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Naruto: The Crazy, Messed Up, Hyper, Insane Chronicles

Episode 1:
Duuuude, whoa!

It was just another day in sunny Konoha. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, the birds were singing, people were walking around minding their own business. Everything was serene. But for a few people, everything was about to change. Naruto and Sasuke had been assigned by Tsunade to pick up a “special package” from Shikamaru’s house. Whatever it was, it seemed important as Tsunade refused to tell the two just what the package contained. She also forbade anyone but the two friends/rivals to make the pick up.

“I wonder what exactly it is Granny Tsunade wants us to pick up for her.” Naruto said to Sasuke. Sasuke shrugged, “How the fuck should I know? All I know, is what she told us, and that’s to pick up the package, don’t look in it, deliver it to her office, and leave immediately.” Naruto put his hands behind his head like he normally did when walking somewhere, “Man I really wish I knew what the hell it is,” he whined. “Well whining isn’t going to do anything, so shut the fuck up. Besides, we’re here.”

Sasuke told Naruto. Naruto rung the bell and waited for a minute. He then rung it again…then again, and again, and again, obviously amused by the bells sound. However, Shikamaru answered the door while Naruto continued to ring the doorbell. Sasuke smacked Naruto up alongside his head to get him to stop. “What are you guys doing here? I was trying to take a nap when you guys decided to wake me up.” Shikamaru complained to the two other ninja. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry about interrupting your beauty sleep man, but we’re here to pick up a package for Granny Tsunade.” Naruto said.

Shikamaru scratched the back of his head and yawned. “What a drag, well follow me then, I’ll get the package for you.” The other two followed the “Lazy Genius of Konoha” down into his house’s basement. He went into a room and began looking through boxes trying to figure out which one was the right one. While they were waiting, Naruto’s keen sense of smell picked up a strange scent. It was a strange smell he’d never experienced before and followed it to a door, which was slightly ajar.

He pushed the door the rest of the way open and found the source of the pungent smell. The room was apparently filled with special UV lights shining down on small trays that had a strange green plant with seven leaves growing from them. “Hey, what the fuck, are you doing?” Shikamaru yelled at Naruto. “What is this stuff?” Naruto asked. “What’s what?” Sasuke asked. He turned to look into the room and saw the little garden Shikamaru had. “Holy shit man!” Sasuke yelled. “You have a fucking weed garden in your basement!” Shikamaru groaned in frustration before saying, “Yes, I have a weed garden in my basement. It’s…a family tradition so to speak. No one’s ever found out until now.”

“Well that explains why you’re always so relaxed.” Sasuke stated. “What kinda weeds are they?” Naruto asked. “No, not weeds. Weed.” Shikamaru said. Naruto just looked at him obliviously. “Pot, ganja, marijuana, sweet leaf. Any of those ringing any bells?” the recently revealed pothead ninja asked. “Nope.” Naruto said. Shikamaru slapped his forehead. “You’re sixteen and you don’t know what weed is?” he asked. (AN: I forgot to mention, this is set a year after the Shippuden episodes.) Naruto just shrugged his shoulders. Shikamaru sighed and scratched his head. “Man, what a drag. Well tell you what, since you are a good friend and all, instead of explaining it to you, I’ll just give you some for free,” he said.

Sasuke’s eyes grew large. “You’re just gonna give us free weed?” he asked. “Why not? I don’t see the point in hording it all for myself.” Shikamaru explained. He went back into the little closet where the package for Tsunade was. He pulled the package out along with another smaller one. “All you need is in this package. Oh, and you might need to go grocery shopping after awhile,” he warned. “Why?” Naruto asked. “You’ll see.” Shikamaru replied with a rarely seen smirk on his face. Naruto took the packages from Shikamaru, thanking him and leaving with Sasuke. “Hm, maybe I shouldn’t have done that. Oh well.” Shikamaru thought.

(page break motherfuckers)

Naruto and Sasuke delivered the package to Tsunade without delay or having looked inside it. The two were then debriefed, and paid, before they ran off to Naruto’s apartment. “Okay, so let’s see what we got here.” Naruto said as he opened the box. Inside it were some bags of what appeared to be dirt (weed), brown chalk (hashish), some paper to make joints, some paper with bizarre recipes involving weed, instructions on how to make a joint, and a CD marked “Special Toking Music Mix”. Naruto pulled a small bag of what appeared to be dirt. “So this is weed, huh?” He sighed and pulled out the instructions and he and Sasuke followed them making themselves a couple of joints. Sticking them in their mouths they both took a match. “Well here goes nothing.” Naruto said as he and Sasuke struck their matches and lit their joints.

