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Description
I remember waiting, just sitting in my little chair with both hands pressed against the window. The perfect picture of an excited child eager for what was coming. I remember waiting and waiting for hours watching each car that passed by and praying with all my little heart that they would pull into the parking lot,but they never did. Sometimes I can still feel the horrible disappointment that seemed to consume my heart and drag it further and further down as I walked back to the car with tears in my eyes, wondering why mother never came. Little did either of us know that was our last chance to see one another.
Sometimes life takes us down a path we never thought we would have to go down. Just when we think things can't get any worse then they already are, but something I've learned is that it can always get worse…only I learned it the hard way.

It was March 20, 2003. I remember it perfectly, as if it were permanently burned into my memory, doomed to haunt me forever. I was 9 years old and in 3rd grade. I remember the weather was cloudy and looked as if the sky were going to start crying. Our class was in classroom rotations so I wasn't in my homeroom; I was next door studying the different Native American Tribes. Suddenly the phone rang and the teacher went to answer it. I don't remember exactly what she said to me, but I was to go to the office because I was leaving early. Being 9 years old I starting going through all the different reasons I would be leaving school early…and at the top of my list was Disneyland. I ran up to that office with the biggest smile plastered on my face, but that all changed as soon as I saw the look my Uncle wore. I knew something horrible had happened. A thousand possibilities ran through my head and I decided to go with the least likely one.
"Did Art get sent to the war in Iraq and get shot? 'Cause that wouldn't be so sad…in fact it would kind of be cool." I saw the horrified look the school secretary gave me…but who was she to judge me? She had no idea the hell my stepfather had put me through. I could still feel the sting of the belt hitting my flesh…and the ache in the back of my head from him dragging me up the stairs by my hair. I looked up at her defiantly before turning back to my uncle, as he quietly replied "no," and led us out to the car.
We all loaded in and started to drive away, but what we didn't know was that we weren't just driving away from school, but from any normalcy we had managed to create in our lives, and we may have been leaving it forever. I was the one to break the silence.
"Uncle Mike, what's going on?" I asked desperately frightened by the tension that filled the car.
"You'll see when you get home," he replied.
"You're scaring me," I whimpered desperate for him to reassure me there was no reason to be scared, that everything was going to be OK, but he never did. I could feel the tears as they gathered in my eyes and split onto my cheeks. I looked over at my brother to see him crying as well, I met his eyes and saw he was just as frightened as I.
As soon as we arrived at home my brother and I jumped out of the car and flew into the house, but the moment we walked through the door we froze, everyone was waiting for us. They were all lined up in the living room, just standing there looking like zombies. My brother and I silently made our way to the couch that seeming like the best idea and sat down. We both looked up at my aunt expectantly (that being who we were living with at the time.) she looked around at everyone before reluctantly meeting our eyes. She opened her mouth, but seemed to hesitate. She took a deep breath looked into our eyes and started again…and in so many ways I wish she hadn't. I wish she had kept it all to herself…because the next 5 words out of her mouth would be the ones that sent me spiraling into a world I never wanted to enter.

"Your mom died last night," she said quietly.

You know that feeling you get when something really funny happens, and your supposed to be quiet but you cant contain your laughter and it kind of just bursts out of your mouth without your permission…well that's exactly what happened to me.
As soon as my aunt spoke those 5 life crushing words I could feel something gather in my throat, but I fought to contain it. I looked over at my brother and it just flew up my throat and burst through my lips filling the room with a laugh that was on the edge of hysteria.
To this day I still cannot say for sure what it was that caused me to laugh like that…and never since have I been able to produce a sound quite like that one.
The Hysterical laughter only lasted a couple of seconds before it was drowned out by a horrible choking noise that seemed to be coming from somewhere inside me, though I'm not quite sure where inside me, maybe my heart…cause that's what seemed to hurt the most. Well, at least at first, because after a while I couldn't feel anything in my heart anymore.
The next thing I remember is going on the computer and looking up the names of people who has passed on that day, I'm not sure why. Maybe it was a sort of closure for me. I never did find that name, maybe that's why it still hurts so much, I never found my closure.

