thinkfastBOOM93 [2007-09-22 16:55:28 +0000 UTC]

lol awesome poem (:imma fav it

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Negated [2007-04-15 23:12:39 +0000 UTC]

As I look remember what I said about the linebreak? do you know exactly why you broke it here? try reading it out loud, with a pause everywhere you break--does it flow, to you? because I don't think this one does. Here are some possibilities for this stanza, and I'm not even touching the words themselves (check your spelling, don't capitalize one I and leave the other as i) to show you the power of linebreaks.

As I look out of the window,
some would think
I see what I wish
to see.

out of the window
some would think
I see
what i wish to see.

A tree whose branches carry leaves no more
is shivering in the cold,
while I sit on my heater
inside. good. I can see you're playing with words now 'shivering in the cold', 'I sit on my heater' etc. You could do aLOT more of this type of thing, expand it, in the rest of the poem. esp with the naked tree, thats got alot of imageric potential.

The snow is clinging to the rooftops
praying it will not
tumble to the ground
where it will be trodden on by careless feet,
while I sit at home.
But I believe
that I am only seeing how lucky I am.

again, misplaced linebreaks. figure those out yourself and I'll tell you how well each works :} Love the personification, 'clinging', 'praying', 'tumble to the ground'. Maybe give a more solid connection to that image in human reality, wrap a little more story into it? Good last line. could be a stronger break, but the sentiment is there.

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Negated [2007-04-15 23:06:37 +0000 UTC]

I'm going to give you a brutal crit on this right now, not out of spite but because it'll [hopefully] show you how to improve. We all need to improve :} (me especially, haha).

A few things to keep in mind while writing poetry:

1. linebreaks are there for a reason. don't abuse them and chuck them in whenever you feel like it; you need to watch your pacing or else your poem will feel like the remnants of a verbal explosion, 'cept sloppier.

2. imagery is GOOD. (some ppl might argue with me on this, haha.) unique imagery, however, is even better. details, details! you want something that'll catch people's attention, and -hold- it until they read to the end.

3. poems are small things, compared to short stories or even novels. Physically, anyway. This shouldn't stop you from putting as much as you can into them, imbue the words with meaning, play with concepts, make your reader -think-. Don't have too much empty space, so that instead of a solid bite it feels like I've just biten down on air.

I'll put the detailed crit in another comment, this one's getting a bit long.

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darkhorse5 [2007-02-18 02:43:00 +0000 UTC]

You make an interesting point here and something certainly does come accross. My only suggestion is to modify the part about the steam because unless I am very dense it has nothing to do with the rest of the poem.

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