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Dripsofmoonlight — The Cardinal and the Raven
Published: 2006-01-31 01:29:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 52; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description
A cardinal bird and a ravenThey met in the deepest of snow
And although they had not much in common
There was something the raven had wanted to know
What do you like about me?
Cawed the raven
What is there to like?
I have not a single pretty feather
People hate me and kill me for spite
Although you're not pretty on the outside
I'm envious of your mind, I admit
You outsmart any bird that I've seen
You're bright, you're charming, you're quick
But my life's not that great either
Yes it is, said the raven, yes it is
They feed you, they love to see you
In the summer, it's you that they miss
But my looks are all that they like about me
They never admire my song
Though it is my favorite thing to do
I love to sing all day long
So then the two birds separated
Not knowing more than before
If anything changed in their meeting
They envy eachother even more
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Comments: 2
Apart from the technical part which the person above me pointed out (which I wouldn't have noticed - maybe because I don't care much about technicalities) it's good - summery, and ravens were always my favourite bird.
Good job.
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Here's something completely technical to look into. Try experimenting with your line breaks. If you just scan down the page, for instance, you get: A, They, And, There, What, etc. etc. Considering that the line is a unit of poetry, and the first word is how you begin the unit ... why begin them all so?
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