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Published: 2010-07-01 21:35:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 794; Favourites: 13; Downloads: 15
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Description
The figure let the hoard of thoughts blur the loathsome sensation of dust wedged beneath his fingernails. He had had a spade, he was certain, long time ago but it had been eroded into specks among the vast expanses of the desert. He was now ploughing the dust with his bare petrified hands frustrating himself with the distant chimera of finding something long lost and forgotten but treasured deeply. Time had slowly frayed the edges of this recollection leaving only traces of infatuation which pricked him like thorns at night and clogged the smooth whirlpool of his dreams.Around him levitated pale and sheer walls, rising straight out of the dust. Their scowling expressions could be captured with only the corner of the eye and would vanish at the first attempt of direct contact. Their eyes whipped yataghans in the shivering heat. Their silhouettes heaved in the blistering light like dead-ends in an exit-less labyrinth. The figure bit the dust from under his nails and went on clawing the sifted earth.
That earth, surrounding his entire being, lingering to his sloughing skin, snowing on his hair, ironing out the wrinkles of his clothes beneath a fine crust, this earth had the foulest smell of all deadly reeks. He envisaged it as a furnace like the one into which his father rammed his mother's head alongside the muffins. The rich odour of roasting human meat had taken root in the dusty floors of his memory forcing the floorboards into a perpetual shriek.
Some specks slid into his shoes and nibbled at his naked heels. Their filed tongues had eaten into his socks a long time before and now he had to bend his will into unusual shapes to ignore the scorching pain to which his ankles were exposed.
For a second something crimson flashed before his eyes, the nuance of triumph. For a split-second the thorns blunted, the pain abated swiftly like a tidal wave leaving smooth peace behind but then the sun whipped its mane of fire-feathers and all he saw was dust. This⦠thing, this nightmare, this gorgon, whose appearance he was sure would be the end of him, lurked undisturbed waiting for him to unearth and relish under a thin film of soil which the sirocco lovingly licked away. And somewhere in the dim corners of his mind, the figure recalled through the thick mist only dreams leave behind that he was the one who dragged the luscious flesh of the treasure outside and buried it one chilly night when the desert was cloaked in a downpour. Now he starved to have it back and the dust kept on wedging beneath his fingernails and then mockingly drifted back to its previous place.
The sky, smoothed by the mouthful of dust covering its ticklish skin, was leaking over the horizon and fingering the heated face of the desert. A face stretched into one broad gloating smile.
Suddenly a hard-edged shadow split the homogeneous tangle of earth and sky and perched on the edge of the figure's nose.
"Do you have a cigarette, mate?" a hoarse voice boomed over him.
The figure looked up in disgust shaking his head to repel the hideous apparition. The voice clenched its fists and treaded away to a nearby mirage where it coupled with a second less deep shadow. A column of grey smoke drilled the faded silence of the dust.
"This pal's more suited for the loony bin," a second voice rasped through the smoke. "What's he doing time for?"
"I heard he butchered his wife. Buried her in the backward, poor lad. Must have been one helluva bitch!" The second voice barked in laughter.
"One rarely goes out of habit, huh?" The first one nodded towards the figure which was still clawing fanatically into the dust.
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Comments: 6
Ekuboryu [2010-09-10 06:03:01 +0000 UTC]
Critique for the Project Comment contest. I am taking off my kid gloves here, so please do not be hurt. I'm not trying to insult you, but if I don't offer critisism then you won't be able to improve it for the next draft.
First off, let me say, it was a cool little bit of flash fiction!
I like the contrast between the begining of the story and the end a lot. It comes as a surprise. It's a very clever twist! The contrast between the point of view character and the men talking to and about him is very striking!
There are a lot of strong sensory details in this and a lot of "ten dollar words" that are well placed.
There are also a few "ten dollar words" that I think might not be helping along your story. I know that they are there to help along the mood, and they help with that but less of them might improve flow. You have a lot of long sentances, and that is not a bad thing always, but when you line them up in a row it makes things hard for a reader sometimes.
People on DA have some pretty short attention spans (This comment for instance is way longer than most people on the site would bother reading.) Some readers could lose the thread of your story or not understand your great sensory details, or even quit before they reach your great twist.
Good luck revamping! I am looking forward to seeing what great thing you make from this begining.
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silent-and-invalid [2010-07-05 00:53:23 +0000 UTC]
I.Miss.This. Love! A couple little teeny rought spots, but over all, glorious as always
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drop-asd In reply to silent-and-invalid [2010-07-07 15:16:34 +0000 UTC]
You are soooo exaggerating! I wrote this after midnight in the frames of an hour so it's VERY rough but I'm really glad you like it
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silent-and-invalid In reply to drop-asd [2010-07-07 18:13:51 +0000 UTC]
No, I really like it!!! You are genious after Midnight, obviously!!
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saturninesweetness [2010-07-02 12:08:13 +0000 UTC]
Ahh, how I have missed reading your prose.
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drop-asd In reply to saturninesweetness [2010-07-07 15:27:34 +0000 UTC]
I'd always be astonished how people can miss this trash! Thank you!
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