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gothdevil — Darkness
Published: 2005-12-07 05:48:49 +0000 UTC; Views: 160; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 4
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Description
In this hall wayNo rooms, no doors
Nothing around me
No roof or floors.
No light no sounds
No foot steps on the ground
For there is nothing
Anywhere around.
My true love left me
Only saying “ good bye “
If this thought keeps hurttng
I’ll put myself to die.
It’s all I see in the darkness
It’s all I hear through the night
It’s all I feel in my vein
It’s too strong to fight.
Can’t see or feel anything
In the darkness but pain
Eveyone thinks I hate suicide
But yet I still suffer from pain.
I shall die in the darkness
Unless I can find the light
Doubt that will happen
For everyone left my sight.
I need someone to love
I need someone for life
But no one else in this darkness
I shall die by a knife.
I think that’s what that is
Shiney thing above
This pain that I feel
I blame on “ love “.
Everyone hates me
They all want me to die
I shall give them their wish
Cut my soul out and fly.
Can someone help me,
Before I jump up and grab the knife?
I need someone to love in hope
To bring my soul back to life.
Alone in the darkness
No one else around
Chance of once more being happy
Is way beneath the ground.
Sad thing is, no ground around,
So no one loves me
I turn to this knife to set
My heart and soul free…
Comments: 23
Not too shabby at all. I like the concept you've got going here, but again I've got some nit-picking to do.
"My true love left me
Only saying “ good bye “
If this thought keeps hurttng
I’ll put myself to die."
For starters you've a typo there, but that's not a big deal, really. Also, the last line "I'll put myself to die" just doesn't make that much sense.
"It’s all I see in the darkness
It’s all I hear through the night
It’s all I feel in my vein
It’s too strong to fight."
My only beef with this stanza is that you've more than one vein, silly
"Can’t see or feel anything
In the darkness but pain
Eveyone thinks I hate suicide
But yet I still suffer from pain."
It's strange here. The last two lines don't make much sense to my tired brain.
"I think that’s what that is
Shiney thing above
This pain that I feel
I blame on “ love “."
Again, the rhythm is just funny here. I think adding in a small word here or there would help out. It also seems a bit random to be talking about the knife and then more on the pain.
"Everyone hates me
They all want me to die
I shall give them their wish
Cut my soul out and fly."
I just wanted to say that I really like the smooth flow here. Awesome job!
"Can someone help me,
Before I jump up and grab the knife?
I need someone to love in hope
To bring my soul back to life."
I think this stanza just got a little bit wordy..
"Sad thing is, no ground around,
So no one loves me
I turn to this knife to set
My heart and soul free…"
This last one just confused me. Maybe I'm just dumb?
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lol, yea I can see where your comming from in some ways.....
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hope my nitpicking didn't bug you too much
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
lol, no not at all, it might of helped, if I can remember...lol
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
ok, thanks, but really, I'm fine right now.....
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
not meant to be....thanks for the fav on it though.....
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