The next couple of days are all a blur. Everything just mixed together leaving a layer of confusion. I do remember the day of my mothers funeral, it was sharing day at school. I remember standing in front of the class talking about how I was going to her funeral. I don't think the kids knew exactly what to think of the situation, 'cause they all just sat their quietly…quieter then I'd ever heard them before.
I remember walking home from school and putting on the new black dress my aunt had bought me. I don't remember getting into the car and driving to church, I just remember walking in and being bombarded with people. All of their faces kind of blurred together, and their voices became a buzz.
There were to be two funerals for my mother, one at our church for the people who were scared of my Stepfather and weren't comfortable being around him. To tell the truth it was oddly comforting to see I wasn't the only person scared of the monster he was. The other funeral was the "real" funeral, and that's where I would see my mother for the last time.
The next thing I remember is being in the car again watching the rain drown the world thinking about how much this whole situation reminded me of a movie. A lonely girl and her brother both victims of an abusive father make their way to see the funeral of their drug addict mother as the rain falls reminding them of the gloom that would now be a permanent resident in their lives.
It does sound like a movie doesn't it? That's probably why I was beginning to hope that my eyes would open soon and I would awaken from this all to vivid nightmare.
I finally arrived at the "real" funeral. I walked inside and spotter my stepfather, who was just sitting there laughing and cheerfully talking to a buddy who he had brought along. I walked up to the casket and that held my mother and looked down at her. I felt my heart drop, but no tears would come. I slowly reached my hand out and gently placed it on hers, but still the tears wouldn't come. Her hand was cold as ice, and the softness was gone. I wanted so badly to cry, to just break down. But I was numb. There was nothing I could do, no amount of tears could bring her back to me…so what was the point in crying?
I don't know how long I stood there like that. It was as if nothing else mattered. It was just me and what was left of my mother.
I don't remember much of anything after that, just flickers of things that happened. I know my grades dropped, I remember my 3rd grade teacher came up to me and started yelling at me about how she had given me time to grieve over my mother and now it was time for me to get back on track…I cried. I remember thinking that this wasn't something that you just get over…she was my mother…and I loved her.

Description
I remember waiting, just sitting in my little chair with both hands pressed against the window. The perfect picture of an excited child eager for what was coming. I remember waiting and waiting for hours watching each car that passed by and praying with all my little heart that they would pull into the parking lot,but they never did. Sometimes I can still feel the horrible disappointment that seemed to consume my heart and drag it further and further down as I walked back to the car with tears in my eyes, wondering why mother never came. Little did either of us know that was our last chance to see one another.
Sometimes life takes us down a path we never thought we would have to go down. Just when we think things can't get any worse then they already are, but something I've learned is that it can always get worse…only I learned it the hard way.

It was March 20, 2003. I remember it perfectly, as if it were permanently burned into my memory, doomed to haunt me forever. I was 9 years old and in 3rd grade. I remember the weather was cloudy and looked as if the sky were going to start crying. Our class was in classroom rotations so I wasn't in my homeroom; I was next door studying the different Native American Tribes. Suddenly the phone rang and the teacher went to answer it. I don't remember exactly what she said to me, but I was to go to the office because I was leaving early. Being 9 years old I starting going through all the different reasons I would be leaving school early…and at the top of my list was Disneyland. I ran up to that office with the biggest smile plastered on my face, but that all changed as soon as I saw the look my Uncle wore. I knew something horrible had happened. A thousand possibilities ran through my head and I decided to go with the least likely one.
"Did Art get sent to the war in Iraq and get shot? 'Cause that wouldn't be so sad…in fact it would kind of be cool." I saw the horrified look the school secretary gave me…but who was she to judge me? She had no idea the hell my stepfather had put me through. I could still feel the sting of the belt hitting my flesh…and the ache in the back of my head from him dragging me up the stairs by my hair. I looked up at her defiantly before turning back to my uncle, as he quietly replied "no," and led us out to the car.
We all loaded in and started to drive away, but what we didn't know was that we weren't just driving away from school, but from any normalcy we had managed to create in our lives, and we may have been leaving it forever. I was the one to break the silence.
"Uncle Mike, what's going on?" I asked desperately frightened by the tension that filled the car.
"You'll see when you get home," he replied.
"You're scaring me," I whimpered desperate for him to reassure me there was no reason to be scared, that everything was going to be OK, but he never did. I could feel the tears as they gathered in my eyes and split onto my cheeks. I looked over at my brother to see him crying as well, I met his eyes and saw he was just as frightened as I.
As soon as we arrived at home my brother and I jumped out of the car and flew into the house, but the moment we walked through the door we froze, everyone was waiting for us. They were all lined up in the living room, just standing there looking like zombies. My brother and I silently made our way to the couch that seeming like the best idea and sat down. We both looked up at my aunt expectantly (that being who we were living with at the time.) she looked around at everyone before reluctantly meeting our eyes. She opened her mouth, but seemed to hesitate. She took a deep breath looked into our eyes and started again…and in so many ways I wish she hadn't. I wish she had kept it all to herself…because the next 5 words out of her mouth would be the ones that sent me spiraling into a world I never wanted to enter.

