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CHAPTER 1: PARTHENOGENESIS

It became clear to Twilight Sparkle, as a sky chariot touched down in the middle of Ponyville town square, that the occupant thereof was in dire need of friends.

It became clear to the little orange unicorn with the soft white mane and the hard green eyes that Twilight was watching that she was in dire need of a drink. Preferably several, then followed by a trawl through the Canternet's vast reserves of adult content and some miserable music. Followed in turn by more drinking. The filly had a liver made of lead. She took a hefty swig from a Thermos flask secreted in her saddlebags and trotted out towards her accomodation in Ponyville, the old games shop just across from the Sugar Cube Corner. It looked bright and shiny now, though, the chrome of the shiny polished to a brilliant sheen that made the perenially slightly-drunk unicorn's eyes hurt.

Obviously, this would be the perfect time for Pinkie Pie to make an appearance.

"Oh hi! You must be new here! I'm Pinkie Pie and I just know we're gonna be the best best BEST friends!"

"You're... pink."

"Yeah! You're really orange! Wanna hang out?"

"... Got any booze?"

"What?"

"I'll take that as a no, then. Sod off."

"Oh boy, are you reopening the game store? I love games! I remember me and Rainbow Dash were playing this one and we went all NYEEOWWWWM and WHUUSSSSSHHHHHH and BRAKKABRAKKABRAKKA and-" Pinkie took a deep breath, and music began to float in from nowhere. "OHHHHHH,
The things we like to do to pass the day in here
Are always fun day after day and then year after year!
Yes, Ponyville's the place to be if fun is what you seeeeeek-
We'll all have the best-"

WHONG!

The bouncing pony had, with the above sound effect, collided heavily with a lamppost that the orange unicorn had steered her towards. Suppressing a slightly mean-spirited snigger as she watched, Twilight decided to round up the others and speak to this orange pony herself. Themselves. Grammar was hard.

*****

An hour later, they rang the doorbell of the Ponyville Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Game Shop (that had been the first and last time they let Ditzy Doo name a building, the pony was deranged). There was a muttered response from within and a small sound of bouncing metal on brickwork. Applejack shrugged.

"Y'say she tol' Pinkie Pie to, uh... 'sod awf'," she said, her accent doing strange and terrible things to the expression. "Maybe we should come back later, once, you know, the girl's had some time to settle in."

"Well, maybe we should do it now and get it over with," said Twilight. "Worked for me."

"Twi's right," Rainbow Dash chipped in. "We should go in hard and fast and make her like it!"

"Thank Celestia she didn't use the word thrust this time," mumbled Rarity, her face in her forehoof.

The door swooped open and the orange pony looked out at the five others blearily. "... are, are, are you thing? Thingy... thingy thingseses. Gymkhana's Witnesses? 'cause I don't, I don't like the thingzat they do. You do. Scuse me, you... ten?" She was, as evidenced just now, somewhat the worse for drink.

Twilight soldiered bravely on. "Hi! We're from the neighbourhood, and we wanted to say hi! I'm Twilight Sparkle, and this is Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. How're you feeling since you got here?"

"... like a pig shat in m'head. gonna need some more booze. hair o' the dog. hey, this one's called Diamond Dog! hair ovva Diamond Dog, hahahaha..."

"You're..." Twilight Sparkle sniffed, wished she hadn't, and scratched at her ear. "Really, really drunk."

"YESH! I'S DRUNKING DOWN FALL! HOORAY FOR ALCOHUUUUUUUURGH!" The orange pony jammed her head behind the door and there was a sound not unakin to vomit filling a metal bucket, which was convenient for a lazy narrator. "S'rry. 'M'Pizzle... Pisswiddle... somefing... hang on... 's'writted down somewhere... Puzzle Box. Thass the, y'know, fing... bouncy animamal... bunny! C'min! Make yersssselves at 'ome. Don't touch the buckets."

The ponies walked into the shop, which was still full of dusty old stuff. The difference now was that the dusty old stuff in question was alcoholic to the point of dangerous. A set of stills bubbled in the corner, overseen by a drunk-looking baby dragon.

"Monty! We've got guests! Get the good stuff, an' the nice glasses..."

"Dintcher break th'nice ones?" The dragon hiccuped and poked the contents of the middle still with a long, warped, blackened-looking stick. "When yer tried drinkin' that... wazzit now... the carroty thing..."

"Oh, yeah, y'right. Sorry. Sorry. That wuzza good night, eh? Hang on, y'broke 'em yerself, y'bastard!"

"I never!"

"Yeah, yeah you did! You had a skinful and you looked at some griffon's bird an' 'ad a set-to. Did'e ever get out of 'oshpital?"

