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colourcodedchaos — She
Published: 2012-02-12 17:02:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 525; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 2
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She. The all-pervading she. The clocks can't tick without her willing it so nor the seas move nor the clouds ascend nor this world linger evermore in sunlit salitter. How I ache for her. How can I live.How can she die.
Storms lap at the edges of my mind laughing at the barricades and defences gliding over them black swans all oh how it hurts my darlings my darlings how it hurts. Fear's fire and strife lifting weights beyond the sacred sepulchre of this so good too good world this earth this Eden this love. Take the blade and feel the sting revel revel in the dying of the light all hell broken loose in a wine-dark monster. The pitch black goddess of the autophobes.
Many words for what I am so many words they scare me they really do unlikely as it might seem the vicious rumours each more evil than the last every bite and storied sting bringing red hurt and black thoughts shot through with azure heat. Everypony knows I'm not like that I'm not so base but what if that's my destiny. We pick our own after all.
Every word every hateful needful word pours from me I need her I hate her I I I what new devilry is this. Madness mates with misery brings forth a killer judging bearing me in silvered shackles to Canossa to abase myself before her. She. The eternal the undying make it stop please dear heart of mine stop it stop her forever. What doesn't kill her makes me weaker.
It hurts to breathe now.
Good.
I stand before Venus and Aphrodite and Jezebel the tripartite queendom of the velvet no not velvet gold and pearl and hardness never velvet I hate I want I speak. She replies soft-voiced talking to an errant child the bluest blue chirocrat forcing me to rise. Virtuous circles for the vicious one. I need to wake I can't oh three hundred hells I can't the self unwilling Crowley's unicorn dust in the face of me me this shouted shot-blasted nothing of a me.
She speaks more some demented laetificant impersonator witch-fires burning at the base of her horn rising rising light ascends. We are close but she is closer. Fear and flame and darkness is all that awaits for wanting this the black swans titter and circle break your legs if you're not too careful don't you know they belong to the crown. I do.
She is all and all that is good and all that is deep and all I cannot love as I would have it bring the myrrh bring the basil it has gone to hell and hurt and turn to a great partouse of devils and monsters and me oh me when will you let me go. Burnt back beaten back hate and love ascending merging becoming me. Divine the meaning of my stars.
All has risen. Love becomes lust. Hate becomes me. Death becomes her.
Help me.
*******
Dear Princess Celestia,
I haven't heard from you in a while. Is everything alright with Luna? You said she'd been troubled the last time we talked.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle.
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Comments: 46
Original comment: "learn to punctuation, plz"
However after reading your comments you seem to be an on-to-it kind of person, so I'm assuming that having no punctuation but full stops was intentional. I'm just going to say it didn't work for me. I re-read sentences and split them with commas in my mind so they would flow better. Just because Luna is going loco doesn't necessarily mean she would think in monotone.
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I see where you're coming from, but punctuating things correctly would not have helped the mood of the piece. It's not supposed to be monotone, it's supposed to be hurried, everything happening at once to the poor girl and all of it as terrifying as only the onset of a Nightmare can be. If you added commas in the confines of your own brain then that's entirely your prerogative, but it's mine to make a piece deliberately aping (albeit badly) those long stretches of Joyce and whathaveyou in which grammar only appears sporadically.
I didn't say I'd got it right, just that tat was the object of the exercise.
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Fair enough. I re-read it again with a hurried Luna in mind and it does work. I think I read it slowly in my mind, where the lack of punctuation jarred, as I was trying to process your dense language. I don't mean that insultingly, I mean it was dense with imagery, double meanings and metaphors. To really understand what was being said I needed to break it up into more manageable chunks, and I still didn't get the incestuous lesbianism thing, so there you go.
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Thanks for the compliment - the denseness of the meanings and allegories is why it's so short. I wanted to make every single word matter, except for in the little epilogue at the end, and Luna's fanon as a whole doesn't tend to look that deeply at Luna and Celestia's relationship. One fic that does do that is Eternal by Device Heretic, which you should read because everyone should read it.
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Star-6, eh? Added to my reading list. Thanks!
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This was interesting to say the least. A bit confusing I will say, haha reminded me of something off Oblivion.
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It's funny you bring that up; I've never played Oblivion...
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its a great game. the Elder Scrolls is just a great series as a general rule. 
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It certainly looks good.
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Uh, not to sound like a troll, but Aphrodite IS Venus.
Also, the Olympians have a portal to Equestria? FIRST THE FRENCH, NOW THE GODS. WHEN'S AMERICA GETTING IN ON THIS?
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Um, not to sound like a pedant, but that isn't the case. While Venus was inspired by Aphrodite, the two do not share every characteristic or legend. If they did, you'd have a point. As for the portal to Equestria... oh, come come, have you never heard of metaphor?
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I was making a joke on the fact that the French have been mentioned more than once, and now this is another human reference.
And Venus is Latin for Aphrodite. Same gods but different cultures resulted in some conflicting myths and stories regarding the diety.
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Not exactly. Venus was knocked together from a variety of local fertility goddesses; Aphrodite's influence was simply part of the soup. You see, while Aphrodite is generally depicted as the goddess of love and nothing else, Venus is both a much less and much more conventional fertility deity. Not only is a motherly love goddess, but she was a carnal goddess (at least in some aspects - the Romans were big on aspects; that's why you get members of the Roman pantheon with random words after their name, it's just a more specific aspect of the deity you're praying to), and while Aphrodite was a sexual goddess she wasn't exactly a goddess of sex. If that makes any sense.
