through my skin, from your touch to my mind. My heart loosened, the air thinned and I was again a feather, happy for the all consuming feeling which blocked out the world and shrank my sight, yet again to you.

I knew what was happening to me, what I was falling into but the world, in contrast to these sensations seemed so dark and cold that it was this or a fate I could not handle. I should have stopped, should have taken heed for how far the trip down would be but I kept climbing.

If I slipped and fell, plummeting downwards, you caught me with a kiss and I would smile and keep climbing, digging my grave by seeking such heights, building my own tower to reach the god’s, forgetting the tale of Babylon, believing myself beyond such punishment, the adrenaline of cresting ever higher waves banishing the memory of gravity. But it was there, smiling up at me, knowing that the higher I climbed, the harder I’d fall and I did.

Any addict will tell you they “knew” they could stop anytime they wanted and I knew it as well. You don’t realize, until you’re falling and no one is there to catch you, just how far away the ground is. The speed built up, momentum gathering in every part of my body as I gained velocity and spun, disoriented towards the trials I had hoped to escape by my ascent.

The impact shook my world and the force carried me to new depths just as I’d climbed to heights I’d only gazed upon before. When I stood, I was deep in the depths and the light which shone at the pinnacle of my ascent was a dot far away, an imperfection in the shadowy darkness I now lay within.

I felt my heart beating a rhythm which seemed to signal an imminent shutdown. My lungs filled with the weight of the air, sludge around me, sinking into my body and poisoning every thought with the idea that death would be a relief. My mind pulsed with regrets as my memory skipped and played back happier times but I had been replaced. Self-inflicted torture, courtesy of my faulty neurons, flashed behind my eyes and I was reminded of where I had fallen from, the contrast making the shadows darker and the light further away.

Every soft wisp of my soul churned within me, formed into a beast, hardened by desire, and called for its drug, punishing every fiber of my being with a weight which could not be lifted by a mind racked by memories. Withdrawal hit me strongest at night when I would feel a sadness and despair in my body which didn’t seem to fit within my mortal coils. The tears flowed from ducts which burned with the force of pumping such volumes.

Writhing in the bed at night, stretching this way and curling the other would not release the pressure that seemed to build in my heart. I feared it would burst and prayed for just that if only it would make me feel less stretched, if it would release me from the creature that tore at my heart every night, demanding a fix I could not supply.

The beast grew weaker, and my memory jolted back, off repeat, stopping the slow torture which had weakened my mind, which now stood and grew stronger, slowly pushing back at the creature, yelling that the craving could not stand, that there was no more.

Sometimes, at night, when the quiet descends, my mind will wander and stand at that door, listening to claws on wood as the chain rattles and the glass of the small window cracks. It will stand at that spot and stare, think of times when that beast was happier, when It had wings and flew above the heads of all earthly troubles, shrieking a cry that it was at peace. Then he will walk away, shake his head and wipe away a single tear.

Happy times will come again but for now, the beast must lose its taste for the past before it can enter the future with control and a clear head to soar again. My soul will emerge, no longer a beast, but an entity capable of widening its gaze, wiser in that it will search for that high again but only if it can assure its safe descent afterwards. This day will come but first it must overcome its worst addiction.

Description
Your gaze was the only needle capable of reaching my inner safe-hold, furtively bypassing the walls, formed by hardened years of past experience, which were built around my heart. This seemingly innocent disturbance slipped in between the bricks, pierced the mortar, an entrance so silent it went unnoticed that I had been breached, that my deepest corners were now vulnerable to an outside force . The love that poured out through your eyes, at base just another organ but in reality infiltrators of the soul, flooded my being and swept me up.

The power of the rush as I felt myself lifted above all small things, beyond the bonds of reality, where the laws of physics held no sway, awed me. I was swept away in a torrent which lifted me towards the heavens and I smiled. Reaching out my hand, I grazed the bases of clouds and felt a softness not of the earth but an experience rationed out only for the gods, those immortal beings who saw such luxuries as a mere trifle.

Blinking in the brightness, I closed my eyes and felt my world expand as I shut away the ground so far below. I was floating in the air, riding the crest of a wave which rose higher and higher as my hands wandered over your flushed skin, as your breath caressed my neck and shot a chill down my spine that was so cold my lungs stopped their respirations and my heart beat a faster rhythm, like a drummer at the final count.