"Yeah, course 'e did. 'E sent us them nice bottles o' Green Fairy, y'remember? The, the posh stuff. Where you getcher sight back in three days. Good girl, that griffin."

"He was a girl?"

"Yeah, she was..."

"They lezzin' it up?"

"'Splains the lack of int'rest... I'll get the big tankards. Back in a tick."

Even Rainbow Dash was beginning to look nervous. Fluttershy was seconds from bolting for the door, when the door bolted itself. Pinkie Pie had wandered in behind the main crowd.

"WAHEY! Gotcher now, girls! It's a lockin now! Welcome to th'grand op'ning of The... the... Monty, wha'd we decide t'call it again?"

"Er... the..." Monty looked blankly at Puzzle Box. "Th'Puzzle Box?"

"Assa nice name, that," said Puzzle Box. "Like it. Yerrall okay wivvat?"

The other ponies nodded, largely from fear. Monty came back with heavy-duty tankards that looked to be lined on the inside with obsidian.

"Siddown... hol' on... Twilight... TWILIGHT SPARKLE, AS I LIVE AN' BREATHE! 'S'ME!"

"Hold on. What? Twilight, you know this drunk-ass unicorn?" Applejack turned to face Twilight, a murderous glint in her eyes. Twilight herself turned to look at Puzzle Box properly. There, on her flank, was a pure-white cutie mark in the shape of a Rubik's cube in a hanging frame.

"Puzzle? Oh, honey... I thought you were in rehab! I thought that was why you left me- I mean, why you left Canterlot!"

"I tried, Twilight... f'three years I was sober as a, a, a fing, y'know wiggy... lawyer... fing. Judge. But it hurt. Ev'ry day hurt, 'cause I knew I couldn't ever go back. Not ter uni with you. Not to our ol' room... not to our ol' life. Chewed me up an' spat me out, 'cause I weren't good enough fer th'College. I drink ter forget, though, these days..."

"Forget what?" Twilight edged forward, a look of concern on her face.

"... Not sure I c'n even remember. So's working, at least. Less get somefing down yer all, ah'm runnin' a pub, norra mausoleum. Hat pony, you look like," and now Puzzle Box's accent warped into something completely different and somewhat piratical, "thou be a zoider drinkerrrr!" Her accent switched back to normal, or what passed for normal when coming from a pissed unicorn. "Posh girl who dun' like th'smell, port'n'Guinness. Singin' pony, jug o' Cosmarepolitan with a ketamine chaser, might stop yer bouncin' fer three seconds. You up the back hidin' in yer 'air... erm... bananananana daiquiri. Yer'll like it, iss sweet. Lezzy pegasus, Jagerbombs. MONTY!" The dragon handed out drinks he'd conjured apparently from nowhere, caught Puzzle's eye, nodded, and ran to the cellar. Why he needed to do this escaped Twilight Sparkle completely until he came back with a load of bottles of deadly-looking purple and blue liquors, one of which appeared to be gouting pinkish steam. Her eyes widened as the drunken unicorn snapped into focus, her horn glowing as her magic mixed the spirits to absolute perfection, adding in a selection of leafy herbs and banging the shaker on the side of the lefthand still, which worried Monty immensely. An elegantly frosted martini glass found its way into her hoof and Puzzle Box poured it.

"It was your favourite, back then."

Well, Twilight thought, one drink couldn't hurt, especially not a Glitterball Special.

"C'mon, guys," she said out loud. "Let's stay a little while."

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Twilight? And hey, why did you let her call me a lesbian?"

"M'gaydar's always been good."

"But... I... what? What about me says gay?"

Monty peered at the blue, tomboyish pegasus girl with the rainbow-coloured mane and the aura of secrecy almost covered up by the much louder aura of, well, loudness. "Nuffin', darlin', nuffin' at all."

"... Fine. You know what? Maybe this'll make sense after we get as drunk as your old roomie is!"

"I'll drink t'that! CHEERS!"

*****

"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"

The sun had set some time ago, and Fluttershy was now downing a sizeable-looking jug of purplish-hued cocktail. This was about the third one she'd had, in between doing jelly shots with Rainbow Dash and dancing seductively on a table to the sound system Monty had set up from nowhere. It was, Puzzle Box reasoned, always the quiet ones. Rarity had switched to the Eighties staple diet of horrible cocktails and was cheering Fluttershy on just as hard as the others, her dignity and reserve gone after her fourth or fifth Cement Mixer.