"Your mom died last night," she said quietly.

You know that feeling you get when something really funny happens, and your supposed to be quiet but you cant contain your laughter and it kind of just bursts out of your mouth without your permission…well that's exactly what happened to me.
As soon as my aunt spoke those 5 life crushing words I could feel something gather in my throat, but I fought to contain it. I looked over at my brother and it just flew up my throat and burst through my lips filling the room with a laugh that was on the edge of hysteria.
To this day I still cannot say for sure what it was that caused me to laugh like that…and never since have I been able to produce a sound quite like that one.
The Hysterical laughter only lasted a couple of seconds before it was drowned out by a horrible choking noise that seemed to be coming from somewhere inside me, though I'm not quite sure where inside me, maybe my heart…cause that's what seemed to hurt the most. Well, at least at first, because after a while I couldn't feel anything in my heart anymore.
The next thing I remember is going on the computer and looking up the names of people who has passed on that day, I'm not sure why. Maybe it was a sort of closure for me. I never did find that name, maybe that's why it still hurts so much, I never found my closure.

The next couple of days are all a blur. Everything just mixed together leaving a layer of confusion. I do remember the day of my mothers funeral, it was sharing day at school. I remember standing in front of the class talking about how I was going to her funeral. I don't think the kids knew exactly what to think of the situation, 'cause they all just sat their quietly…quieter then I'd ever heard them before.
I remember walking home from school and putting on the new black dress my aunt had bought me. I don't remember getting into the car and driving to church, I just remember walking in and being bombarded with people. All of their faces kind of blurred together, and their voices became a buzz.
There were to be two funerals for my mother, one at our church for the people who were scared of my Stepfather and weren't comfortable being around him. To tell the truth it was oddly comforting to see I wasn't the only person scared of the monster he was. The other funeral was the "real" funeral, and that's where I would see my mother for the last time.
The next thing I remember is being in the car again watching the rain drown the world thinking about how much this whole situation reminded me of a movie. A lonely girl and her brother both victims of an abusive father make their way to see the funeral of their drug addict mother as the rain falls reminding them of the gloom that would now be a permanent resident in their lives.
It does sound like a movie doesn't it? That's probably why I was beginning to hope that my eyes would open soon and I would awaken from this all to vivid nightmare.
I finally arrived at the "real" funeral. I walked inside and spotter my stepfather, who was just sitting there laughing and cheerfully talking to a buddy who he had brought along. I walked up to the casket and that held my mother and looked down at her. I felt my heart drop, but no tears would come. I slowly reached my hand out and gently placed it on hers, but still the tears wouldn't come. Her hand was cold as ice, and the softness was gone. I wanted so badly to cry, to just break down. But I was numb. There was nothing I could do, no amount of tears could bring her back to me…so what was the point in crying?
I don't know how long I stood there like that. It was as if nothing else mattered. It was just me and what was left of my mother.
I don't remember much of anything after that, just flickers of things that happened. I know my grades dropped, I remember my 3rd grade teacher came up to me and started yelling at me about how she had given me time to grieve over my mother and now it was time for me to get back on track…I cried. I remember thinking that this wasn't something that you just get over…she was my mother…and I loved her.