(page break motherfuckers)

Five minutes later, they were totally blasted. The two lay on the floor giggling as “Purple Haze” by Jimi Hendrix played on Naruto’s small stereo. Sasuke pointed up at a weird stain on the ceiling and said, “You see that stain right there? That could be a whole ‘nother world, with a whole ‘nother Sasuke and Naruto.” Naruto giggled a bit. “Yeah. Who knows? Hey, you know what’s funny?” he asked. “What?” Sasuke asked back. Naruto thought for awhile, but then looked stumped. “I don’t know,” he said. Sasuke burst out laughing which was weird considering it was Sasuke man.

“I feel so very light right now. Like a balloon just floating away.” Sasuke said dreamily (like as in he’s acting like he’s dreaming people okay?). “I’m sooooooooooo fucking hungry right now.” Naruto said. Sitting up he said, “I’m gonna go see if I have any Teddy Grahams.” He walked into his kitchen and looked at his cupboard. “Now how do I open this again?” he thought out loud. He stared at it for a good ten minutes before he noticed the handles on the doors. “Oh yeah,” Naruto said pulling open the doors.

“Ahhhhh shit, no Teddy Grahams. You know what this means right?” Naruto said to Sasuke. “Road trip? I call shotgun,” he said excitedly from the floor. “What, no we don’t have cars. We gotta go shopping.” Naruto said. “Oh yeah, heh, heh,” the other ninja said hazily. “Well let’s go then.” Naruto said grabbing his wallet Gama-chan, and dragging Sasuke with him.

Outside, on the streets, Sasuke and Naruto stumbled around in their stupor trying to not seem suspicious to passersby. However, due to their, rather unnatural behavior, and the fact that they were talking rather loud, it was hard not to seem suspicious. It wasn’t made any better when they made it to the store and got the Teddy Grahams. “That’ll be $3.40 guys,” the cashier said. “OKAY!” Naruto shouted. “Um, sir there’s no need to shout,” the cashier said. “I CAN SHOUT IF I WANT TO! I DON’T NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO! ISN’T THAT RIGHT SASUKE!?” “YEAH!”

By now the cashier was freaking out. He wasn’t sure if they were angry, crazy, or just retarded. However, he was scared out of his mind and was about to piss himself. “Fine, just take the Teddy Grahams. I don’t care, just please don’t hurt me!” he said pleadingly. “Okie dokie!” Naruto said, grabbing the box and leaving with Sasuke stumbling along behind. The cashier then had a heart attack, passed out and pissed his pants, all in that order.

As Naruto and Sasuke were walking home, Hinata and Sakura were walking up on the other side of the street. They were talking about how Hinata needed to tell Naruto about her feelings before it was too late. Seeing Naruto and Sasuke coming up the street Sakura nudged Hinata and nodded over at the two. “Better now then never.” Sakura said quietly to Hinata. Hinata shook her head in understanding. As she made her way over to Naruto, she kept thinking to herself, ‘Just tell him how you feel, just tell him how you feel.’

When she made it over to Naruto, she said, “H-Hello Naruto.” Naruto stopped and looked over at Hinata. “Oh, hey Hinata. Just the person I wanted to see,” he said. Hinata looked surprised at his statement. “R-Really?” she asked. “Yeah, I just wanted to say, and d-don’t interrupt me cuz I need to say this. I really, really, really like you.” Hinata was stunned beyond all belief. Naruto in his stoned state mind perceived this as her not believing him. “What don’t you believe me? Fine, if you want proof here’s some proof.” He then grabbed her and slammed his lips against hers in a surprise passionate kiss!

Sakura’s jaw hit the ground as she witnessed this. She knew something must be wrong with Naruto and decided to see what was going on. She was stopped by Sasuke who had stepped in front of her, “Hey Sakura, what’s going on?” Sakura looked at Sasuke with a look of bewilderment on her face. ‘Sasuke too, what is going here?” she thought. “Look Sasuke, I’d love to talk, but I have to see why Naruto is acting so weird.” Sasuke didn’t here any of this though. He looked down at Sakura’s chest with a look of slight confusion. “I need to get by so I can…” She stopped short when, without warning Sasuke grabbed one of her breasts. ‘Is he…he is…Sasuke’s grabbing my boob.’ Sakura thought. “Heh, heh, this is soft. It’s squishy too!” Sasuke said amused.

