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flappability — A drooping Star
Published: 2005-06-28 14:18:54 +0000 UTC; Views: 966; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 27
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Description
Layers upon layers of liquid colorfrosting up your soul.
Powdered hideouts mask your face
caging all you know.
As molten as a labelled heart trying to fit in --
You let your spiny world Collapse
crippling over what you could have Been.
The supple mirror darkens --
crunches into you
deceitful shards grind you clean
creasing cobbled wings.
The styrofoam love -- you followed
was never punched away --
Youth was all you could unbutton
and you let Abuse -- cascade.
Your body squirt too Far
the Jazziness forgotten --
When screaming feathers unchain their Lies --
your Universe is clinched.
So we settled Together
with the Drooping Stars
dimpled voices tangling in the hollow beat of wriggling Windmills --
as they ruffled our emotions
billowing nothing
but
the bruises of Mistake
we patched
To gether.
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Comments: 23
Hi
I haven't critiqued a piece of your work before and i am about to! Are you comfortable?
Overall i liked the poem, it has a few issues (for my reader, which i'll address below) but it was a pleasant read and some of the imagery made me smile.
- Capitalisation - This actually worked well for me because i found myself stressing the capitalised words and it assisted the rhythm you'd set quite effectively. It didn't feel random at all, but measured and reasoned. So i think your experimenting is working. My advice with this would be to ensure you have a _reason_ for what you are doing, if you do, then it's okay
- Repetition - The word "soul" jumped out at me the second time you used it. It detracted for me, rather than enhanced and felt a little sloppy. I tend to like repetition as a tool but here it didn't add anything. I'd look to substitute one of the souls.
- Rhythm - You set a wonderful rhythm up here with your use of rhyme and, for the most part, it just tripped off my tongue. Where i struggled was :
As molten as a labelled heart trying to fit in --
You let your spiny world collapse
crippling over what you could have Been.
The last line here isn't as tight, rhythmically, as it could be. It seems to read better for me if you remove the "over" though it's still not quite _right_. Really i want "crippling what could have been" (from a rhythmic point of view). Just something for you to ponder.
dimpled voices tangling in the Hollow Beat of the wriggling Windmills -- as they ruffled our emotions
Look at the stresses in this line. You set up a rhythm with your first four syllables and then we fall because we want to read "TANGle IN the HOLLow..." You could get around this by using enjambment or by tightening up the metre.
Think about:
dimpled voices tangle in the hollow of the windmill's beat.
Using metre here to direct your reader with a "beat", where we use the word "beat", is really clever and gets people giddy!
Watch for abstractions like "wriggling". Windmills don't wriggle and as an image a "wriggling" windmill is an odd one.
- Structure - This where i have mixed views. Some of your formatting works very well (the first three strophes, for example) but after that i started to wonder "why" and ask what does it _add_. I'd like to know your reasoning for it
to gether is golden
Hope some of this helps. Fell free to ignore me at will!
:: Toni
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Ignore you? Ignore you? Of course I would igore you. *ignores you*
*dies* *comes back to you*
wahhhhh... !
Wow..... another critique from a hat. Filled with yellow smilies.
Thanks so much for the nifty critique. You definately have so many more chunks of poetic, and writing experience than I do, and I really appreciate you taking time to whack me with some.
For Capitalization. You're right about the experimenting. I haven't been writing poetry for a heart-snippingly long time. No. I think a big part of my structure is an inspiration from Emily Dickinson poetry. She sticks quite a bit of capitalization and "--" here and there. I've found myself capitalizing random words that I liked in my poetry, but now I realize that capitalization needs a point.
You gave me quite a few helpful suggestions about the rhythm for a particular verse, so I tweaked it to this --
The supple mirror darkens --
crunches into you
deceitful shards grind you clean
creasing cobbled wings.
And the thing about the wriggling windmills -- I decided to keep that, because my writing tends to have a few surreal adjectives stuck to words that don't fit. I make them fit. It's just a habit that I can't let go of. I just think that there are so many adjectives laying side by side, inside the chubby dictionary, that nobody ever uses. So it's kinda like my style. I stick uncommon words with each other, for an odd clanking ring. ^^
And I also editted the formatting a little bit. The spacing was a tad messy, so I made the lines a tad more even and closer to each other.
I like short poems taking up big fat spaces. I think it fits this poem.
anyways, thank you for the comment.
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"So we settled together
with the drooping stars
dimpled voices tangling in the Hollow Beat of the wriggling Windmills -- as they ruffled our emotions
billowing nothing
but the bruises of mistake
we patched
to gether. "
all that.
i love it.
im not positive about the spacing.
i think its effective in most parts,
but some it confuses me.
i love the line "dimpled voices"
i get such a good visual.
and the windmills ruffling emotions.
and patching mistakes.
i love that.
