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devilhooker666 — Remind me What we're Missing
Published: 2006-01-14 04:48:38 +0000 UTC; Views: 103; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 5
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Description When everything is said and done;
When hearts are dead and cold;
When old wishes become new hatred,
And tears just never stop.

When apologies mean nothing;
When promises are dead and broken;
When everything ever said
Was really all for nothing.

When reaching out feels guilty;
When you can't feel perfect again;
When the beauty you once felt
Has slowly faded away.

When you just cannot take it;
When the goosebumps never leave;
When you know that how we felt
Is now gone forever,
Call me.

Bring me back.

Remind me what we're missing,
Of what we had before.
Take me in your arms again
And the world will spin once more.
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devilhooker666 - When I Leave
Comments: 12

sisterjanet [2006-01-20 07:19:16 +0000 UTC]

I'm planning on coming back to say more later, but for now, this reminds me in construction of John Donne's "Valediction: Forbidding Mourning." I found it online here: [link]

You could strengthen this up with some work on the meter in my opinion. End rhyme would be up to you, but you've definitely got the beginnings of good meter.

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devilhooker666 In reply to sisterjanet [2006-01-20 20:29:54 +0000 UTC]

Okay, thanks!

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sisterjanet In reply to devilhooker666 [2006-02-08 03:47:41 +0000 UTC]

Have I told you yet that you need to figure out semicolons? I told somebody, but I can't remember if it was you. A semicolon either separates two complete sentences or it separates items in a list where one or more of the items needs to have a comma in it. Example sentence: I could make a list; that list could include shapes; pirates, possibly including Jack Sparrow; or super heroes. (Example sentences are just about always lame, but I hope you get it despite the lameness of that sentence.)

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devilhooker666 In reply to sisterjanet [2006-02-08 22:55:39 +0000 UTC]

hahaha yeah, you told me about semicolons before. I dunno, I would rather use commas and periods than use the semicolon wrong. You still get the sentence spacing and stuff, so.

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deadlypoison695 [2006-01-19 02:31:02 +0000 UTC]

I'm tempted to say the J name but I'm not quite sure. Very expressive. Feel better huny.

<3 Poison

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devilhooker666 In reply to deadlypoison695 [2006-01-20 03:56:49 +0000 UTC]

hahaha the J name? Been and done over that playa. He has a girlfriend so I'm over it. The inspiration was purely indirect.

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Silentas [2006-01-18 04:13:45 +0000 UTC]

It's good, I think it could use some tweaking here in there, but who am I to judge the great and magnificant DEVILHOOKER... I can't lie thought, I am so much better at writing then you are kIdDiNg... You're stuff is brilliant stuff Still thought... its missing something, but wut only matters is ur opinion, mine is merely a miniscule critique besides wut do I kno... I could be reading it wrong... neway making this short, I like it alot *muah*

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devilhooker666 In reply to Silentas [2006-01-19 01:07:44 +0000 UTC]

lol. nice long comment about basically nothing...hmm...

haha love ya

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jerzchick16 [2006-01-17 03:28:10 +0000 UTC]

very strong, seems so hopeful yet so sad at the same time

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devilhooker666 In reply to jerzchick16 [2006-01-17 20:50:44 +0000 UTC]

And that's kind of what I was going for. So that was quite a compliment since I didn't tell anyone.

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thegirlinadarkprison [2006-01-16 14:02:16 +0000 UTC]

wow that is powerful..well done i really liked it...just wish i had inspiration at the moment. well done hun

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devilhooker666 In reply to thegirlinadarkprison [2006-01-16 16:23:59 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much. Hope you get your inspiration back, it's such a bitch.

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