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EonEvolution — What a Rush
Published: 2011-09-14 09:23:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 462; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 30
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Fillydelphia; it's where I grew up. It's my home.I have so many memories in that city. Some good, some bad. Most good, actually.
I remember going to school there as a filly. It wasn't a big city; pretty small actually. Well, compared to real big cities like Manehattan. But when compared to towns...we were still bigger than, say, Ponyville. Or even Canterlot. I always thought Fillydelphia was somewhere in between a city and a town.
Anyway, there was only one elementary school in Fillydelphia. Just the one. And it was there I met two of the most important ponies I'd ever meet.
Me and my friends shared the same classes for all our school years. I had two very close friends when I was a filly. First, there was Solar Flare. She lived next door to me for...well, ever. She was a pegasus; her coat was a striking golden yellow, as bright as the sunrise. And her mane, it looked like fire burning from her neck to her flank. And her eyes, they were orange, almost rusty. And she looked her attitude, too; she was fiery. She was energetic. She wanted to be everywhere at once, to do everything at once. She even started flying when she was only five; most pegasus don't start flying until they're at least seven, but her determination got her airborne early. Makes sense when you think about where she is now; I grew up with a Wonderbolt. Everypony knows her as Spitfire, but she'll always be Solar Flare to me.
The Wonderbolts. Solar got a bit lucky on that one. She just kind of...found her way there. She wasn't like some ponies who always dreamed of being on the stunt team, the center of attention; Solar...she actually only tried out on a dare...from me, actually. I knew her; she loved flying. She loved the wind in her mane, whether it was showing off to me or just cruising through the skies. She loved flying; she loved the rush. So she easily powered through the try-out, didn't falter once; a perfect performance. She's the team captain now; I watch her perform every time the Summer Sun Celebration comes around. And when I watch her fly, I can see the look behind those goggles; I don't think she'd be happy anywhere else.
Then there was Ditzy Doo. She was a pegasus too, moved in from Cloudsdale when she was five; a slate gray coat accented by her blonde mane and tail. And I was always jealous of those golden eyes. She was one year older than me and Solar. That didn't stop all the other fillies and colts from picking on her. Even from the start, she was a bit of a basket-case. She wasn't stupid or anything; she's actually very brilliant, she's just a little...out there. And I guess that's part of the reason they all picked on her; they couldn't understand what made her unique. That and I guess it was partly because she had amblyopia, lazy-eye, causing her eyes to look in two separate directions. Ponies often called her "Derpy", thinking her condition instantly made her a moron. But it never bothered her, at least she never showed it if it did.
Still, Ditzy was a nervous pony. When we were all in school, all she wanted to do was fly, but she couldn't seem to get it right, she couldn't get into the air. She felt like she was being left behind in her classes. She was always so jealous of Solar that she managed to get in the air at such a young age.
And me, being a unicorn, I was learning all about magic. I wanted to do something great and powerful with my magic. Learn to control it, become a master with it and put it to good use; to help ponies. So, naturally, one day I offered to help her.
We agreed to met in the park outside of school; me, Solar and Ditzy. We were going to help Ditzy learn how to fly. Solar was going to coach her on some flight tips; how to pick up, stay in the air, bank, all those kinds of things. I was going to hold her up with my levitation spells; just a few feet in the air while she practiced the motions of flight.
Everything was going great; she managed to get the patterns down quickly, and soon she was able to hold himself a few feet in the air, zipping around like a little pony hovercraft; she was so happy. And with a bit more time and effort, she got herself a good distance into the air, high enough to see over the trees.
Then the updraft took her by surprise. She lost her balance and couldn't level out, couldn't get her wings to keep her in the air. So she started falling to the ground.
And I tried...I tried everything I could to magically grab her. But I was afraid; she was my best friend and she was falling to the ground. I panicked and I couldn't concentrate; I'm absolutely terrible under pressure. I couldn't help her...
I couldn't watch when she hit the ground. The seconds passed like hours as I held my eyes shut tight, waiting for the unbearable thud...but it never came.
