HOME | DD
EonEvolution — Dumb Rock
Published: 2011-08-02 07:04:27 +0000 UTC; Views: 585; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 4
Redirect to original
Description
Even though Celestia's sun was beating down on Ponyville, anypony could be fooled to believe it was nightfall. The Everfree forest canopy let little sun inside; it was a wonder how any plants could have ever grown so much. But that was simply the nature of the forest; nopony needed to care for it, it just managed to care for itself.Scootaloo walked cautiously through the dark forest. She'd been here once before with her two closest friends; it's a frightening experience, being stalked by a cockatrice, but when you have the most unnaturally brave pegasus on your side...well, needless to say, Scootaloo had a completely new respect for Fluttershy after that day.
Today was different; her friends weren't around to help and she couldn't find anypony, not Rainbow Dash or even Fluttershy, anywhere. So she decided to do what any crazy pony would do...and ventured in alone.
This was damned important!
Rowdy had gone missing!
Her pet rock had gone missing...
There's no way he could just sprout some legs and walk into the Everfree Forest.
And yet, that's where these tracks were leading her. They weren't really hoof-tracks, more like plots in the ground, like somepony pushed a rock into the dirt.
It was baffling.
It was impossible.
He was a rock!
How the hay did he just disappear over an afternoon? She'd just come back from crusading with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle and...well, he was gone. Rowdy was just...gone.
Somepony had to have taken him. And she was determined to find out who that pony was.
Dark...so dark in the Everfree Forest. It always was. But the little amount of light getting though the thick canopy was enough light to keep the tracks visible enough to find the tree they led to. It was like any other tree in the forsaken forest: bark too dark to absorb light, leaves stretching to the skies blocking out the sun.
And there she was, the pony who was obviously guilty of the crime. The culprit pony stared back with bright red eyes emanating against the shadowy background.
"'Bout time you showed up, pipsqueak?"
Blue pegasus, rainbow mane, 'pipsqueak'? It was painfully obvious...
How could she do this? This was the coolest pony in Ponyville...in Equestria! She couldn't steal from anypony!
That's it! She's just stole it back from the ponies that stole it from me! That's what she did!
"So," the blue pegasus continued, "you gonna come up here and get your little pet rock back?"
Scootaloo looked up skeptically, "And just how the hay am I supposed to do that?"
"How else, blockhead? Fly!"
Scootaloo scoffed, "You know I can't fly very well." It's true; while she'd managed to get up in the air a few times, she had poor control. She mostly used her young wings to propel her and her self-made scooter around Ponyville.
"Well you ain't gonna get your rock unless you do."
Scootaloo was worried; Rainbow Dash may have been the coolest pony around, but she was also the most stubborn. Scootaloo knew that there really was only one way she was going to get Rowdy back.
Like a motor starting, her little wings started up, lifting her off the ground a full three feet. She hovered for a moment, struggling to keep her balance in the air.
"Well that's a good start." Rainbow Dash commented from above.
She struggled to move her wings faster and faster; her strength was draining, but she didn't feel like she was going anywhere. She was just hovering in place, just inches off the ground. Her eyes clenched shut, she was completely blind of the living forest around her; all she could concentrate on was trying to get up to the branches above.
"C'mon pipsqueak!" Rainbow Dash cheered on, "You got this."
She could feel sweat moving down her neck, her wings felt like they were going to explode.
"Now, a little to the right..." Rainbow Dash said. Scootaloo's eyes were clenched tight; she didn't know what Rainbow Dash was talking about, but her undisputed trust for the pony forced her to listen, and so she shifted to the right. Her wings were still cutting the air furiously with what little energy she had left.
Then she heard Rainbow Dash giggle, "Alright, you can stop now."
It was a complete surprise when Scootaloo finally cracked opened her eyes and saw those bright red eyes staring back.
She looked down and landed safely on the tree branch below; now she was struggling to keep her balance on the wood to avoid falling the ten feet to the ground below.
"Not bad, pipsqueak." Rainbow Dash pinched the rock with her hooves, carefully putting the stone on the filly's back. "Well, I guess you earned this guy back." She then gracefully leaped down, floating to the ground without a sound. She stared back up at the filly now stuck in the tree, "Now you gotta get back down here."
Scootaloo looked down nervously. She never imagined she'd even get up in the tree, much less down. But there was no other choice; Rainbow Dash was stubborn enough to refuse helping, and by now, she'd caught on to what her idol was doing. It was a great first lesson.
With little more hesitation, Scootaloo trotted off the branch, wings flapping furiously once again to slow her decent. She managed to keep her eyes open this time, but forgot the cardinal rule of 'don't look down.' Her nerves racked with thoughts of crashing in the dirt and grass below, and so she wavered in the air, causing Rowdy to fall from her back and land in the grass with a thud. A few heart-pounding seconds of frantic flapping and she stabilized once again, inching closer and closer to the ground.
