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ClamShellHeart — The Machine
Published: 2012-11-25 17:34:56 +0000 UTC; Views: 481; Favourites: 11; Downloads: 1
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Description You were created of
a thousand eggshells, for bone,
a thousand tiny birds systematically
hatched, plucked and sacrificed for your hair,
your skin;
their blood is lighter than our blood and so you float
but never will you fly.

And narrowly prophets passed you
for beauty worthy of sin
and sought an engineer to construct
a device of kinship
that you might calculate our miracles.

When you found her she was shining
radiant amidst the blacks of metal,
against the rough cloth she would lay against;
and where your veins were light
her lungs were heavy, her heart
the pounding of
inefficient diesel in search of
sun and wind.

You plucked her young and coughing
from the cataclysmic womb of factories
and asked that she build your machine.

Stumbling, she understood, and you worked her
through the unwarranted summer
and soft comforters that settled over her quietly like snow
over the sleepy doped backdrops
to be preached against.

Shaking, she eased it foreword
until she couldn't feel it under her hands,
and in the following headlights she swayed like a deer
in her reflection, immune to the acceleration.

In one final and quiet act of suicide
you sacrificed the creator to the creation
and your machine was born
A test of chicken blood and miracles.
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Comments: 25

Insubstatial [2013-02-18 08:16:18 +0000 UTC]

This piece is absolutely brilliant. You have a flow, and a vibe that just screams originality. I've read this poem 3 times just now, and I love it. Thank you for sharing it with us.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to Insubstatial [2013-02-18 20:12:13 +0000 UTC]

ha, your kind words are much appreciated.

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travelgirlxx [2013-02-18 01:24:26 +0000 UTC]

Hi!! You're lovely art has been featured here: [link]

Please consider ing the article and checking out your fellow features

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ClamShellHeart In reply to travelgirlxx [2013-02-18 01:30:23 +0000 UTC]

thank you kindly

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travelgirlxx In reply to ClamShellHeart [2013-02-18 17:18:03 +0000 UTC]



I also just realized that my clumsy, sleep-deprived typing made me type the wrong 'your' - ooops!!

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ClamShellHeart In reply to travelgirlxx [2013-02-18 20:12:36 +0000 UTC]

we're in the same boat because i totally didn't notice, paha

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travelgirlxx In reply to ClamShellHeart [2013-02-19 03:05:31 +0000 UTC]

Sweet!

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travelgirlxx In reply to ClamShellHeart [2013-02-18 01:41:06 +0000 UTC]

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travelgirlxx [2013-02-12 18:35:48 +0000 UTC]

Critique for

Whoa. Your first stanza blew me away. You fully drew me in and made me invested in your piece.

You have some extremely strong images in this piece, and I love it!

I really love the juxtaposition of the 'you' and the female factory worker. In the 5th stanza, I love the soft comforters because I could see the chicken feathers in the air, settling. However, in that same stanza, I'm not sure that unwarranted is the word you want to use. It jarred me out of the poem, and I was so immersed in the piece, it was a bit hard to get back into it.

Which leads me to: I love the feel of the last two stanzas, but I'm just not quite there yet. I can taste the meaning of the end of poem right at the tip of my tongue. I think it just needs a couple more lines to get that concrete meaning which you wanted the reader to get. This is a very specific poem, so I want the ending to be as strong as the rest. And maybe not end on the "specific fact." Rather, have that in the 2nd to last stanza?

I get the feeling that the 'you' might be the woman from the factory. I just need a little more to get there. Please: tell me if I'm wrong. I want to know the rest of the story!! lol


Great start. I really can't wait to see the edits on this!!

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ClamShellHeart In reply to travelgirlxx [2013-02-13 03:25:47 +0000 UTC]

this poem is actually really fascinating to get feedback on, because what i was writing about and what everyone is reading about are so entirely different it's surreal.
i have actually been planning on adding to this for quite some time, now, i just haven't. i'm very distractable, so re-investing in something i've already "finished" can be a chore for me, ha.
i really appreciate your words, though, thank you very much.

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travelgirlxx In reply to ClamShellHeart [2013-02-13 15:52:18 +0000 UTC]

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prettyflour [2012-12-29 00:45:47 +0000 UTC]

Hey there!

Prettyflour here from with the critique you requested.



This was a nice read. You tell a story, use beautiful imagery and create a heavy feel from the start. There was an intensity that carried through out that made me want to keep reading.

I thought you lost the flow a bit in the second stanza. The use of construct, kinship and calculate... Gave the words an hard edge that I didn't find in the rest if the piece. BUT the third stanza was wonderful- you had me hooked at

and where your veins were light
her lungs were heavy, her heart

Simple. Beautiful.


I have to agree with about the ending. I like where you went with it, it was fitting but that last line left me feeling a little flat. I found myself wishing you had switched up the last two lines to say:

A test of chicken and miracles
and your machine was born

To give it a stronger, more impactful finish. My two cents.

Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I would read it again and fav it. It makes me want to check out your other work.

That is pure win.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to prettyflour [2012-12-29 03:58:34 +0000 UTC]

kindest thanks

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Chezzy-Am [2012-12-19 05:38:02 +0000 UTC]

This is on behalf of #PoeticalCondition . Bear in mind that I'm presuming that "The Machine" is as provided in my vision.