Sakura’s mind was racing with different thoughts. ‘What’s going on here? Why are Naruto and Sasuke acting so weird? Why is Naruto, who barely even noticed Hinata’s affections before, now all but screwing her on the sidewalk? Why is Sasuke grabbing my chest? And…do I really want him to stop?’ Sakura was really confused and wanted answers. Unfortunately, if she wanted answers, she’d have to ask Sasuke and Naruto. And that would mean Sasuke would have to stop what he was doing. Of course, she then realized that this was all happening in public and had to be stopped before someone happened upon them.

Sakura regained her composure and tapped Sasuke on the shoulder. “Um, Sasuke? Could you please stop?” she asked. Sasuke immediately stopped groping Sakura and grinned a big stupid grin. “Okie dokie!” he said. Removing his hand from her chest he stood in front of here still grinning that stupid looking grin.

Calming herself down, Sakura looked Sasuke, square in the eyes. Or rather, she would have if they weren’t looking around everywhere hazily. “Sasuke?” Sakura said waving a hand in front of his face. “Yeah, I’m me.” Sasuke said. “Uh, are feeling okay? You seem to be acting well…not like yourself.” Sasuke frowned and displayed a look of thought and confusion on his face. “Really? How do I usually act?” he asked. “Are you serious?” “I think.” Sakura slapped her forehead.

“Sasuke why are acting like this? And why is Naruto acting like a retard. Or rather more of one than he normally acts.” Sakura asked. Sasuke was laughing to himself, “I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.” Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose. “Well could you at least give me a hint?” she asked hopefully. “No, but I can show you.” Sasuke said. Sakura smiled hopefully, “That’d be good.” Sasuke turned around, “Hey Naruto stop eating Hinata’s face and let’s show Sakura and Hinata our little secret.” Naruto tore his face away from Hinata’s, “Okay,” he said unaware of what was really going on.

The two lead the girls back to Naruto’s apartment. “Now make sure not to tell anyone okay?” Naruto said to the girls. “Okay, just show us.” Sakura said impatiently. Naruto pulled his key out, but had a little trouble getting it in. However, he finally did and unlocked the door. The two lead the girls into Naruto’s apartment, which was dark due to the fact that the windows blinds were shut, and the lights were off.

“Why is it so dark in here?” Sakura said. She then took a whiff of the air and wrinkled her nose. “And what is that awful smell? It’s like a skunk died in here or something.” “Oh, yeah. I better get the lights.” Naruto said. He walked over to the wall and flicked the light switch. Sakura’s eyes widened the second she saw what was on the coffee table next to Naruto’s couch. “YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SMOKING POT!” Sakura screamed at the top of her lungs at the two. “Yeah, Shikamaru gave it to us.” Sasuke said nonchalantly.

“YOU IDIOTS! DON’T YOU KNOW THIS STUFF IS ILLEGAL! YOU CAN DO SERIOUS TIME FOR THIS!” Sakura screamed some more. Naruto just waved his hand at her. “Eh, you worry too much Sakura. Nobody’s gonna find out. Nobody lives in this apartment building anymore. It’s perfectly safe.” Sakura growled at the two. “You need to chill out more Sakura.” Naruto said. “Yeah, you should try some of this weed. It’s good shit.” Sasuke agreed with his good buddy.

“No, way. I’m not going to be lured into doing something like that by you two. Especially you Sasuke, I’d expect better from you.” Sakura said disappointedly. “Really? But I’ve been smoking ganja for awhile now.” Sakura’s jaw dropped. “You WHAT!?” she asked/screamed. Sasuke laid back taking a hit from a joint. “Yeah, back when I was with Orochimaru we would smoke doobies to unwind. Thank God for all the exercise training gave me, or all those Twinkies I ate would have made me look like a blimp. Heh, I also remember once when Kabuto went out to get some coke for Orochimaru while he and I were stoned.”

(Flashback time!)

