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The first spark: the one moment that ignites a lifelong obsession with danger, the warmth you feel deep down inside of you, the twinkle that lights up your eye renewing your hope in the world, the match which strays onto a newspaper drenched in turpentine. I don’t remember when my love of fire began and I don’t know when it will end, but today I’m going to give you some handy hints on

HOW TO BE A PYROMANIAC
By Francis “Make it” Byrne

Before you can begin your revelries with fire, you must understand that it is an extremely dangerous hobby and you may find yourself in trouble with the law… if you get caught. So our first topic of instruction is that of stealth and caution. When you first light a fire, make sure that it is in an open space, separated from any leaf litter or anything that may catch on fire and preferably keep the fire outside where the trees can absorb the smoke resulting from our entertainment. Keep a bucket of water and a blanket to smother the fire handy at all times, you never know when they might be needed! Make sure your fireplace is away from prying eyes, especially those of your parents and the police and try to keep it as small as possible without spoiling the enjoyment. Do NOT use green leaves, damp wood, chemicals or unknown materials in your fire as they can lead harmful gases and, more importantly, huge clouds of black smoke which everyone can see.

Now that we have sited our area for experimentation, make sure you have the right materials need for a good fire. You can just start out with some matches, sheets of newspaper and wood but after a while that becomes boring so you might like to use some of the following:

1. Sparklers (an old favourite), scratch off all the powder and put it in a bag for a ‘sparkler bomb’ or make a line of powder leading up to your main fire

2. Petrol/Turpentine, very useful as the fuel of fires, dampen paper or wood for added enjoyment

3. Jars/Bottles, you can have hours of fun putting small fires out with jars and watching the smoke rise and swirl and do other cool things; you can even make Molotov Cocktails with them!

4. Plastic-coated shoelaces and a bucket of water can make an amazing combination. Light the bottom of the shoelace and tie it over the bucket; as it slowly burns, the molten plastic drips into the water and makes wonderful silhouettes

For more experienced users:

1. ‘Napalm’ is created when polystyrene is saturated in petrol and it is like flammable goo. It sticks to stuff, is very potent and quite difficult to put out so be careful

2. Deodorant is a pyromaniac’s best friend, it can cover your smell and when combined with a lighter spurts fire up to two metres!

3. Fireworks are always lots of fun but equally hazardous for amateurs

Now, when you have finished your frolicking in the lands of pyrotechnics, you must always remember to cover your tracks. Make sure the fire is completely out (I have had many bad experiences with fires that just don’t die), hide your tools of evil (or whatever you used to make the fire) and cover up the burnt spot in the ground that you most likely made. Then it is a simple matter of cleaning yourself up, removing the smell from your clothes (with the pre-mentioned deodorant) and trying to look as innocent as possible when you explain to your mother that the shoe you used to stamp out your fire was actually just the result of a car running over your foot, that the dog might need a vet because it “spontaneously combusted” and that you need more petrol because you “need to mow the lawns.”

Overall, burning stuff is lots of fun, it can teach you many important lessons (I will certainly remember not to extinguish a fire with petrol and then try to fan it with my only pair of school pants) and the ability to wriggle out of compromising situations with a complicated web of baffling lies will surely aid you in your later life. Just remember to play it safe and not get hurt……too much.