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Published: 2004-10-27 09:46:49 +0000 UTC; Views: 170; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 17
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Description
EmotionsThere’s a lesson I’ve learnt,
Emotions it’s about,
They’re for what I did yearn,
Now in my head do they crowd.
There’s colours blinding,
A jumble of words,
A distant crying,
The chirrup of a bird.
Of my first love,
We failed abysmally,
I thought ‘twas from above,
But loves nought but free.
This tear forming,
In my left eye,
Depression It’s causing,
I wish to die.
I’ll lock my heart up,
And throw away the key,
It shall not be breached,
Because it’s always hurting me.
My feelings I shall lock away,
They being my downfall,
In hope depression will go away,
For I’m reduced to crawl.
I must defy these emotions,
For to them I’m enslaved,
Though my many notions,
By them I’m betrayed.
I’m waiting for that special one,
I wish for her upon a star,
To release me from this web I’ve spun,
To travel here from afar.
They’ll have the key,
Or so I pray,
I’ll be waiting for them,
Unto this day.
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Comments: 3
panther420 [2004-10-28 07:33:19 +0000 UTC]
not bad not bad....a few suggestions...one would be to limit the amount of contractions...I think thats what you call em like I'm and You're and stuff like that...to me that kind of clogs up the flow....second would be you need to use more imagery...it seems the narrator is telling us what he has been through not how he feels the reader gets a sense of what is happen after a stanza or two after that you should delve into something more than lamentations for a lost love and the hope that a new love will come....Ill be the first to admit writing love poetry is tricky business...it is hard to put down on paper something that makes one love poem different from another....I hope this critique is helpful and good luck in your future writings...
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cybertrip [2004-10-28 05:29:11 +0000 UTC]
I understand this poem to the very last word. Keep it up.
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dying-lonely [2004-10-28 03:01:56 +0000 UTC]
this is good. i like the flow of it, though it seems a bit higgledy piggledy. its nice though, acoz it shows the progression of the person's emotions over time.
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