The last of the Purple Rain entered the pale yellow pegasus to a huge chorus of whoops. She hurled the jug at Monty, who caught it deftly and tossed it into the pressure washer by the stills. Fluttershy bathed in the applause and bowed low, tossing her hair back in a way that made Puzzle Box and a few others in the room feel rather warm. She trotted over to Pinkie Pie, who was having a little nap on the knackered grey sofa in the corner, and grabbed an ice cube from the Maregarita at the pink pony's side.

The resultant squeak could be heard several miles away, and indeed was. Spike in particular heard it, and flew towards the source of the sound. It'd take him a while, but he was sure it would be worth the adventure; Twilight had been missing all day, and Pinkie Pie might know where to find her. He began to run, although, considering who we're talking about, 'he began to toddle' might be a better turn of phrase.

Back in the newly-minted Puzzle Box Bar and Bottle Shop, the spirits were flowing like wine. Applejack was attacking a crate of beers with the gusto she normally only reserved for... well, everything, to be blunt. The beers in question, compliments of the Magpie Brown Brewing Company, didn't last long at all, and therefore Applejack was the most sober pony there, though admittedly this wasn't saying much at all. Even Twilight was plastered, as evidenced by her effusive apologies for knocking Puzzle's box of old records off of its precarious perch. The stereo was blaring out some power ballad, and Monty was holding forth eloquently on the merits of famed Futurist artist Rebel Vortex with a stuffed cat that looked oddly like a rugby ball. Everybody was, despite their earlier misgivings, having a brilliant time.

Rainbow Dash eventually cornered Puzzle Box at the minibar she'd set up on a trestle table.

"Oh hi! What c'n I getcher, Rainbow? I'm juss on a break drink, personally, but 's'up to you..."

"Um, I kinda wanna talk t'you about something, Puzzle. Somethin' private."

Puzzle went to tap the side of her muzzle, missed, and winked instead. "Sure thing. Here, have a Blackest Night." They trotted off to the corner by the stills, Rainbow Dash looking extremely awkward.

"So, um, listen, Puzzle..." she said, slurring her words together, "I gotta ask... why'd ya peg me for a, um... a mare's mare, if'n you get my drift?"

"What? Uh, the rainbow motif, the tomboy attitude, the fact I can see the way y'look at your friends like you wanna buck yerself in the groin an' not stop... I might be a drunk, but I ain't not no dumbass."

"'Cause I ain't lesbian."

"Sure."

"I'm bisexual."

"... horseapples, I owe Monty a tenner. OI, MONTY-" Rainbow Dash shoved a hoof into the orange unicorn's mouth.

"Y'know, there's different ways for bi girls to silence each other, not t'say nicer ways."

"I'm really not comfortable with the others knowing. It... I'm scared, OK? An' I think... I think I might be fallin' fer, well... you're gonna laugh."

"Why? 'S'not Twi, is it? 'Cause, lemme tell y'somethin' about everyone's fave nerdfighter-"

"... 's'Fluttershy."

"Now, why'd I laugh at that? Thassa fine pony there, RD. Y'got some taste in yer fillies. OK, so she's shy - gathered that already from th'name - but Goddesses-damn, she makes it work. Now... y'wanna get even more wasted? You look like a filly in need of auntie Puzzle's Green Fairy."

"But, what about this-"

"Neck it, y'big Jessie! What're you, a pony or a mouse? 'Cause we've got traps down in the - oh, hello Fluttershy! I was just talking to-" Puzzle was impressed. There had been a small sonic boom as Rainbow Dash fled to the relative safety of the sound system table. She hadn't seen anyone move that fast since Twilight's parents had shown up unexpectedly in the middle of one of Puzzle's special massages.

"So, what does a Puzzle Box special massage consist of, Puzzle?"

The little orange unicorn was on the receiving end of a death glare to end them all from Twilight Sparkle.

"... I said that out loud, didn't I..."

"WhatPuzzlemeantwasthatoccasionallyIliketogetamassageandIdidn'twantmyparentstoseemegetting amassagebecausethatwouldbeweirdI'mnotgayI'mnotgayI'mnotI'mnotI'mNOT!"

"Uh..." said Applejack from the corner, trying to break the awkward silence that had followed Twilight's definitely-not-confession for about a minute, "maybe we shouldn't do Truth or Dare then..."

"YOU NEVER TOLD ME ANY OF THAT!"

Twilight Sparkle spun to face the door, as did everyone else, and saw a panting Spike leaning against the frame looking like he was about to have several heart attacks.

"By all the gods that e'er there were, he's exquisite..." said Monty, who was hallucinating a whole range of bishie sparkles and probably the odd rose petal background effect. Spike didn't hear him, which was for now the best outcome.

