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EmoInk — Odd Jobber
Published: 2010-06-25 16:01:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 1372; Favourites: 13; Downloads: 31
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Description
Not for the money,The passion.
i.
You're a back alley surgeon,
Your scrutiny exposing more of me
Than a surgical light will ever be able to
As you operate on textual tumours
Piercing through layers and layers of
Excess I never knew was harming me
And cleansing ink-blood of
Parasites feeding on inexperience.
The wit of your cuts
Sharper than machine brevity.
Who cares if there's no anaesthesia
To mask all the hurt?
ii.
You're an environmental extremist
With Grinch-green fingers
Complete with claws made to sink in
Christmas tree ornaments.
Only then, I'm ashamed to confess, did
Their tackiness become apparent.
You helped me see that
Forced sparkles cannot compare
To nature's Fibonacci sequences and
Firs, like all things that breathe, are
Beautiful the way they are.
iii.
You're a half-starved dragon,
Furnace in place of stomach.
The Inferno that burns, a
Broken hue of so
Many years worth of
Death Valley sunsets.
The number of years
It takes a cliché to cease
Being a cliché.
Its appetite insatiable, devouring
Paper hearts covered with young lovers' confessions
And sepia tone photographs of childhood memories
And tear-stained roses with violet-stained thorns.
Flames only recoiling
When serendipity throws in a
Dadaist sculpture,
The kind that
Will never be replicated.
I can only hope
Your heat will mould me into a
One-of-its-kind as well.
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Comments: 7
A delightful piece about wanting to be scrutinized, even criticised, to the point of complete adoration for change. Fabricated well with imagery and use of syntax throughout, although not entirely convinced by the italics or bolding, but that's your choice 
"The number of years
It takes a cliché to cease
Being a cliché." - Very impactful phrase, used to complete effectiveness in this context, love it!
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Excellent work! There's something so compelling about this piece, it sucks you in and won't let go. A+
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I found this entire poem to be excellent.
I've been told by many editors during my life to excise cliches and flamboyant phrases, and though I did as a journalist, I used flamboyancy to my total contentment when I wrote short fiction. It sold just fine. I agree with your message here: that writers (many artists of all kinds) are often 'certifiably' "crazy" but that only makes their art better.
1. The metaphors tell your message well. I found them to be spot-on.
2. The structure here doesn't seem disjointed to me. It progresses nicely.
3. I liked the list of oft-used cliches.
3a. It makes the dragon metaphor burn more brightly, and the end be a "Pow!"
Great job.
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I'm not sure why you used the italics and bold text. They don't seem to put emphasis on anything I wouldn't have already understood as being important to the piece. Do you have a different reason for using them?
Otherwise I really enjoyed this. The first section was definitely my favorite, and I think the most concrete of your metaphors. It gave us a great stepping stone from which to read the rest of the piece.
I'm not sure 'tackiness' is a great word in the second section. I understand what you're going for, and the impact is definitely there, but that word stuck out as too jarring in that part of the poem. Maybe something like 'was their crudeness revealed' or something along those lines. Tacky feels too...well, tacky. And you're going for trying to move away from the inexperience of young writers, yes? The second stanza in that section is gorgeous. I think I'd have changed up the line breaks (in most of the piece) so that your lines end with more complex words (sequences vs. and; breathe vs. are, etc) but that's mostly a personal preference. You can see this article: [link] for more information about end-stopping and enjambment.
The last three lines of the first stanza in the third section are a bit on the wordy side. The more I read it, the more I think it could work well as a question, one element used in excess by inexperienced writers (that would contribute to the subversive nature of the third section). Maybe something like "How many years/ till a cliche/ evolves from itself?" Anyway, something to think on there. It is alright the way it is, just doesn't have the punch the rest of your lines give.
Wow, this comment went way more indepth than I meant it to. I hope you don't mind. I did quite thoroughly enjoy the poem.
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Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) and has been selected as our Pick of the Day. It is featured in a news article here: [link] and on our main page.
Keep writing and keep creating.
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Wow.. I really love your metaphors!
They're powerful and well carried out. ^_^
I like the structure too.
I might make either the last stanza or the last two into a fourth section.. but that might just be a personal preference. (: I only said that because you asked in your comments. I like how you have the cliches in italics to seperate them. (:
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I love the metaphors -- they give me an image, as well as a message. I like the format, too. I honestly don't think it makes the poem disjointed, as you say, but contributes to the flow.
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