Orochimaru and Sasuke were sitting around on the couch in Orochimaru’s living room stoned out of their minds. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. “Who is it?” Orochimaru said lazily. “It’s me Kabuto, open the door.” Orochimaru paused as if in thought. “Kabuto’s not here.” Orochimaru replied. “I know, I’m Kabuto, I’ve got the coke. Open the door before someone comes along.” “Kabuto’s not here.” “I know, I’m Kabuto.” “Kabuto’s not here.” Kabuto had gotten fed up with dealing with his master while stoned. “Okay, you know what it’s the cops open up,” he said to trick his master into opening up. “Oh God! Sasuke flush it!” A flushing noise was heard and the door opened to reveal Orochimaru with blood shot eyes. “Just kidding! It’s me Kabuto!” A look of horror appeared on the Snake Sannin’s face as he realized what he had Sasuke do. “OH NO!” he exclaimed.

(End of flashback bitches)

Sasuke laughed to himself, “Good times, good times.” Hinata, unlike Sakura, had never heard of pot before due to her sheltered upbringing and therefore didn’t understand quite what was going on. “I’m confused Sakura. What is pot anyway?” she asked. Before Sakura could answer though, Naruto spoke up. “It’s an amazing thing Hinata. It makes you feel relaxed, happy, and totally stress free. Here try it,” he said offering Hinata a joint. “Don’t you take that Hinata, it wouldn’t be right.” Sakura said.

“Oh that’s bullshit Sakura and you know it.” Sasuke said. “They only say it’s bad because they’re too afraid of change and that the people who block its legalization don’t want to be proven wrong.” “Yeah, I mean it’s the easiest drug to quit, it’s not extremely addictive, and it would mean a decrease in violent street crime if legalized.” Naruto said quoting facts about the drug. “That’s not true! Hinata don’t listen to them, pot is…” Sakura trailed off though because while Sasuke and Naruto were talking to her Hinata grabbed a joint and lit it up.

“Hinata?” Sakura asked in disbelief. Hinata exhaled the smoke from her joint in a slow relaxed fashion. “Wow, this is amazing.” Hinata said, now feeling the full effects of the weed. “OH. MY. GOD! You’ve turned Hinata into a pothead!” Sakura exclaimed hysterically. “No, we haven’t. We’ve helped her relax and learn to appreciate things more.” Naruto said. Hinata climbed onto the couch next to Naruto. “Yeah, Sakura. I now appreciate things a lot more now. Especially, certain things,” she said as she put her hand down Naruto’s pants.

Sakura at this point was freaking out. “What the fuck!?” she screamed/asked. “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, that weed also makes you really horny sometimes.” Naruto said. Of course he then began moaning right after he said that due to Hinata’s handy work with his package (Forgive that awful pun/innuendo). At this point Sakura was freaking out. Her whole concept of what was right and wrong was collapsing around her. For years she was taught that weed was wrong. In fact she remembered when she was little the talk on weed she was given by her parents.

(Flashback time!)

Five year old Sakura was sitting on the couch in her living room, with her parents sitting on chairs facing the couch. “Now Sakura do you know why we’re having this talk?” Mrs. Haruno asked. “No.” Sakura stated flatly. “Well honey, we’re going to talk to you about something called marijuana so you can know about it.” Mr. Haruno said. “Okay.” Sakura said. “You see honey, marijuana is what is known as a drug. It’s bad for you and could do bad things to you.” Mrs. Haruno said.

“Really? Like what?” Sakura asked intrigued. “Well it can uh…” “It can make you go blind!” Mr. Haruno cut in to save his wife from making an ass of herself. Sakura gasped in horror. “But that means I’d never be able to become a ninja.” “That’s right honey,” said Mrs. Haruno. “And it makes your hair fall out.” “Noooo!” Sakura screamed. “But the worst part, is that it makes your brain melt out through your nose.”

By this time Sakura was scared out of her mind. “So honey, will you promise us not to smoke marijuana?” they asked. “Yes.” Sakura said. “Good, now run out and play with your friends.” Mrs. Haruno said. “Okay.” When Sakura left, Mrs. Haruno let out a sigh. “God, I need to relax.” Mr. Haruno grinned, “I got just the thing,” he said. He pulled a box of weed out, and rolled a couple of joints. “Aren’t we being hypocritical telling our daughter not to smoke weed when we do it?” Mrs. Haruno asked. “Nonsense! We’re the parents. We can do what we want even if it goes against what we preach.”

(End of flashback bitches!)

