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clock-wise — The First Time
Published: 2010-06-05 08:39:03 +0000 UTC; Views: 522; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 0
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Description The first time seems so long ago now. I was a child- only 12- and I can't even remember why I was so hurt. But I do remember the hurt and the anger filling every fiber of my body. I sat in my room- trembling- not knowing what to do. I wanted to cry but I was too distressed, no tears would come. Then I just hit myself with all the force I could gather, as hard as my trembling muscles would allow me. I hit myself against the head; I kept on hitting until I passed out.

Again;
Again;
Again;
Again;
AGAIN!

When I woke up my head felt as if it would burst, but all the anger- the mental pain- were gone!
Little did I know that hitting would lead to biting- Biting to scratching-Scratching with my nails would turn into using a nail file -the nail file would turn into a pair of scissors- and the scissors into the razor blades that leave these deep cuts in my flesh now- five years later:

Again;
Again;
Again;
Again;
AGAIN!
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Comments: 8

inu-smexay-pants [2010-07-07 17:52:13 +0000 UTC]

You don't have to cut hun, I use rubber bands and have them sting my skin. I also hoie cube in my hand. That one works beter. I haven't cut in 2 weeks. I'm proud of that. I want you to be proud too. Maybe you could just try?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

clock-wise In reply to inu-smexay-pants [2010-07-07 19:36:38 +0000 UTC]

Thanks a lot for the tips I tried it before and it works to an extent... but unfortunately it cannot replace cutting completely. But the rubber-band at least helps me a bit when I'm in public and feeling really bad

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

inu-smexay-pants In reply to clock-wise [2010-07-07 19:40:01 +0000 UTC]

I know what you mean. You still want to cut, but it helps. And defenently in public. It's easy, and no one notices!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

lilithdarkprinzessin [2010-06-20 11:37:27 +0000 UTC]

hm this kinda reminds me of the first time i did SI, althought i started with a cutter =S and when i calmed i realized what i had done and i told myself that i wouldn't be like that ever again, but...it's the only way i can release all this shit inside of my brain

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

clock-wise In reply to lilithdarkprinzessin [2010-06-20 11:57:12 +0000 UTC]

I know what you mean. So often I swore to myself to just never do it again. I even threw the blades away once. But when I then stood on a bridge over a motorway ready to jump I realized that I cant just stop. I managed to keep myself from jumping... but bought new blades the next day =/

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

lilithdarkprinzessin In reply to clock-wise [2010-07-02 11:42:45 +0000 UTC]

i've been ready to jump from my window more than once....(i live in the 8th floor, so i'd become puree if i jumped....) so....i guess cutting myself is the best solution for now... =S

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

ShadowDoomBunny [2010-06-14 02:08:02 +0000 UTC]

:\ I was the same, but I started when I was around five years old

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

clock-wise In reply to ShadowDoomBunny [2010-06-14 20:34:15 +0000 UTC]

I'm sorry to hear that

👍: 0 ⏩: 0