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Foxtrain — The Fogs.
Published: 2014-03-15 03:33:38 +0000 UTC; Views: 432; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 0
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Description “All you have left is a war to take her place.”

                                     CHAPTER ONE
It was no effect, nor moonlight, that made the air around her purple. It was plague and corruption itself that tainted the air, prompting the firmly strapped gas mask covering her face. Eyes fogged by glass scanned the terrain- the dried, blackened grass to the clouded sky. Nothing living as far as she could see, but she hadn't been told to look for anything with much life left in it anyway.

With practiced agility she stepped forward, her soft boots having no harsh effect on the deadened ground beneath her. She kept forward at a steady pace, her head not turning once, her breath never seeming to catch in her throat. There was no sound, no birds or trees to play by the wind but the wind itself, which blew softly across her leathers and did nothing more than press more purple against her visor.

Briefly, if at all, she contemplated removing the mask for clearer vision, but she knew much better than that. One glancing sniff of the fog and she would collapse, either to choke to death or to be consumed by whatever stayed hidden in the ominous darkness.

“Do you not see anything?”

She stiffened at the sudden explosion of static and sound before breathing out, her hand resting on a small, compact radio system at her hip. She shook her head slowly, smiling at her own unease, and slid her fingers over the surface of the device. Her fingertips touched with something large and protruding, and she pressed down, hearing her own morphed breathing in her ears.

“Nothing much,” she replied, as coolly as possible, her eyes once again tracing the landscape. “Literally, nothing much. Nothing moving, no trees, no homes, no people. No life.” Something like an owl hooted behind her, but she ignored it, releasing the button to trudge on a few more steps.

“You aren’t looking for life.”

She rolled her eyes at the sharpness of the voice and lifted the transmitter from her belt, looking down at it. If she was to throw it into the fog she was sure it would never be found again, and the nagging voice would go with it.

Sadly, she knew better. She sighed to herself and pressed down the button again, still holding the transmitter in her hand.

“I know. I mean, I was at least expectin’ somethin’ to shoot. At least.” She released the button and replaced the transmitter, turning her head to the left and the right for prolonged seconds. With no response seeming to come, she started up walking again. The owl- or creature- hooted again, and the sound under her feet differed. She turned her gaze downwards and stopped, noticing a blurred but present path.

“I’ve found something,” she alerted the transmitter, kneeling down. She stretched a hand forward and touched the path, brushing her fingers across what seemed to be stone. Dirt and loose rubble was scattered every few feet, but it was a path no matter which way she turned her head.

“Get out.”

She paused at the roughness of the voice, her hand slowly rising from the path. She pressed it to the transmitter again and clicked the button, surprised by the unsteadiness of her own breathing.

“Why? What harm could a path do?”

“GET. OUT.”

“Lethal?” she asked. She heard the concern and confusion in her own voice as she spoke to her seemingly hysteric husband. “Lethal? What’s wrong? Did you find something?”

“Just run.”

She stood again and turned, glancing behind her with a new found energy crushing her body.  The fog was parting slowly, and in the far distance she could make out a building. If she squinted, she saw it to be something big, wooden- makeshift and downtrodden, perhaps, but maybe elegant once upon a time.

“RUN, NOW.”

She turned her head again and began to sprint, her boots now relentlessly loud against the lifeless ground. Bursting, crackling, rumbling. Sounds began to grow louder around her, the fog pounding with some kind of desperation. She glanced to her side and almost tripped as her eyes met with a towering, zombified wolf. Its’ teeth gnashed at the air and it howled, the cry being met with many, many others. As the wolf began to surge forward its’ flesh seemed to fall away, slapping against the ground with sickening wet noises. She pushed herself harder, turning to see alien forms, small creatures, even humans plundering towards her. As she sprinted she reached for her belt, breathing hard and heavy in her mask.

“Lethal…”

“Letha? Letha, run. You have to run. You have to run faster than this. I’ve seen you run, I know you can run faster.”

Her armour flashed bright blue, pulsating blue, electric blue, but she felt as if there was nothing left inside of her to match the vibrancy of her own apparent fear. She fumbled with the transmitter as her belt melted onto the ground. She glanced down in confusion and saw her armour doing the same, fog wrapping around her body, destroying her protection.

“Oh, god, Lethal…” she groaned. The fog pushed through her leathers. The blue began to fade. Her skin began to burn.

“Letha? Letha, you’re almost here. Just run a little faster and you’ll be here. Not far to go, baby, not too far.”

She heard the sounds of her flesh slipping from her to collide with the ground but she refused to look down. Behind her the wolves kept howling, humans screaming and whining so loudly it hurt her ears, as the fog began to work at her mask.
“Lethal…”

“Letha? Can you still hear me? Come on, keep running.”

“I love you.”

Her knees hit the ground, and with a sickening scream, the fog covered her.
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Comments: 9

monstroooo [2014-04-22 15:45:28 +0000 UTC]

A good start! Lots of tactile detail, lots of atmosphere. I like the style and story

Interestingly, there's a LOT of negatives in the opening third. Are you aware of this? It's a small thing, but it really caught my eye. The writing focuses on what isn't there - have a read through and notice how often the words "not", "nor", and "no" appear. I don't think that's a problem, but maybe it's an indication that your sentences and descriptions are a little too similar.

I'd watch out for consistency. She says "Literally, nothing much... no life", just as an owl hoots behind her. It's almost a comical moment, undermining her perception of the situation. I mean, if there's an owl hooting, there's clearly life somewhere!

