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gothdevil — Run Away
Published: 2006-05-13 21:48:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 141; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 7
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Description
Our love is full of potion,Love is full of kind,
So lets run away,
Leave this fucked up world behind.
Get your things together,
We can be out of here by ten,
Lets put this all behind us,
We’ll be together until the end.
Faster, faster
Both of us shall run
When we find somewhere to hide,
We can have some fun.
When we get to the location
Where we are going to stay,
No parents will come between us,
Nothing will be in our way.
Our location they can seek,
It’s our location they wont find,
All they’ll have left of us
Is the notes we left behind.
Your hair the wind blows,
The moon makes your eyes glow,,
Now er are alone,
More my love shall show.
Now no one between us,
Together to the end,
The best part of it all,
I’m with my best friend,
You.
Comments: 18
pretty good, i think you should still write poetry though. i really like your style
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yea I know. I want to, but I really am having problems on what to write about though.
Thanks for the suport.
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just wait for ur muse to come
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past running... yes, but they would be runnin from the from the ones who keep them apart.....
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mate you 've done it again.You are a multitalented kid as i see!!!!!!!!!i love the poem ,it rhymes really nice and you make big sence.It reminds me when i was 16-17 i really felt this way.
Oh i hope she doesn't make this mistake.It is a big mistake running away from your people,You know that don't you?
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Yes, I know. But it would be so nice.....
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in 5-10 years you will wish you never left your home.Believe me it happens to everyone in this situation!!!!!!!!!
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hey, I never said I was going to...lol
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mate you 've done it again.You are a multitalented kid as i see!!!!!!!!!i love the poem ,it rhymes really nice and you make big sence.It reminds me when i was 16-17 i really felt this way.
Oh i hope she doesn't make this mistake.It is a big mistake running away from your people,You know that don't you?
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The ending doesn't seem to fit the rest of the poem very well. uu Too abrupt of a stop, I suppose.
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Hows that? Two people in love, at the end you find out not only does he love her, but she is his best friend as well.....
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I think it would have been much better without the "you". There are also tons of other mistakes in this poem, but when I point mistakes out people get all pissy with me, so I'm just going to stick with my actual opinion. >_< But, yeah. The "You." doesn't seem to fit at all. I really don't like it. u-u
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I don't get pissy, please do tell???
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Really...? >_< Okay, then... I guess I'll go through it and give it my best critique.
-Our love is full of potion,
Love is full of kind,
So lets run away,
Leave this fucked up world behind.
The first line doesn't seem to make much sense, perhaps you should add an adjective or turn that into a more meaningful metaphor. The second line doesn't seem to really make sense either... Since "kind" is a describing word, it can't be used as a direct object like that. "Let's" might sound more poetic as "let us". A bit more ... Well, nicer sounding. Cussing also doesn't seem to be very poetic either. XD I understand that it's there to emphasize something important, but perhaps you should try to do that a bit more tastefully. ^_^
o_o; If you want me to do this to every line in your poem, then please say so. If not, then... Say so, too. I'll continue if you say it's alright... Most people don't like things like this, so I like to be extra careful.
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hold on....No. i'm not gettin pissed, but right there the line you posted is meant to be that why in my point, that one I knew what I did, thats what makes it a little different from other poems on deviant.... What is the nest thing, in your opinion???
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