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genericwin — distance
by-nc-nd
Published: 2011-10-31 23:13:13 +0000 UTC; Views: 624; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 1
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Description
something they'll sayor do
will show you the rift
between dream and reality
the pounding in your breast
then
and the bitter taste
that will fill your mouth
it is sadness
it is anger
but above all
it is disappointment
something you've held
firmly in your grasp
it is fading away
and at that moment
your eyes will be too hot
and your heart too heavy
that you'll
let your feet carry you
further and further away
from where your dreams
no longer are
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Comments: 6
I will be critiquing this poem on behalf of
Firstly, may I ask if the lack of punctuation and capital letters is your style or if you just forgot them in the hurry to vent?
Now, the crit:
Grammar:
Your grammar is fine within this piece.
Punctuation:
Let me start by saying that I am a fan of the use of punctuation.
That being said, here are my reasons for suggesting that this piece receive more TLC by the addition of punctuation:
- Punctuation, especially commas and periods, show is when to breathe (comma) and pause momentarily at the end of a sentence (period). They also denote that the line should be read in parts, not as a whole. Without any punctuation, your entire poem becomes enjambment and should, by rights, be read as one breath no matter if it's broken into ST's or not.
Imagery:
There is little to no imagery within this piece. I would like to see more imagery to partner with the emotion and the telling of the story.
Overall:
A good effort for a quick vent.
J
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
The lack of punctuation is style. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I am afraid that someone from my group has already critiqued that work. But if you note me, I may be able to look at it at a later date.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Definitely had this feeling before, so I can totally relate to this poem. <3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1