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gothdevil — Pain Reliever
Published: 2005-12-06 21:53:36 +0000 UTC; Views: 139; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 2
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Description
I've tried drinking,And drugs to relieve pain,
Nothing is working,
Still going insane.
Tried weeping
Through the night,
I need to find something
For I can no longer fight.
My heart is broken,
Her heart is torn
Now I wished,
I was never born.
I need a pain reliever,
Need something now,
For what I did to her
Was nothing but sour.
I can't change the past,
Or take away her pain,
If I could I wouldn't do it,
Just to keep me from being insane.
Should of treated her better,
Way more then I ever did,
The coffin I made, placed on it
will soon be a lid.
I found my pain reliever,
For it is a gun,
I shall go look at the sky,
No longer will I see the sun.
In it I loaded 1 dose of med,
For I hope that it
Kills the pain, and take it
Right out of my head.
3.....2.........FIRE!
Comments: 28
drugs, alcohol and dealth solve nothing...I think you're too hard on yourself, leave the past where it belongs...behind you.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
believe me I know how hard it is...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
A few things I noticed here -
"I can't change the past,
Or take away her pain,
If I could I wouldn't do it,
Just to keep me from being insane."
It was the second time you'd done the pain and insane rhyme scheme, so it seemed just repetitive as opposed to being symbolic, you know?
"Should of treated her better,
Way more then I ever did,
The coffin I made, placed on it
will soon be a lid."
I think my beef with this verse stems from the fact that it doesn't have any sort of consistant rhythm. I can help work it out if you want?
"I found my pain reliever,
For it is a gun,
I shall go look at the sky,
No longer will I see the sun."
The rhythm here is mostly fine, but the wording seems really funny. Again, I can help if you'd like.
Aside from those tidbits, I thought this was a nice poem.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
yea, can you help me on this?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Sure. 
"I found my pain reliever,
For it is a gun,
I shall go look at the sky,
No longer will I see the sun."
When I thought of this one, the first thing that popped into my head for the second line was "His name is Mr. Gun" I always thought it was cute. And then - Mr. Gun could send you to the sky where you'll never see the sun?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hey, that does sound better
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Glad to have helped, then
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