I was invincible as I felt my world shrink to how your soft skin thrummed with the strength of your own racing heart, how your hands knew just what to do, where to graze and when to rest, how your face was, in that moment, a more gorgeous masterpiece than any artist could even hope to approach with a medium lacking a pulse. You were all I ever wanted, even though you were limited to the flesh, you held a depth which I only wished to dive deep into until I could find your heart and nestle beside it, protect you from any ills, doomed to a life of darkness if only for the chance to earn the right to call such a wondrous angel my own.

Flying high above the worries that had once seemed so all consuming, I smiled and saw life simplified to a single desire, to possess you and to feel this sense of completeness, this sense of belonging all the time.
When the love wore away, when reality came rushing back and I was immersed again in the trivial details I had moments before been smiling down on, the high was forgotten and all I could do was look up to the clouds in longing. My fingertips tingled with the memory of their texture, my heart beat tightly as though suddenly under pressure, reduced to an altitude with such stress that I felt it in every thick breath I forced my lungs to bite out of the air. Every step felt heavier, every pain more extreme as I looked around and searched for you.

A single touch was all it took for my veins to constrict and my pupils to dilate as your love flowed back in through my skin, from your touch to my mind. My heart loosened, the air thinned and I was again a feather, happy for the all consuming feeling which blocked out the world and shrank my sight, yet again to you.

I knew what was happening to me, what I was falling into but the world, in contrast to these sensations seemed so dark and cold that it was this or a fate I could not handle. I should have stopped, should have taken heed for how far the trip down would be but I kept climbing.

If I slipped and fell, plummeting downwards, you caught me with a kiss and I would smile and keep climbing, digging my grave by seeking such heights, building my own tower to reach the god’s, forgetting the tale of Babylon, believing myself beyond such punishment, the adrenaline of cresting ever higher waves banishing the memory of gravity. But it was there, smiling up at me, knowing that the higher I climbed, the harder I’d fall and I did.

Any addict will tell you they “knew” they could stop anytime they wanted and I knew it as well. You don’t realize, until you’re falling and no one is there to catch you, just how far away the ground is. The speed built up, momentum gathering in every part of my body as I gained velocity and spun, disoriented towards the trials I had hoped to escape by my ascent.

The impact shook my world and the force carried me to new depths just as I’d climbed to heights I’d only gazed upon before. When I stood, I was deep in the depths and the light which shone at the pinnacle of my ascent was a dot far away, an imperfection in the shadowy darkness I now lay within.

I felt my heart beating a rhythm which seemed to signal an imminent shutdown. My lungs filled with the weight of the air, sludge around me, sinking into my body and poisoning every thought with the idea that death would be a relief. My mind pulsed with regrets as my memory skipped and played back happier times but I had been replaced. Self-inflicted torture, courtesy of my faulty neurons, flashed behind my eyes and I was reminded of where I had fallen from, the contrast making the shadows darker and the light further away.

Every soft wisp of my soul churned within me, formed into a beast, hardened by desire, and called for its drug, punishing every fiber of my being with a weight which could not be lifted by a mind racked by memories. Withdrawal hit me strongest at night when I would feel a sadness and despair in my body which didn’t seem to fit within my mortal coils. The tears flowed from ducts which burned with the force of pumping such volumes.

Writhing in the bed at night, stretching this way and curling the other would not release the pressure that seemed to build in my heart. I feared it would burst and prayed for just that if only it would make me feel less stretched, if it would release me from the creature that tore at my heart every night, demanding a fix I could not supply.

The beast grew weaker, and my memory jolted back, off repeat, stopping the slow torture which had weakened my mind, which now stood and grew stronger, slowly pushing back at the creature, yelling that the craving could not stand, that there was no more.

Sometimes, at night, when the quiet descends, my mind will wander and stand at that door, listening to claws on wood as the chain rattles and the glass of the small window cracks. It will stand at that spot and stare, think of times when that beast was happier, when It had wings and flew above the heads of all earthly troubles, shrieking a cry that it was at peace. Then he will walk away, shake his head and wipe away a single tear.

Happy times will come again but for now, the beast must lose its taste for the past before it can enter the future with control and a clear head to soar again. My soul will emerge, no longer a beast, but an entity capable of widening its gaze, wiser in that it will search for that high again but only if it can assure its safe descent afterwards. This day will come but first it must overcome its worst addiction.