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DylanSeto — Unfinished Script
#tv #dave #screenplay #script #tvshow #unedited #unfinished #show
Published: 2016-10-22 22:24:03 +0000 UTC; Views: 2116; Favourites: 14; Downloads: 0
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Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
The room is filthy, there's empty bottles and wrappers
scattered on the floor.
The walls are plastered with pin-up posters.
DAVE is curled in between blankets.
DAVE (V.O.)
This the part of the story where I'm
suppose to say something to make you
care enough about me so that you'll
watch the rest of my stupid TV show.
Dave crawls out of bed, and falls over.
He's dressed in an all white t-shirt and short-shorts.
INT. WASHROOM - DAY
He takes off his shirt and has a look at his black eye in the
mirror.
He spreads it, which makes him flinch in pain.
DAVE (V.O.)
But honestly, I can't think of
anything good. Voice over is the
epitome of lazy writing so I've
already fucked up.
He sighs.
DAVE
Fuck.
EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY
The city whistles with life. Cars are honk at each other
profusely while PEOPLE rush past on foot.
Dave walks on the sidewalk with his hands tucked inside his
pockets, he's noticeably slower than those around him.
DAVE (V.O.)
Half of you have probably already
tuned out because you saw how much of
an asshole I was in the opening. I'm
not always like that, I think. But
don't my word for it, I'll show you.
A car slams its breaks in-front of Dave as he attempts to
cross the street.
DAVE
Hey! I'm walking here! When you're
making left, you've got check to see
if anyone is crossing. Are you fucking
blind? I'm walking here!
The driver looks at him with a blank face.
DAVE (cont'd)
Whatever. Go. Go.
He taps the hood of the car and waves his hands to signal the
driver. He continues walking down the street.
DAVE (V.O.)
See? I didn't rip that guy's throat
out.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER
It's a busy hour, there's PEOPLE going in and out of the shop
constantly.
SHARELLE (slim, 20s) sits alone near the entrance.
She takes a sip out of a red mug.
Dave pushes his way into the shop. Sharelle looks up in his
direction.
SHARELLE
You're la --
(looks up)
What happened to your eye?
Dave puts his hand over it.
DAVE
Fight yesterday. No big deal.
SHARELLE
Again? Really?
DAVE
Hey! It was the interviewer who
started it this time. He swung at me
first.
SHARELLE
I'm sure. It's always them, isn't it?
Classic you.
She takes a sip of coffee.
SHARELLE (cont'd)
Alright,you know what? Whatever. Do
you want anything? Espresso?
Cappuccino?
She hands him a menu.
DAVE
What do you want, Sharelle? Let's not
make this anymore awkward than it has
to be. Cut the bullshit.
Dave looks away to the side.
Sharelle slowly puts down the menu.
SHARELLE
I was just trying to be friendly.
DAVE
A year late for that, don't you think?
How's...Dako...Danie --
SHARELLE
(softly)
Darrel.
DAVE
Darrel. That guy. Was that dick worth
it?
SHARELLE
Do you get a kick out of being
miserable for so long?
DAVE
Why aren't you answering my question?
Is it because I was right this whole
time?
Dave gets in closer.
DAVE (cont'd)
You left me for that Harvard
graduating jackass 'cause I'm a fat
alcoholic piece of shit that has
nothing better to do with his life
than to write shitty sitcoms for
shitty people so they can feel better
about their shitty lives. That's it,
isn't it?
Sharelle slams a a pack papers on the table.
The entire cafe looks in their direction.
SHARELLE
Just sign this and send them back to
me.
She gets up from the table.
SHARELLE (cont'd)
By the way, Dave, I didn't leave you
because you were a alcoholic nor
overweight. I left because you were an
asshole.
She looks into Dave's eyes intensely.
SHARELLE (cont'd)
Do something nice for once, okay?
She gives a fake smile before taking off.
PEOPLE are all staring Dave's direction.
DAVE
What are you guys looking at?
They immediately turn away.
Dave has a look at the papers.
DAVE (cont'd)
Well, this sucks.
He rolls them up.
Dave looks backwards.
DAVE (cont'd)
Bill!
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Comments: 21
I feel this is a good start to something funny. I would to read more when or if you get the chance to finish it. Until then I can't give a full honest review but I can say you have my attention and that's a really good start. Formatting is good. There are a few minor spelling and grammar errors but that's ok. They can be easily fixed.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
This became something entirely different.
I have the current version currently stashed away, I have other things I want to finish before I come back to it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
If you want some advice, I loved the idea of the visuals giving more to the story than the narrator, along with the fact the main character seemed unreliable. There are some spelling and grammar mistakes, but that isn't what bothered me. It felt rushed--I feel if you had kept it to one scene and fleshed it, the piece would have been stronger. Another thing that I had an issue with, was the fact he didn't read like an asshole, and you hadn't built up the characters in a way I could feel anything for them when the fight happened. I'd elongate the piece, or better, since I feel this is what you're going for, I'd make it funny. Add some snarky jabs, make the new boyfriend ridiculous--let people sympathize with the narrator! You can keep his low self confidence or even DO make him an asshole...but make him an asshole sort of like Earl from My Name is Earl...if you know that show, I think it may be of some use to you!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
It sounds rushed because it was rushed
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ah I see 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
As I explained in the description, I have no intention of using this scene anymore, which is why it made it's way online. Haha.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
That's fair, I still think you could get some great ideas editing old work. I do a similar thing when it comes to posting things online.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Oh yeah, definitely. There's stuff I've revisited years later.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i like his side comments to the audience.
pretty entertaining stuff.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Voice over is epitome of lazy writing
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
ok, that held my attention. i think that makes it good.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
It's good if you enjoyed it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
idk. I just wanted to make something honest. I always thought of it like a dramedy.
Actually, the concept changed because I realized this would end up being too much like Bojack Horseman.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1