‘I wonder why I had that last part in my flashback. I wasn’t there. Well whatever. My parents told me not to do weed and I’m not doing weed.’ Sakura thought. ‘Pffft! You still listen to mommy and daddy?’ her inner self asked her. ‘Well of course, it wouldn’t be right to disobey them.’ ‘Oh like you haven’t done it before?’ ‘No’ ‘What about last week? Your parents told you they didn’t want you to have sex till you were married. And what do you do after your date with Sasuke? You and he fuck each other’s brains out! So don’t bullshit me about how you never disobey your parents!’

Sakura realized that her own inner self had backed herself into a corner. It had a point. She looked around the room. Sasuke seemed peaceful enough. And Hinata and Naruto were currently going at it like two dogs in heat while the song ‘2 Hookers and an 8-Ball’ by Mindless Self Indulgence played on the stereo. “Okay fine. I’ll try it. But I’m not gonna like it.” Sakura said as she sat next to Sasuke and took a joint, and lit it up.

(Page break motherfuckers!)

It had been two hours since Sakura partook of the sweet leaf Naruto and Sasuke had received from Shikamaru. The four were sitting on Naruto’s couch. Hinata and Naruto were in their underwear and they were watching Mythbusters on TV (That is such a fucking awesome show, and if you don’t like it, you SUCK! Kidding). Something exploded on the show and the four laughed at the antics of Adam, Jamie, and their crew.

“Oh Adam, you’re obsession with explosions will be the end of you one of these days.” Sasuke said. “I think Tory is hot!” Hinata said unexpectedly. “Is he hotter than me?” Naruto asked her slyly wiggling his eyebrows. Hinata once again surprised everyone, “FUCK NO!” she shouted. “He’s hot but he ain’t nothing compared to you my sexy, foxy, stud of a demon boy.” Hinata told him before making out with him hungrily. “Hey! If you guys are going to do it, please go somewhere else.” Sakura said irritated. The two separated though they really didn’t want to.

As the four watched Adam and Jamie try out the myth on being thrown back by a gunshot, the doorbell rang. “Oh dammit! The fucking door’s open!” Naruto screamed. The sound of the door opening emanated throughout the apartment. “Hey Naruto, have you seen Sakura and Hinata anywhere?” came Tenten’s voice from the foyer. “They were supposed to meet me at my house this…after…noon. Um, what the hell are you guys doing?” she asked as she came into the living room.

“Just hanging out, watching TV.” Sasuke said. “Then why are Naruto and Hinata in their underwear? And why does it smell like a skunk in here?” Of course that’s when Tenten saw the joints and bags of weed and hash sitting on the end table. “Oh my God, have you been smoking weed?” The four looked at each other. They were trapped. A girl like Tenten was the most likely person to tell on them and get them arrested and removed from the ninja corps.

“I can’t believe you guys! Especially you, Sakura! How could you do something like this?” Despite the stoned state of minds the four were in, they felt a little guilty and scared about what Tenten would do. However, that was all expelled when Tenten added, “Without telling me.” The four looked at her questioningly. “Yeah, I’ve smoked weed before. Hell, I’ve even done LSD and ecstasy. Plus I know recipes for hash brownies, space cake, weed cookies, and ganja goo balls.” Naruto’s mouth fell open. “You can make food with this stuff?” he asked. “Yeah. It’s pretty tasty too. Why?” Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other. “Let’s call Choji,” they both said simultaneously.

(Page break motherfuckers!)

About an hour later, Choji arrived at Naruto’s house. While not as pudgy as he used to be, Choji wasn’t exactly muscular either, he was somewhere in between pudgy and regular. Like Jack Black or um…me for instance, ahem well anyway he wasn’t as fat as he used to be. “So what’s going on here? I heard you guys were having a party or something and had food.” By this time, Naruto and Hinata had got back into some clothes and the joints were hidden.

Tenten who was in the kitchen making the “special treats” stuck her head into the foyer. “Hey Choji. The food’s almost done cooking and should be ready shortly,” she told him. “Good, oh and hey. I ran into some guys on the way here and brought them along.” Choji responded. “Cool, the more the merrier.” Choji entered the house followed by Kiba-minus Akamaru-, Shino, Neji, Gaara, Temari, and Ino. ‘Uh oh. I didn’t think there’d be this many people here. I just hope Naruto doesn’t mind.’ Tenten thought to herself. “Hey guys! Welcome! Come on in, mi casa es su casa!” Naruto said to his guests. ‘Then again, I guess he doesn’t really mind.’

