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flappability — Webbed Sky
Published: 2006-01-14 16:44:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 687; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 19
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Description
I woke one eveningin a refrigerator
filled with Love.
Your frozen songs
and self-scarred necks
have smeared
a glacier of growth
around my eyes.
And the nests of first 'Love'
led us to believe
we'd stick together
like dragonfly wings
to the supple spider webs of
Innocent Destiny.
Our feet had begun to steer the trees,
replacing roots with icicles of blood
while Stop Signs sang us
into gaudy green flight.
The childhood clouds
were chased away
as we found ourselves
tangled
in our gutted Fireplaces
of Running Water.
But when the worry-webbed Love and desire collided,
the dollar signs dazzled and swindled our lives,
the televisions sparkled and they bottled our minds,
and Fireworks giggled as they were killed in the sky,
all to fulfill
the single purpose --
to decorate our eyes.
So it made me wonder –
Is it warmer to smile,
or be the woeful one
who causes others to?
As we toddled away,
getting stabbed by Age,
I believe I found the better of the two.
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Comments: 22
I really like this, but, as always, i must point out a few things:
the line break after the line in a i am not a fan of.
also, saying got killed is quite pedestrian (other than that though, that paragraph is my favourite).
i would put a line break between one and who in the third last paragraph
i love: bottled our minds
and the tense is off in the last line: believed
overall, i loved this piece. the layout seems to come second to the context, which annoys me some. I find at times it is useless (though, at others, it is just)... experimenting is good, but superfluousness is not.
great work.
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Nevermind Kyle!
The shellessmind answered my question!
But your comment is still appreciated!
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heh ok... sry... im a slow replyer
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ah, it's not your fault. Jacob and I were just one the same page at the same time, so he replied it five minutes after I posted it.
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Thanks for the awesome criticism.
Coming back to this poem again, I realized exactly how much less flowy, and more abstract my poetry was back then. I almost entirely rewrote the beginning few stanzas, and now they make a little more sense,. because previously the first few stanzas didn't have much relevence to the second.
I took all of your suggestions except for changing the tense for "believe", because the last stanza is referring to the present, and also i don't really agree with changing the word "killed" with something else. Because nothing else really works.. murdered... destroyed... shattered... shot... shot dead... I don't know, what do you think? Do you think this works better?
and Fireworks giggled as they got shot in the sky
all to fulfill
the single purpose --
to decorate our eyes.
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what he was saying is that "killed" works fine, but "got" is a bad word to use.
You could change it to "and fireworks giggled as they were killed in the sky" - which I think would be better.
also, he is right about the end. Though You shouldn't change it to believed.
It doesn't make any sense as is, but what you could do is change it to something like this.
"Then we darted away, getting stabbed by age.
I believe I have found the better of the two."
As long as those two things are two different sentences, it makes sense.
But as it is, it doesn't work, and I never realized that before.
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Alright, alright. It took me like five minutes to figure out how "believed" is grammatically correct, but I changed it. I don't really want the two last lines to be two sentences, because I just don't think it sounds the same anymore.
Anyways, thanks for the suggestions, Jacob.
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man. I dont like it that way ><.
Gosh.
Why not
"As we run away, being stabbed by age, I believe I have found the better of the two."
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argh.. i don't like it that way.
I still really really want to revert to the oldest one. Even though it doesn't work gramaticcally, because it just sounds so much bettter!
argh! I don't care! I'm keeping the oldest one!
thanks for your suggestions though
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woah....! way to cool! beautifully written. 
"our veins had begun to steer the trees" we depend the oxygen they trees feed us yet just by living humans tend to destroy them... I guess that's just a realists poin of view though... heh...
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I noticed a theme of things trying to close the two people in.
I woke one evening
in a refrigerator
and they found a way to accomodate themselves or escape.
The stop sign couldnt control them, and they simply flew above it. Their veins were controlling the outside rather than being controlled by their walls.
things bottled their minds, worry webbed around them
As we darted away,
getting stabbed by Age,
and they always escaped.
I love it.
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I changed the poem, especially the beginning, i almost entirely rewrote the beginning =] Hopefully it sounds better now.
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wow.. i love your poetry interpretations.
It's alway so heart-spankingly wonderful to read your feedbacks.
Thank you so much for dragging your fingers across the keyboard and applying pressure to each individual one just for the sake of commenting.
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You know. Call this off topic but I love the way you talk. I hope to god you're the only one who ever says anything is "heart-spankingly wonderful" because the originality of it all is just too perfect to repeat.
I know every time I read one of your comments that something is going to make me smile.
Something, every time.
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........
omg your comments make my heartbeat very fast.
Even before any of this started. =///
Grr.. i'm going to read your old comments.
They make me so insanely elated.
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your heartbeats make my heart beat very fast.
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wahh....thank you.
It took a long time to develop this languagey thing... I started talking very oddly in... 7th grade. So yeah. two years.
I usually just kind of ingrain words that sound cool and crunchy into my vocabulary,a nd start braiding them together in odd ways.
here is a very.. odd quote that I wrote...
''We eat emotion. We eat it. Slip it into our thoats as it soaks into our hearts.
But what goes in must always come out. Therefore, when the emotion has clogged our hearts for such an insanely long time - - it needs an outlet.
Therefore emotion decides to tumble into our butt.
AS we sit on the toilet in the morning's wobbling light - - we poop emotion.
POOP = art :: because they're both solid with varying colors
Or we pee, emotion out.
PEE = poetry :: because they both flow.
Or we fart it out
MUSIC = fart :: because they're both sopping-wet in SOUND -- and cannot be visibly seen."
and personally i think that conor oberst' fart is exceptionally good!
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that's wonderfully disgusting.
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The imagery is poignant in the minds that visualize each line verbatim. I found it quite appealing as well as the structure of the poem!!
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That was beautiful. Ver very moving... from the fireworks and onward, I was completely snared by your poem, and it has left me... feeling.
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thank you.
I have probably writen about fifteen poems about made up Love & relationships by now.
I'm glad that I can create things that can touch people. Thanks for the awesome comment as usual!
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