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Description
Somewhere along
all the darkest years, suicide
became a fail-safe, a
backdoor I can always
open, just in case my
machinery malfunctions
I can always make
a swift escape
I have a system
failure plan in place

***

now I wish
it had never come to this, I wish
I had never built this
hidden hatchway, coward’s
fire escape, I no longer know
how to seal or disregard, my fail-safe
has become
a coercive measure, an
unwanted obstruction

I
am frozen with fear, knowing
failure could
trigger the plan into action, my fail-safe
has become a snare I am terrified
to set off, I know
how to tie a hangman’s noose
but I did not know
I could make one
unintentionally

Description
Somewhere along
all the darkest years, suicide
became a fail-safe, a
backdoor I can always
open, just in case my
machinery malfunctions
I can always make
a swift escape
I have a system
failure plan in place

***

now I wish
it had never come to this, I wish
I had never built this
hidden hatchway, coward’s
fire escape, I no longer know
how to seal or disregard, my fail-safe
has become
a coercive measure, an
unwanted obstruction

I
am frozen with fear, knowing
failure could
trigger the plan into action, my fail-safe
has become a snare I am terrified
to set off, I know
how to tie a hangman’s noose
but I did not know
I could make one
unintentionally