HOME | DD
Clockwork-Jack — That's What My Mirror Said
#anxiety #mentalillness #socialanxiety #therapy #therapysession #generalanxiety
Published: 2019-04-22 02:02:40 +0000 UTC; Views: 510; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description
I started therapy a couple weeks ago. I've only been to two appointments, and it's already going... not super awesome. Or maybe it's going great, depending on how you look at it. The first appointment was just my therapist filling in a little chart about me on her computer, asking me really basic questions like "Why are you here?" and "How old are you?" and "What do you do for fun?" Because I'd never been to therapy before, I made the mistake of assuming that all following appointments would be that easy and that within just a few short weeks, my anxiety would be cured! Or my depression! Or whatever my problem is!But I was super duper wrong, because at my second appointment she asked me: "How are you feeling?" and I responded with "I'm fine" before crying for an hour straight. She went on to tell me that just from what she's observed so far, I have a whole beautiful array of problems that I wasn't even aware of. Apparently I seem to have awful social anxiety, anxiety in general, and a lack of motivation to do things that I love (drawing, writing, etc) due to [yeah we don't actually know yet so ummmm I'll keep you posted I guess??]. She wants me to gradually get over my fear of rejection, of social circles, and of being hurt by other people. As it turns out, I have been hurt by other people a lot throughout my life so far, and I wasn't aware of just how badly it was effecting my current relationships (and lack thereof) with people. So, we'll see how that goes.
One of the assignments she gave me is to actually start drawing again by setting times for myself to draw. Just a couple days a week where I force myself to sit down and draw, and treat it as seriously as I do my homework/other stuff that I would never let myself skip.
I went home, caught my reflection in a mirror, and did a double take. I looked awful. Not even my usual constant tiredness, but something that transcends that. On a day to day basis I feel mentally wasted and I just cover it up with jokes and laughter, which is what I seem to be best at. But for some reason after crying for an hour in front of a stranger as they analyzed me and told me all about myself, I just looked really awful. It startled me to see me look that bad. I know this sounds overly dramatic, but I had to stare into my own eyes for a moment because it scared me a little bit how sad they looked. And for some reason, in my melodramatic mind, it occurred to me that I was looking at a really, really genuine me right now--the one I'm constantly trying to cover up so that I don't have to deal with it. And it scared me that I would have to see that me once per week from now on.
So, that's what I drew.
Related content
Comments: 5
Man, I really hope that drawing more often can bring back the love that you have for it. I've been reading through our old messages a lot, from when we both used to post way more often, and kinda saddens me to think of how much things have changed. Of course, it's not our faults, since there's school, and sometimes we just don't feel up to it because of how overwhelming things can be. But, I really hope that you can feel better.
On a lighter note, I really like the kinda scratchy background, and the detail you put into the hair
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Mannn that's so sad. I honestly can't remember what we used to talk about, originally. What do our old conversations seem like??
I think what really worries me, is the idea that maybe this isn't just a slump, and maybe I'm just not going to ever get back to posting regularly. Like, maybe I'll just never get back into art and writing, and I'll get a really boring job that I don't really like, and I'll never be active on here ever again. That actually kind of scares me. The happiest time of my life was back in middle school when I posted SUPER often and had tons of online friends that I was really close to. And they were all posting often too. As I was weeding through my messages a couple days ago, I saw multiple journals from my old friends, and even just people that I've followed pretty religiously for years, declaring that they were leaving DeviantArt. Heck, a few months ago one of my FAVORITE artists left DA entirely, and for some reason I'm still really upset about that. She has a Tumblr, but she just doesn't post to it like she did to DeviantArt. It's way harder to find her art on there, because it isn't in a collection or anything. Also, she had a comic going for like nine years, and it was never finished.... And I originally followed her for that comic and its characters. They hold such a nice little place in my heart, you'd think it was an actual show or something that I grew up watching. I still can't believe the comic will never be finished, the characters aren't even being drawn anymore, AND she left DA.
But thank you!! I tried, haha.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I mean, I don't really know how to collectively describe all of them, but out conversations from when we first met are usually us talking about stuff we both like, and finding out how much in common we have. And then our conversations from a few years back aren't too different from the ones we have now, except we used to both use "XD" a lot more, haha.
Man, thoughts like that really scare me too, because the last thing I want to do is end up working some boring office job while all the time I spent doing art just becomes this huge phase I went through. But, I try not to dwell on it too much, because it just makes me way too worried. For now, I just want to try and improve so that eventually, I can get the job I want to have. But, it also saddens me how many people are leaving dA. I also miss getting comments from people who I considered to be a little community that I became a part of. Especially since my art is way better now than it ever was back then. Plus, a bunch of good artists that I loved are also leaving, which really sucks. I just really miss the old days, man.
And you're welcome!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
hey jack, i really respect and am proud of you for going out and figuring out all of these issues you've had lately. i've been contending with starting therapy, everyone is telling me to do it, and reading through what you've said is making it sound strangely appealing or at least like it would be good for me when i wasn't so sure before, so i think i'm leaning more towards it now. i hope you can get through all this and i think opening up like this and hurting and letting yourself realize and feel those things is a really good step towards recovery and being where you want to be. always admired you and im glad you're working towards a better you and thanks for the indirect push and let me know if theres anything i can do
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hi, that means so much coming from you! You've known me since I was thirteen(?), and I remember every once in awhile over the years you would mention something about how I seem really... normal and mentally healthy, I guess?? In our big online friend group at the time, I think I did very often seem like the Extroverted Bubbly Happy Kid™. Back in middle school I definitely felt that way, because life was still extremely easy for me and I really didn't have much to worry about, even for someone who struggles with anxiety. Looking back now, I realize that I definitely still had issues, but I didn't know how to identify them, so for the most part they just went unnoticed.
I think I'll actually make a journal explaining all of this better, so for now let me just say directly to you: if you feel like you need therapy, or even if you don't necessarily want therapy but know that you need to start somewhere, I cannot recommend therapy enough. Your parents cannot be legally told anything that you tell your therapist, unless it is to literally save your life/somebody else's. If it's suspected that you're going to seriously harm yourself/attempt suicide/harm somebody else/commit homicide, your therapist will alert somebody, so that you won't do that. But as far as everything else you talk about--that stays between you and your therapist. So, seriously, nothing leaves that room unless it's highly dangerous. I wish somebody had told me that several years ago. You can talk about feeling suicidal, hating someone immensely, or whatever it is--the only reason they can step in and take action outside of that room, is if it seems like you're going to act on those feelings. I would've sought out therapy years ago if I'd known that my parents would be left out of it.
I've had three appointments now, cried my eyes out for two of them, and somehow I already feel like a know more about myself and am slowly (SLOWLY) yet surely going to get better. Everyone reacts to therapy differently, and it's normal to take awhile to warm up to the idea of talking to a stranger. I'm definitely still warming up to it. Also--one thing you should keep in mind, is that no anxiety/fear is actually stupid. I have a lot of anxieties that really, really get to me, but I've spent my whole life either having other people tell me that they were irrational/stupid, or having MYSELF tell me that they were dumb. But once I started therapy and mentioned a lot of them (ex: I have a God-awful fear of driving. I've been driving for two years now and still don't have my driver's license because I have a crippling fear of getting into a wreck if I'm by myself), my therapist ended up revealing to me that there's actually a lot of rational emotions behind each irrational fear. So, seriously--when I say that I recommend therapy... I recommend it. You will learn so much about yourself, and eventually, how to help yourself.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0