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ctrl-4lt-d3l — In the Morning
Published: 2010-02-18 23:11:24 +0000 UTC; Views: 272; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 2
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Description
in the morningwhen the mists slither and writhe like snakes
and the early walkers bundle themselves against the cold
I wake
I suppose this is not terribly unusual
but it has meaning for me
I've always tried to excel
but I can't
People call me a failure
I don't care anymore
Let them be I say
to myself
let them be
they have no purpose,
no meaning
like those tendrils of mist in the morning
slithering and hissing
I think one bit me once
It's why I'm so crazy
At least, that's what they call me
the crazy old man
they say
But I just laugh
quietly
inside my head
I know what matters
they don't
They should mock themselves
disillusioned
that's what they should chant
and mock each other with
they think they know what matters
disillusioned
Like the early walkers
I too
bundle myself
not against the cold
but the lies
the hatred
I used to love
I used to live
not anymore
I've died a thousand deaths too many for that
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Comments: 8
Thank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at !
This was a very interesting poem! The formatting and style of writing you used here made it flow well, but it did seem to drag on a little bit in some places.
But nevertheless, you did a very good job with it! I simply adore the closing line, since it's very well composed and so impactive. Keep up the good work!
=TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club and #LandoftheSky
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Thanks for critiquing this, I really do appreciate it.
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Another beautyifully written poem. This one I can visualize so well in my head. I like the line "I wake
I suppose this is not terribly unusual
but it has meaning for me"
The way you depict things is so truthful and just so stunning...
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i really like this one.
hey if my crit/advice bothers u let me know and ill stop maybe
in this line:
I think one bit me once
It's why I'm so crazy
i would change:
I think one bit me once
that might be
why I'm so crazy
or:
I think one bit me once
maybe that's
why I'm so crazy
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No, no! Critique is great! I can't really critique your stuff, as it's all fan-girl drawings, and I know nothing about the Manga you watch or drawing for that matter.
I'm going to go change that line, the first one you suggested is much less awkward than the way I had it.
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FFFFFFFFFFF LOL 'ALL FANGIRL DRAWINGS' ffffffff so untrue, its all FANART xDDDD lololol ive been itching to draw some of mah oc's lately.... but the 2 are yaoi so............. < u < lmao and ive been wanting to draw my oc snow, with her 2 buddehs in the badtouch... yesh im just rambling now.
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