This was the tricky part; she gradually slowed down her wing movements to gain better control and gently put all four hooves on the ground. She panted for a moment, content that she was standing on solid earth once again.
Rainbow Dash grunted, "Not bad for a first lesson, huh?"
Scootaloo panted, "But you didn't teach me anything!"
She waved a hoof, "It's indirect teaching; learning by doing, it's the best way to learn."
Scootaloo scoffed; while she may not have approved of Rainbow Dash's method of stealing her pet rock, she did, after all, have her first successful flight in order to retrieve him. And she couldn't argue with the results. She silently picked up Rowdy and placed her gently on him back, taking care to make sure the rock was settled in enough it wouldn't fall again. "Well, thanks for the lesson...I guess." A cool wind blew through the trees, sending a shiver up her spine and reminding her of her surrounding. "But next time, can you pick a better place than the Everfree Forest?"
Rainbow Dash patted the young filly's head, chuckled lightly and began leading the young pony out of the forest.
"No promises, pipsqueak."
Related content
Comments: 11
Enjoyable little piece of work you got there. I've read so many of the longer fics recently, that I've really started to appreciate the shorter ones much more!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks a lot!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I love that Scoots is a pegasus, that will eventually live up in a cloud house, and she has a rock as a pet.
Years later Scootaloo must bid a tearful farewell to her first pet when she gets a job in Cloudsdale.
Also, near the end you called Rowdy a she, when he had been referred to as masculine for the rest of the story. I know it's a rock, but I think this would fall under consistency ... I think.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I thought it a bit unusual, too, which made all the more funny. And thanks for spotting that error; it's been fixed.
And thanks for reading and commenting.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Ahh, more Scootalove. Nothing wrong with that. If anything, the potential mentor/student relationship between these two isn't explored enough.
I always thought Dash treats Scootaloo poorly sometimes because she's trying to get Scoots to push herself. We saw in Cutie Mark Chronicles that Rainbow is actually great with kids and doesn't mind being there for Applebloom. I'm guessing that she sometimes ignores Scoots because she sees a lot of potential and wants the filly to realize it on her own.
If I were you I would try and write a little less clinically. Like, instead of "content that she was standing on solid earth once again." You could go for something like "she felt like throwing herself to the ground and kissing the earth, thankfully she managed to put on a cool face in front of her idol."
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I was trying to get a bit of that feeling in the story, like maybe Dash's methods of teaching aren't the best, but they get her to believe in herself enough to try.
I agree with the writing; even as I was reviewing, I thought a few parts were a bit bland, but couldn't think of many ways to spice it up.
Thanks for the feedback!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Solid piece.
Could have used a false start. To show the struggle and effort. And maybe a ransom letter.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
An amusing little piece. I particularly liked the concept of the pet rock.
As for criticism, the only major thing I noticed was pronoun usage and name usage. You used the words 'Rainbow Dash' and 'Scootaloo' a lot. That's to be expected, but it's still less than ideal. Using the same words over and over tends to make the writing seem a bit bland. I don't know a better way to describe it, but it's something that you recognize when you read it. You can replace occasional instances of names with descriptors to give your writing some variety. Things like substituting 'the orange filly' or 'the younger pegasus' for 'Scootaloo' in a few places can make more difference than you'd expect.
Other than that, there's just some odd phrasing occasionally. Nothing major. Presentation inevitably gets better with practice, as long as you come back to your old works a few weeks after you write them and read them again. You'll notice all sorts of stuff about them that seems off. Since we're using digital media, it's good to check back every once in awhile and make an editing pass; you'll learn from the mistakes you've made, and realize that you're still making some of them.
This is definitely good as is, though there's always room for improvement and learning. I'm looking forward to what you write next week.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I completely understand what you're saying about pronouns here; I was thinking the same thing during review. I used the names so much since both main characters are female; I was afraid readers wouldn't know which I was referring to if I used 'she'. And that's where your advice comes in!
Thanks a lot for the feedback!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yes, the more similar the two characters are, the more of a headache it is to find things to refer to them as. You can't say 'the pegasus' here because they're both pegasi. Still, there are ways to add variety. If you establish Rainbow Dash as the 'she' in a paragraph (Usually by naming her first and then by making all pronouns refer to her) then Scootaloo can become 'the other pony' (She smiled at the other pony), 'her student' (Her student greeted her with a wave of a hoof), 'her fan', or any number of other relational nouns.
My first week's fic was primarily a conversation between Celestia and Luna. Both mares, both alicorns. It was very annoying, and I used their names more than I prefer, but I did my best. If you want to look it over for examples of alternate ways of referring to characters (that aren't as simple as 'the unicorn' and 'the mare', like I'm usually able to fall back on for a good chunk of the character references in any given fic), it's here: [link]
Glad I could help in any way that I can.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0