Thank Celestia it never came!
I opened my eyes and saw her panting heavily, slung over Solar's back; turns out she'd sprung into action and caught her. Ditzy's eyes were wide; she could hardly believe it herself. Solar saved her life that day.
And a little white flash drew my eye to Solar's flank where her cutie mark had just appeared; a lightning bolt that had caught fire.
Solar fluttered to the ground next to me, collapsing to the ground in exhaustion. Ditzy slid off her back and collapsed on the grass next to us. And together, the three of us let out a relieved sigh.
And I'll never forget the first thing Solar said as I lay there staring at the clouds...
"What a rush!"
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Comments: 5
Yeah! I carefully picked my characters! They weren't just a random selection of ponies because I suck at making original characters.
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My guess is that somepony's opinion of the typical resident of Ponyville might be harsher than it ought to be after witnessing a brash loudmouth of a pegasus pony with a robin's egg blue coat and polychromatic mane's thoughtless remarks about said unicorn's friend. Simply put, the Trixie we see here was in the Mane Six's face in Boast Busters for the crappy way they treat a friend of hers with the soul-destroying career of "town laughingst"---I mean "letter carrier".
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"Fillydelphia; it's where I grew up."
Semicolons are used to replace periods to link to ideas, so it's used incorrectly here. A colon would work instead. There are several other places where you misuse semicolons so I'd recommend taking a look at [link]
It's a good giggle, and I found it immensely useful when getting to grips with it!
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"Me and my friends shared the same classes"
When you refer to yourself and a group, make sure that (1) the sentence makes sense if you remove the group, and (2) always lead with the group first. "Me shared the same classes" is wrong, while "I shared the same classes (as ____)" works, so the sentence should read: "My friends and I shared the same classes"
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Short sentences tend to draw a reader out of the story as it always seems to stop. And start. Suddenly. Jerkily.
Link ideas with conjunction such as "and" or "but" and try to tie sentences together to get them to flow a little smoother. Here's an example way of rewriting the opening of the fifth paragraph for comparison:
My friends and I shared the same classes for all of our school years, and two in particular were very close when I was a filly. First there was Solar Flare, who lived next door to me for, well, ever. She was a pegasus with a striking golden yellow coat that was as bright as the sunrise and with a mane that shone like fire, burning fiercely from neck to flank.
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"And her mane"
It's a good idea to avoid starting a sentence with a conjunction such as "and" or "but" as it makes the reader feel as though they've missed the first half of something. You start three sentences with "and" in quick succession in the fifth paragraph and it's fairly distracting.
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"Everypony knows her as Spitfire"
Double space between "Everypony" and "knows". Simple way to get rid of them all is to search and replace " " with " " a few times.
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"how pick up"
I'm not sure whether this phrase is missing words, or it's just terminology I've not heard of. Either way, I'd recommend changing it.
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Nice story! The unicorn seems too generous to be Trixie without any further description, so for the moment I'd recommend just having an unnamed unicorn or picking a random background pony to take on the role. Certainly wouldn't affect what you've written, just the list of characters.
Having Spitfire save Dinky was a nice touch, but I'm not sure if saving a pony would reveal her special talent... it might be nice to have her gain the mark at the wonderbolts try-out, but I'm not sure. It's your story
Hope I've been helpful, and I look forward to your next fic!
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I understand what you're saying about semicolons. In fact, I've seen that article from The Oatmeal before. I suppose I should keep it on hand next week.
As for the other issues you pointed out, they were actually intentional. I was trying to go for an informal style as if the entire story was one long monologue to another pony. In retrospect, I suppose it wasn't the best idea.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and critique. It's good to get some useful feedback for a change; it'll come in useful for the weeks to come.
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Experimenting with prose can be fun! As long as you made the intentional choice to try something informal, rather than letting stuff slip in accidentally, then keep at it. "I" is not spelled "Ah", and yet I've some first person Applejack written where the latter replaces the former.
Getting critique is something that all writers struggle with, but if you're looking for more then have you seen the "WTG Critique Folder" post? [link]
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