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ctrl-4lt-d3l — When
Published: 2010-02-18 23:27:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 800; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 7
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when,when you understand that the earth is round
and that what matters,
is not your fears
but your dreams
and that,
when you give love,
you lose nothing
when you know who and what makes you truly happy,
and each and every second of every day
you are content
when you've left the world a better place than you found it
when you can be hurt, pick yourself up,
and be hurt again,
and still laugh
when you comprehend the infinite variety of the universe,
and the limits of language,
when you know that you've lived life to it's fullest
then,
then you will be Remembered,
if not in the dusty tomes of history,
by those who knew you, and by those who you influenced, knowingly or not.
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Comments: 24
--Writer's Club Critique--
Hiya! I'm Claire, a critic over at Writer's--Club and you submitted this in for us to take a look at so...here I am!
First off, I LOVED this. 
I especially love the line
when you give love, you loose nothing
and I'm seriously considering setting it as my Facebook status. Crediting you in doing so, of coarse.
Anyways, as a critic, I'm sorta kinda obligated to point out your spelling/gramatical/mechanical error doo-hickees but it's 4AM and I have not slept in a very long time so can we just leave it as a gentle suggestion?...Great! Glad to hear it.
Back to what I said about the concept thing? The mood of your piece, the impact on an audience, the feeling behind words, the..the....Yea, that's all I got. May I make a comment? I dunno 'bout you, but I found it a bit cliche. And when I say a 'bit', I mean a lot. O_o Yes, it might be 'unexplored' but the portion of it that has been explored has been EXPLORED, if you know what I mean. Catch my drift? Gettin' my vibe? Feelin' my flow? You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down? Smellin' what I'm steppin' in? ....Where was I? XD Oh! Right, my apologies. I tend to ramble. (*begins to sing Led Zepplin in her head*)
Some of your stanzas here just sound like you regurgitated every poem relevant to the topic into some amateur collaboration like Chicken Soup for the Soul, or maybe even just the hook on the back, I don't know. 
EVERY word should have meaning, every word should add more and more to the piece, not fill up space.
Wow, that was a long one. I think I'm better at these sleep deprived than I am on a normal basis.
So in conclusion? I want MORE. More detailed, more specified. It's great, I really do like it. But I guess the only thing I don't like about it, is the lack of it...That made sense, right?
Oh, well. Hope I was of some help! I'll be looking forward to more of your writing!
-Claire
Writer's Club Staff, Critic and Co-founder
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Oh wow, thanks for taking the time to give me a critique on this! I'll definitely look into your suggestions.
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You have wisdom beyond your years. Very well written.
Against the administrator's wishes, I am going to embroider this on the padding that lines my room walls.
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Thank you!
Against the administrator's wishes, I am going to embroider this on the padding that lines my room walls.
What do you mean by this though?
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I am in an asylum with padded walls. I am not supposed to post any signs. All I have is this computer I made from spare parts from electric razors and toothbrushes. The microprocessors are smuggled in by carrier pigeons. My last pigeon, sadly, got a hernia from bringing in a hard drive.
Please read my featured Dev, "Do Not Read This" and you'll see what I am about. Oops. Time for my Thoraziine.
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Other than that, How's the writing going? Do you try to write on some schedule or whenever the inspiration hits you?
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I wrote on a schedule last year, and that's the only reason I have anything. I haven't written in a LONG time, but I have a couple ideas, so if all goes well I'll have at least one poem up in the next week.
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GOOD for you! Looking forward to reading it.
I wrote on a schedule once and when I got done, I couldn't tell when my train was coming...
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My sentiments exactly. Hopefully I've influenced others without knowing it...for the better.
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It's similar to one of my favorite quotes:
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
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I like it. Not many people really think about who'll remember them. In my opinion it is better to be remembered by those who knew you than to be remembered by history books. History books just get the facts, people remember the things that are important to them and you. Much more personal.
And I don't think it's that cheezy
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I wish History books got the facts, sometimes I think they get much less.
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History books are written by the conquerors, of course they want to put themselves in the best light possible
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Exactly. They talk all about the atomic bombs used on Japan, but never once mention the carpet bombing of Germany, the starvation and firebombing of Japan or the use of Napalm and daisy cutters in Vietnam. And Columbus is a national hero.
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Yup basically. And just look at right here in the US. We bought all these territories and it was great because we could expand and go west to the 'wild frontier' but we had to relocate all the people who were living their already-the native americans. History books only vaguely mention the "Trail of Tears' and that was just one of the worst things we didn't to the Native Americans
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Yeah. They also never mention that blacks in America had it better off right after the civil war then they did in the early 1900s.
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its very good it makes you think that perhaps we need to be more aware of the things
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i really like this one too!!! 
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Thanks! I was feeling all wise and such, so I wrote this.
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