The point I wanted to make with them is to use the concept of Aphrodite as acceptable sororital love, Venus as transgressive love, and Jezebel as the pain of love abused; the reason that there are those three and not others as well is yet more Christian symbolism, a take on the Holy Trinity of Luna's incestuous lust after the perfect older sister that she feels no connection as a sister. She's been torn apart by it before, in my mind at least, and this fic is all about her succumbing to the obsession again. To put it bluntly (to say nothing of slightly stupidly), Luna wants Molestia. She ain't gonna get it, hence her flying off the deep end like Ian Thorpe crossed with Ophelia. Because what kind of cutie mark would a psychologist even have, anyway...
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Well. That was... pretty disturbing. The stream-of-consciousness writing definitely contributed to the general mood and overall sense of crazy; it also made the whole thing pretty difficult to understand, which I would usually call a detriment to the story, but... that kind of seems to be the point here. "Through the eyes of madness" and all.
Also. There are a hell of a lot of awesome lines here, especially with Luna's little plays on idioms. "What doesn't kill her makes me weaker," "Virtuous circles for the vicious one," and the like. The former in particular really struck me; I think I've reread it a good five times in the last few minutes since I read this story. I don't think I can quite explain why I like that sentence so much, but I think it has a good bit to do with the idea of Luna and Celestia as polar opposites; what makes Celestia stronger makes Luna weaker. I think I see that theme cropping up a few times in this story.
Of course, it wouldn't be a critique if I just told you what you did well, so here's something you might improve. Mostly, the ending (with Twilight's letter) seems sort of clumsy and info-dumpy. I'm assuming your main goal in adding that bit was making sure that the reader recognizes who the characters in here are. However, it's pretty clear that the speaker is referring to Celestia at the start, so at that point I was pretty much able to narrow the possible speakers to either Discord or Luna. While I agree that you do probably need to make the identity of the speaker clear, I feel like it could be done in a more cohesive manner, rather than the letter format. Perhaps provide a reference in Luna's monologue to Luna Eclipsed and/or the story of Nightmare Moon--something the reader should be familiar with and automatically relate Luna to.
Aside from that, well... I'm not sure I have any other suggestions. I had to keep a second Dictionary.com tag up when reading this, as I encountered a lot of words that I wasn't familiar with. But, judging by your author's comment, I'm going to guess that this was intentional--and it makes sense, considering Luna's antiquated style of speaking. In general... it was good. Disturbing, but good. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go read a happy fic.
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You raise a lot of excellent points, and I appreciate you taking the time to do so. One thin I would like to mention is that I tried to use less outright pony references and concentrate more on symbolism and particularly colour. Black, well, that's obvious, but blue is associated with lust in Christian mythology. Blue comes up a lot in this piece, since Luna's generally seen as this adorable blue bundle of cute and occasional shouty; Nightmare Moon being the "wine-dark monster" in question (I trust I don't have to explain wine-dark) and the azure heat references. I also included the bit about velvet because "tipping the velvet" is an old term for lesbianism.
Yeah.
That implies exactly what you think it implies.
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Fenwolf's comment for the wrap-up: "The fuck did I just read? Also, I felt smart because I knew what salitter meant."
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You read The Road too? Awesome!
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Eeyup. Wanted to read the book after I saw the movie.
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Yeah, I liked the film a lot too. It got a lot of hate because the trailer completely mis-sold it as an action thriller, when it is in fact... well, The Road. Still a good film, mind. Viggo Mortensen needs a lot more work than he's got since LotR ended, he's a talented actor.
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He is pretty awesome. And boy was that film dark, really made you hate humanity some.
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Didn't make me hate humanity (because nothing can, what with humans as a species being awesome) but I could see why someone would draw that conclusion. But yeah, back on topic, I thought you said you were going to review the fuck out of this?
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Whoah, jeez. This is a well-painted portrait of psychosis. We should probably call Celestia "Lowballia".
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I don't follow on the Lowballia thing. However, if it's calling Tia mental, you... did realise it was from Luna's perspective, right? The references to nightmares, use of the colour blue...
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Well, if Nightmare Moon is making a comeback, saying that Luna is perhaps disturbed is understating (or, to use North American slang, lowballing) what's wrong with her.
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Oh, right, I get it. Sorry, not that up on my slang. Innit. Only thing I could find on it was an estate agent's term for a deliberately... low... offer... gods, I'm dumb. But yeah, you could make that argument if you wanted to be facetious about someone protecting someone they love. Which you don't, I hope.
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I'm not. What I have noticed is that the Celestia of your universe tends to shy away from anything that might unduly alarm others as a matter of course. When she says "troubled", somepony who actually knew her as well as she thinks she does would realise that Luna is in desperate straits.
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Ee and indeed yup, but we're also working with Twilight, who's a tiny adorable Aspie. We don't do social.
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She does, however, do "blaming herself after the fact for not seeing what's in front of her despite it not being something she's built to do."
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Eeyup. That'll be a big pile o' self-loathing for her to work through.
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Well, at least she's got friends who can help her with that.
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Eeyup. And Applejack, of course, who is her very special friend. Very, very special friend. With all sorts of special games to play...
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Everypony needs a way to relax after a hard day at work. For Twilight, it's whipping an essay into shape. For Applejack, it's whipping a bound, gagged, latex-clad and partially-suspended Twilight. Hell, it's a farm. Ain't like there's much else to do.
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I wonder what the safety word is. Probably 'muffins'.
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Nah... Twi uses her magic to tell AJ when things are getting too rough. If they agreed on muffins as a safeword then it might bring unwanted attention.
"Oh, hi everypony! I heard you had some muffins down here and - oh my goodness." *ka-wingboner*
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Indeed. And then Dinky asked her mother what a menage a trois was...
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All the while doing mental arithmetic concerning herself, Apple Bloom and a pony to be named later.
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Nah, that'd be a fourway. Cutie Mark Crusader sapphic orgy lovers YAY!
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Let's just say that Scoots idolises Dash in every single respect and leave it at that...
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