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Awww.. thank you for taking the time to read it.
I see that whenever you write, even the comments, you poke ENTER a lot, and the lines are short. Like poetry.
I mentioned something about trying new kinds of line-lengths in another earlier comment, but I think that stubby-lines are your style. I've never seen anyone able to write such beautiful poetry with such divided, stubby lines before.
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wow,
you wrote this a long time ago.
i appologize.
thank you though.
and youre welcome as well.
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Omg... I love it. Oo;; I absolutely love it. Its beautiful, unique, and very powerful. Don't ever stop writing.
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Ahh.. gabby.. said.. that.
The gabby.. Ahh.
That really means a lot to me. Thank you.
I remember when I was 10, I looked at baniella's web pages, and the stories you wrote for Kim's storytelling contest, I read it all, and I wanted to write like that.
Inspiration makes my pencil pee. It's amazing what it does to you. 
Thank you!
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Your poetry satisfies my mind as chocolate satifies my taste buds, without the dreaded calories.
What a bonus.
"As molten as a labelled heart trying to fit in --
You let your spiny world collapse
crippling over what you could have Been."
*nod nod* Thats some good relative stuff.
Jessie, I think I have an idea of what this is saying,
bit I am a horrible interpreter, so next time we talk,
could you explain it to me? 
You have such a large regional diction. It is used so well.
Its melancholy, but beautiful.
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Gah.. I don't think I'm going to be on MSN at the same time as you, for a while. Not until Canada hunts me down in a Month.
However... I disagree to disagree with your assumptions.
They refuse to be wrong.
Yes.. it's about a teenagey human being with her teenagey human being of the opposite gender, and they went too far, and they did wrong things, the "butt to butt" thing, or the... drug thing... or the.. "failing to topple down a bridge" thing...
Yeah... I don't really think about those things very much. But it happens. People out there go through it day by day. And I really can't ignore it. So I thought about it. And I understood it. And I... do not support it, but it is there. And it is love. And that cannot be sponged away ha.
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Oooh! I understand! I understand now!
Wow, great concept.
Thanks!
HOPE TO TALK TO YOU SOON
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Ahh. .where have you been? It seems very gappy, porous and holey for those nifty comments labelled ~ariallure to not be there on these nifty gray, green virtual walls....
Ahh.. but it's nice to know you're back! Back! Back!
Welcoem back! Ahhh!!
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Hahahaha aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh <3333
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I disagree with =zebrazebrazebra on the capitalization. It looks like you're being experimental, and adds to the rufty tufty structure. Could be fine-tined a little, but hey. The rest of it, as you might say, is nifty.
I'm glad you pointed me to this one.
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Thank you.
Haha. I'm glad my yelling words whacked you and got you there to read read it.
It's fun to get whacked with words. I like the squishy feeling...
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Ahhh.
Thank you... You know what? It was actually inspired by your poetry. I started to realize the subjects your poetry splashes together are actually.. erm.. very big, nifty subjects. So I followed them. And put together my first poem about a similar subject. ^^
thank you, you nifty poet. ^^
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you are quite nifty yourself. i think its great how we can inspire each other.. the best feeling in the world is reading something and feeling it trigger something in your head...
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I agree. If I learned anything this year, it's the power of yanking those inner thoughts out of your head, sticking it together into poetry -- throwing it at other people who read them, who look at them, who listen to you. The power of sharing, and the power of inspiration. I would be no where if they did not exist.
Because this is the year I actually began to speak out, and that is butter.
Haha keep that pencil hopping.
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'As molten as a Labelled Heart trying to fit in --
You let your Spiny World collapse
crippling over what you could have Been.'
I wasn't huge on the capitalisation here, and elsewhere in the poem. I love 'bruises of mistake', though.
There were some parts of this that didn't grab me, but that final stanza really lifted me up and out. Drooping stars, wriggling windmills. Yes.
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Haha.. I'm a capitalization beginner. Only just began putting it in my poetry. I read Emily Dickinson, yes, and she sticks it in, and stretches it a lot. ^^ So I tried.
I guess I'll only stick it in on the words that really stretch out to me, not in random nouns.
Thanks for the wonderful comment.. again.
Let the frogs be with you.
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That last stanza is just magic. I won't forget to gether for a while. You've such a way with words, but I think I've already said that. Anyway, I'm sending you a note.
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Ahh.. thankies. ^^
I don't get music thrown a me very much.
It flosses my ears! It flosses my ears!
I'll let that song do it too.
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