Starting a chapter with a quote is a classy way to go. But always make sure you say who the quote was from (even if it's just one of your own characters). Speech gains an awful lot of meaning and significant when you know who's said it.

A final observation is character names. Are they called "Lethal" and "Letha"? That's a very subtle distinction, easily missed while reading an action-packed paragraph or some rapid-fire dialog. I know that character names are often very close to us, and I'm sure there's a reason you've chosen such similar names. But you might want to reflect on whether this is going to be confusing to readers.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Foxtrain In reply to monstroooo [2014-04-28 08:00:18 +0000 UTC]

This story wasn't meant to be anything much- it was also written when I was maybe...13, or 14, and I think I did mention I didn't bother to overview it. Let me answer your questions in points.

-The negatives, as I covered before, went overlooked- I was a kid when I wrote this and eh, my skill was lower than it currently is. However the story currently it is, it has been for some time. I don't think it's such a bad thing, and I'm not going to change it here. It's something I have already improved on in my more recent writing pieces, so I appreciate your comment on it and am glad to say it's already been tackled.

-This story wasn't made for long-reading. The background story, which is not posted here, features that things, like animals, are not real life, but imagery set here from a previous civilization. This is what is being searched for in this segment, and while you had no way of knowing this, an owl hooting is not life to this particular explorer. I may consider posting the other segments/ ("chapters") to back this up, but very few people have paid attention to this story so it might not be very necessary.
(May I also mention that the comment Letha makes is directly before the owl hoots- it is entirely possible she had not noticed the animal until it made a noise. While this isn't the situation, it is plausible. The owl is behind her, after all.)

-The quote was done by myself in a previous story. Quoting myself seemed pretty douche-y, hah.

-The similarity of the names being excepted only by one letter is entirely on purpose, because Letha and Lethal are ultimately the same person. As you may have guessed, this was intended to go on longer, to which Letha would remain a character (the main, in fact) and Lethal would cease to exist after this particular event. Lethal is a fragment of Letha, again, from this past civilization world she is currently scoring.


Please note I'm not snapping here, just giving you my genuine reasons to explain why things are as they are. It makes more sense to me, as I had the rest of the story/previous parts of the story in mind and pre-read. I understand The Fogs. could be rather confusing for those who haven't read "the rest" of it, however, it's just here to fill out my 'folio a bit more. An eagle fluffing it's feathers, if you like, and nothing more.

Thanks for the time it took you to comment (as it clearly did take some time, and close observation) and for your Favourite on this story. I appreciate your help in improving my stories, even if I do have my own personal (in a sense!) explanations for the errors or untied ends concerning this piece.

Thanks again,

-Foxtrain.

(Excuse spelling errors and such, I'm sick at the moment and proofreading is a bitch.)

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

monstroooo In reply to Foxtrain [2014-04-28 14:53:54 +0000 UTC]

We all have to start from somewhere I wasn't aware that you were so young when you wrote this. It's a good piece, especially considering your age. But the nature of criticism and feedback is, more often than not, to focus on the bad, not the good. That's one of the hard truths a writer has to face up to, sooner or later

Besides, we can still learn a lot from things we wrote a long time ago, just as we can learn a lot from reading other people's work. Sometimes, behind all the nitpicks and the details that don't matter, there are broader lessons that can be learned, or problems we can be aware of in the future. Of course, I accept that you won't want to go back an edit such an old piece. I myself don't like to edit things once I consider them "done", no matter how many problems creep out during criticism. It always feels like betraying the original work if I go back and fix an old typo or whatever.

These days I think in terms of "drafts", where I'll let one draft stand for all eternity, but I prepare myself for it to be shot down in flames by some smart-arse. At which time I'll decide whether or not to produce another draft.

Anyway, I'm digressing. I just wanted to comment on a couple of the points you've made. Of course, you're right to defend your decisions and your work (I don't take you to be snappy, by the way), and I don't neccessarily disagree with anything you've said.

I think the criticism regarding the owl stands. You're right in that it could be quiet until the owl hoots, and that just because Letha can't see anything, doesn't mean it isn't there. But all the same - the narrative and dialog both take time to say how quiet, still and lifeless everything feels. And the moment that's acknowledged, something makes a noise, as if to contradict the setting. The juxtaposition is funny, although it's clearly not intended to be so. Simply including the owl hoot at a different point in the story would make this feel a little more natural, that's all I'm getting at.

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with quoting yourself. It's absolutely fine if you're quoting one of your own character's dialog - you can simply quote the character. Not only is that kind cool, but it also links your stories together, giving a stronger sense that you're writing about a world with a history. Nothing douchy about that!

I confess I don't understand the Letha/Lethal thing, but you clearly had something in particular in mind for the rest of the story: so I'll let it pass

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IcyColdDP [2014-03-17 14:22:31 +0000 UTC]

This is very interesting. I look forward to reading more.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Foxtrain In reply to IcyColdDP [2014-03-17 21:10:50 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I look forward to progressing the story more- thank you again, too, for your Watch. (:

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

BartonWilson [2014-03-15 14:44:32 +0000 UTC]

This is chapter 1? Can't wait for more.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Foxtrain In reply to BartonWilson [2014-03-15 16:04:37 +0000 UTC]

I'm supposing it will  be, yes. (:

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BartonWilson [2014-03-15 09:49:16 +0000 UTC]

Augh! what a nightmare. Love it!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Foxtrain In reply to BartonWilson [2014-03-15 11:11:24 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! (: It's quite terrifying isn't it ):

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