Vision - 5/5

Animal testing, the concept of machinima, poultry farming practices and bioethics - yeah, that's a rarity here on dA.

Originality - 4/5

It was Orwellian in its dystopic nature; and its starkness reminded me of Plague Dogs... I can relate to it.

Technique - 4.5/5

The condescending sarcasm that is very starkly portrayed in this poem is balanced and doesn't seem forced; the title suits the poem; and it is consistent for the most part. The use of words is also balanced enough to get the point through.

Impact - 3/5

While I like reading this work and am aware of the impact of how corporations are doing literally everything that is stated here in this poem (Pubmed references in large quarters), I'm apathetic; The Machine isn't going anywhere and its now oiled in place. Unless this work is a popular work, or that there was something else provided in your author's description, OR there was something much more serious involved, its just a colorful rant.

I feel sorry for what the chickens have to go through - but unfortunately, I ate chickens yesterday; so I'm no different than the populace.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to Chezzy-Am [2012-12-19 18:28:44 +0000 UTC]

i quite appreciate your comment.

i'll let you in on a secret, though. while factory farming is something i am wildly concerned about, it was only an after thought in the creation of this piece.
i'm actually working on another stanza to add to this, which might hopefully clarify some of the other points i was addressing.
again, kindest thanks for the comment

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Chezzy-Am In reply to ClamShellHeart [2012-12-20 04:13:07 +0000 UTC]

your welcome.

Alright, that would make sense... in any case, waiting for any improvements or any new works you upload. cheers

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NotenSMSK [2012-12-18 18:04:09 +0000 UTC]

Hello! I am from for your critique which was delayed since the critique folder opened officially just recently! Sorry for that.

Now coming to my critique. I will first give an over all impression then move onto precise points. The work was a good one. It flowed well on the tongue and the expressions and imageries were not only vivid, they striked emotion in the reader as well. There was an air of mystery for me, the mystery like an alchemist working his magic. The feel of flying through the air through ideas that defy the vasic logic of humans yet seem logical. Thus the oer all vibe that I got off this work was a positive one. A really positive one.

But there were portions I failed to understand fully. The second and last stanza would come under the present discusion. I did understand the first one and while it needed a second look, it is quite amazing. The word "for" in "sacrificed for your hair..." was one reason of confusion since I couldn't decide in which conext to take for as. The imagery and thought was impressive.

The second stanza is otherwise fine; though perhaps they are not main issues to be discussed in this work, the Prophets with beauty was understandable and that 'he' is looking for a machine that would calculate... OUR miracles? Who are we? What do you mean our? Also I was confused whether it was prohepts or 'he' that was looking for the maker of the machine. Perhaps it wsa due to lack of punctuation.

The last stanza though... didn't register at all. The killing of the creator to the creation ('she' was the creator and who was she? Was she sacrificed?) and the machine... test of chicken blood and miracles... I was confused. It was a rather strange ending for quite a magicaland wonderful poem. In short, I didn't get it. But that might just be me.

Over all, this is an amazing work due to it being VERY unique in my perspective and very well explained. The fact that a second or third glance did give me a lot of insight means that this work retains its word play without being senseless. The ending though... bothered me. Keep writing and thank you for submitting

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ClamShellHeart In reply to NotenSMSK [2012-12-18 21:27:26 +0000 UTC]

thank you for your huge comment.
i've actually discussed this piece with a few people, and i think i know a way to make the piece a bit clearer, i just haven't gotten around to doing it.
the end should bother you, ha, so i guess it's part of a success. i feel that my main issues with this are identifying the people involved, as you said, so hopefully i'll be able to make this more easily understand.
again, kindest thanks

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NotenSMSK In reply to ClamShellHeart [2012-12-19 16:18:52 +0000 UTC]

You are very welcome

Well take your time over it then! the ending was supposed to be confusing? That is strange but no worries

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Hika-Nicole [2012-12-09 03:09:58 +0000 UTC]

I really look up to you as a writer, and I was just wondering what inspires you to write. Are there any general topics?

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ClamShellHeart In reply to Hika-Nicole [2012-12-09 04:05:25 +0000 UTC]

oh wow, i am flattered, i sincerely hope i can live up to your expectations, ha.
and well, lots of things come as inspiration. every once and a while, my inner monologue will spit something out that it poetic, so i try to remember it, and give it a context. i work at an ice rink (i skate around for hours at a time) and i crochet, which gives me lots of time to think, and turn ideas over.
for this piece specifically, it was just a really nice falling together. i am an engineering student, i am a vegetarian, and i am very interested in religion. all those are things i think about a lot, and i was on my way home one night, and i just got this idea in my head of a person who had eggshells for bones. i questioned it, i turned it over some, gave it a story heavily inspired by religious tyranny and my bias towards machinists, and this happened.

that's quite a bit, i apologize. i suppose i just think a lot. also, "chance favors the prepared mind." the more you know, the more you have to spin from (:
i hope that helped some. i again apologize for lengthiness.

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Hika-Nicole In reply to ClamShellHeart [2012-12-10 00:24:40 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much (: I appreciate it.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to Hika-Nicole [2012-12-10 00:58:25 +0000 UTC]

sure. i hope it helps

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Hfeather53 [2012-11-25 22:50:13 +0000 UTC]

God, this is fantastic.

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ClamShellHeart In reply to Hfeather53 [2012-11-26 01:11:07 +0000 UTC]

thank you most kindly

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