“So, what’re we doing?” Kiba asked obviously ready to party. “You’ll see soon enough.” Sasuke said with a sly grin. The original four ninjas had come done from their highs shortly after Tenten arrived, and decided not to get high again until after the other guests arrived so they could all get high at once.

“Only a couple minutes left guys!” Tenten called from the kitchen. “Hey sweetness, what’s goin’ on?” asked Tenten’s boyfriend Neji as he wrapped his arms around her from behind. Tenten smiled, “Not much Neji. Just baking some treats for everyone.” “What kind of treats?” her boyfriend pressed on. “Oh, you know. Some cookies, a few cupcakes, brownies, and some Rice Krispy treats.” Neji chuckled to himself. “You do love to cook don’t you?” he asked. “You bet your sweet ass I do.” Tenten said to Neji.

“Hey listen, I got some ecstasy back at my house. Maybe after this, you and I could go back and try it out.” Neji said. “Oh, I don’t think we’ll need to do that tonight Neji.” Tenten told him. Neji cocked an eyebrow at his girlfriend. “What do you mean by that?” he asked. Tenten giggled, “I’m not telling. It’s a secret.” Neji crossed his arms, “Really?” he asked with a hint of disbelief in his voice. “Really.” Tenten said. “Well okay then. I’ll be in the living room with the others.” Neji said giving his girlfriend a quick kiss on the cheek.

Back in the living room, some of the people had begun getting restless. “So are we going to fucking do anything or what!?” Gaara exclaimed impatiently. “I’m the damn Kazekage! I can’t just sit around here doing nothing!” “Wait, if you’re Kazekage, then who’s watching the village?” Sasuke asked Gaara. Gaara sighed, “I have Kankuro doing it. I’m only supposed to be gone for a few days anyway. What’s the worst that can happen?” Back in the sand village, a massive sandstorm hit. “Oh dear God! Why us!?” screamed the villagers. “We only live in a desert! But still, why us!? This is all Kankuro’s fault! Let’s lynch him!”

“Food’s done!” Tenten said. She set some food down on the counter of Naruto’s kitchen. “Help yourselves guys,” she told everyone. “Oh boy! Food!” Choji exclaimed as he began wolfing down various treats. “Boy this stuff is good!” Temari said. “What’s in them?” Tenten shrugged, “Just the usual ingredients for each treat. Oh, and a secret ingredient.” “Well whatever you guys put in these things it’s good.” Kiba said. After awhile, the group began feeling the effects of the “special ingredient” kick in.

“I feel weird, like I’m going to float away.” Choji said. “Considering your size, that’d be something to see.” Kiba commented smartly. “Fuck you!” Choji said. “This seems oddly familiar.” Neji said this time. Naruto, who was still sober enough to notice this, looked at Neji. “What’s it feel like?” he asked. “Like when I smoke some ganja back home. God, I remember the first time I got blazed. One of the best feelings in the world hands down.” “So you’ve been stoned before?” Naruto asked. “Yep.” Naruto began laughing now, “Well I’m glad we’ve got that established. I guess I can say that all those treats you guys ate all contained weed as the special ingredient.” After the words left Naruto’s lips, everyone turned their gaze towards him. “What? Is something wrong?” Kiba jumped to his feet. “Hell yeah there’s something wrong! You had us eat an illegal substance, who knows what…” Kiba stopped short and then looked at his hands. “Whoa, my hands…they’re huge! They can touch anything but themselves.” After saying this though his hands connected with each other. “Oh wait,” he finished.

Apparently, now the drugs were taking effect. It was especially apparent because Temari turned towards Choji and smirked at him. “Hey big boy, you’re kinda cute.” “I think you’re hot too!” Choji said. “Let’s make out!” they both said simultaneously. Which they then began doing. Naruto had brought out his karaoke machine which he, Sasuke, and Gaara had decided to all three sing a little song called “Brass Monkey” on, with Naruto getting first verse, Sasuke getting second, Gaara getting third and all three of them doing the chorus. Their performance went a little like this.

