HOME | DD

Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

no, im not quitting or anything, don’t unwatch me

im going to give some context first. you can skip this part if you want. for months ive been extremely depressed and it’s only gotten worse, my anxiety has spiked, suicidal thoughts are starting to return, and I feel miserable.

one of the big factors of this recently is my art, and my art social medias. I hate my art. I downright despise it and think it’s ugly. I’ve done nothing but compare myself to other people, generally those who are younger than me or have had less practice in art than me, and it makes me feel terrible about myself. I will never be as good as anyone else.

for years ive tried to make my art style appealing, to get opportunities, pretty much anything of note, and I’ve gotten basically nothing compared to my friends and people I watch. I have to sit and watch these people joyfully talk about getting so many watchers in so little time. having so many inspirations watch them. have so many commissioners and so much profit. have people adore their characters no matter what they are.

its not even just in art that this affects me. just in general, like with friendships, I get almost nothing while others get so much. the person I called my best friend just fell off the face of the earth two weeks ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. another friend or frequently talked to me has other friends they’re drifting towards more now. another friend I had to cut ties with because they willingly stayed in a manipulative/toxic relationship and I can’t handle that. any other friends just never talk to me. can’t ever be bothered to just send a “hey how are you doing?” or anything.

all these factors tell me one thing: I’m nothing. I will never amount to anything, I will never be talented at anything, I have no talent, I’m unlikable, unlovable, and worthless. and I don’t doubt it for a second. I’ve never really had a single good thing come into my life other than people defending and befriending me for awhile, and then up and leaving. some outright pretended to be my friend just for drama or their own personal gain.

people have tried telling me “oh but your art is good! excuse here, excuse there” but it doesn’t mean anything to me. if things were different, they would be. I’d see a change. but things have only gotten worse. nothing has changed for the better and it’s starting to take a serious toll on my mental health

with that being said, I think it would be best for me to take an indefinite hiatus. I will still check dA every now and then to make sure my page is ok, but that’s it. I have some art scheduled to upload, so there will still be some art every couple of days.

I doubt anyone will really care about this, but here it is for anyone who does.