"Besides, what the hay is that you're all drinking - no, wait, don't tell me. Cocktails from Agent Orange over there."

"Ackshully," said Pinkie Pie from the sofa, "Agent Orange livesh on zhe PegaCorps bashe over inna necksht town. He bulk ordersh my piesh for the boysh an' girlsh in green."

"Green? With, with orange? But he'll CLASH!"

"Nah, don' be a silly-filly, Rare! Theysh all like Tic Tacs!" Pinkie made an expansive gesture with a foreleg and crashed off the sofa.

"Don' lie down on the floor, Pinkie Pie! Such behaviour's unbecoming in a pony," chided Rarity from the floor. Both of them snickered like tickled geese.

"Uh, Ah think y'all might be losin' sight o' the real issue here. Twilight... Ah ain't gonna pry, it's yer business who y'all like. But if y'are... like that, yer still mah friend. And Ah love ya. N-not like that thar, obvioushly, but, y'know..."

"i am."

The necks of the ponies span round to stare at Twilight, then Rainbow Dash, then back to Twilight again.

"You're, um... like that, Rainbow?"

"i, um..." Rainbow Dash squeaked again and hid behind a still, whereupon she was dragged out slightly wavily by a now-exceedingly drunk Fluttershy. "i'm bi."

"Cough up, Puzzle," said Monty.

"... Fine." Puzzle Box handed over a promissory note for ten coins. "One bisexual. One tenner. Done."

"And th'rest."

"Whassat now?"

The room was now fixed on Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, both of whom were engaged in an epic bout of tongue hockey. The latter pony was purring so much it felt like a physical force, and the rest of the partygoers went "AWWWWWWWW!"

"... You're sly, Monty. Damn, you're sly."

"Only the best for you, Puzzle! Speaking thereof... where did that beautiful boy go? He looks curious... I must have him!"

"Sometimes, Monty, you caaaaaan come off a little, tiny, really friggin' tiny bit rapey."

"Shurrup an' watch the groping."

"Whatcher mean groping ohissssseeeeeeee. Dayum. Aw, hell, now I owe you another twenty."

"Whassat now?"

"The Southern Belle and the snob just dropped behind the couch an' I don't fink issa fight..."

"Wahey! I can get that Tactical Megaspell Penguin back in from th'blokes back 'ome!"

"... share?"

"Fook off. Y'nicked alla last one. Anyone seen Spike? I've got some sapphire gin upstairs, he might like that."

"Sapphires?" Spike popped up from nowhere, a large Tequila Sunrise in his off hand. "Oh boy, I love those! But, um, have you, um... have you got any, er... garnet?"

Monty blinked. "For you, dear boy, anything. PUZZLE! More money, if you would!"

"Wha? Why's that?"

"Boy dragons who like other boy dragons are said to love eating pink gems. Like garnet."

"... I hate you, Monty."

"Ah, not really. Yer just sore that my gaydar's better than yours."

The orange unicorn floated him another promissory note. "You go have fun with your... whassit tha' youse said earlierer? Your exquisite boy..."

Spike's eyes widened. Monty grinned.

"Y-you really think I'm exquer... exwee... ex-wizard..."

"Yes, darling. Come upstairs, let me tell you about this other purple boy I knew. Called Spyro, he was, unusual name but hung like a..." Monty's voice disappeared as his bedroom door slammed. Puzzle turned back to Twilight Sparkle who was now sitting on an armchair next to a snoring Pinkie Pie.

"Heya, Puzzle."

"Hi, Twilight."

"Y'know, this was really fun... but you should go back to rehab. You're... you're killing yourself."

"Nonononono. What killed me... what killed me was that we were apart and we could never be together. Not properly. You were straight... yer still straight. Least, I fink yer straight. I teased yer, but juss 'cause y'were so studious and solit'ry. I wanted you... but it wouldn't work."

"Puzzle, I, I needa-"

"Yeh've been drinkin' Glitterball Specials all night. I made 'em, y'know. Made 'em up, that isss. An'..." A little tear balled at the corner of Puzzle Box's startlingly green eyes. "An' I made 'em for you... an' I'm sorry." She looked away, the tear splatting on the floor.

"Puzzle?"

"y-yeah?"

"I was... I was allus just scareda you. Scared it was an act... thatcha was jus' goin' ter hurt me. I... I wanted you too."

"But-"

"Oh, shurrup." And with that, Twilight kissed Puzzle as hard as she could.

A song called To Be Alive Again blared from the stereo at roughly the same time, and it dawned on Puzzle Box that Monty might actually be precognisant. But that thought was for the morning, and kissing was for right now, and the love in the room?

That was all for the rest of the night.