Brass Monkey - that funky Monkey
Brass Monkey junkie
That funky Monkey

Got this dance that's more than real
Drink Brass Monkey here's how you feel
Put your left leg down your right leg up
Tilt your head back let's finish the cup
M.C.A. with the bottle D. rocks the can
Adrock gets nice with Charlie Chan
We're offered Moet we don't mind Chivas
Wherever we go with bring the Monkey with us
Adrock drinks three Mike D. is D.
Double R. foots the bill most definitely
I drink Brass Monkey and I rock well
I got a Castle in Brooklyn that's where I dwell

[repeat chorus]

Cause I drink it anytime and anyplace
When it's time to get ill I pour it on my face
Monkey tastes Def when you pour it on ice
Come on y'all it's time to get nice
Coolin' by the lockers getting kind of funky
Me and the crew we're drinking Brass Monkey
This girl walked by she gave me the eye
I reached in the locker grabbed the Spanish Fly
I put it with the Monkey mixed it in the cup
Went over to the girl, "Yo baby, what's up?"
I offered her a sip the girl she gave me lip
It did begin the stuff wore in and now she's on my tip

[repeat chorus]

Step up to the bar put the girl down
She takes a big gulp and slaps it around
Take a sip - you can do it - you get right to it
We had a case in the place and we went right through it
You got a dry Martini thinking you're cool
I'll take your place at the bar I smack you off your stool
I'll down a '40 dog" in a single gulp
And if you got beef you'll get beat to a pulp
Monkey and parties and reelin' and rockin'
Def, def - girls, girls - all y'all jockin'
The song and dance keeping you in a trance
If you don't buy my record I got my advance
I drink it - I think it - I see it - I be it
I love Brass Monkey but I won't give D. it
We got the bottle you got the cup
Come on everybody let's get ffffff

[repeat chorus]

They got into their performance too, dancing, gesturing, and rapping through the whole thing. However, right as the performance ended, Shikamaru came in. “I heard there was a party going on here?” he asked. “SHIKA!” Ino exclaimed as she glomped the lazy ninja. “Whoa! Is there something I missed?” he asked as Ino began making out with him. “Yeah, we’re all blasted. Unfortunately, we used up the last of the weed on our goodies.” Naruto said sadly. Shikamaru got up despite now having his shirt ripped off and his pants unzipped by Ino who had become extremely horny and who was hanging onto him. “Well then, it’s a good thing I brought this.” Shikamaru said producing several bags of weed. “Hooray!” everyone shouted as Shikamaru began passing the weed out.

Meanwhile, in Tsunade’s office, the contents of the box had been revealed to be…you guessed it. Weed! In fact Tsunade and Shizune were stoned out of their minds. Jiraiya came in through the doors and looked at Tsunade. “You wanted to see me Tsunade?” he asked. “Yeah I do. I’ve been thinking and, we’ve known each other for a long time. And just now I’ve realized what a sexy man you are.” Jiraiya looked confused. “A what?” was all he could say. “Come here you hot hunk of man!” she shouted as she tackled him to the ground and began doing things with him that would be unmentionable in a family setting.

Description
Naruto: The Crazy, Messed Up, Hyper, Insane Chronicles

Episode 1:
Duuuude, whoa!

It was just another day in sunny Konoha. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, the birds were singing, people were walking around minding their own business. Everything was serene. But for a few people, everything was about to change. Naruto and Sasuke had been assigned by Tsunade to pick up a “special package” from Shikamaru’s house. Whatever it was, it seemed important as Tsunade refused to tell the two just what the package contained. She also forbade anyone but the two friends/rivals to make the pick up.

“I wonder what exactly it is Granny Tsunade wants us to pick up for her.” Naruto said to Sasuke. Sasuke shrugged, “How the fuck should I know? All I know, is what she told us, and that’s to pick up the package, don’t look in it, deliver it to her office, and leave immediately.” Naruto put his hands behind his head like he normally did when walking somewhere, “Man I really wish I knew what the hell it is,” he whined. “Well whining isn’t going to do anything, so shut the fuck up. Besides, we’re here.”

Sasuke told Naruto. Naruto rung the bell and waited for a minute. He then rung it again…then again, and again, and again, obviously amused by the bells sound. However, Shikamaru answered the door while Naruto continued to ring the doorbell. Sasuke smacked Naruto up alongside his head to get him to stop. “What are you guys doing here? I was trying to take a nap when you guys decided to wake me up.” Shikamaru complained to the two other ninja. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry about interrupting your beauty sleep man, but we’re here to pick up a package for Granny Tsunade.” Naruto said.

Shikamaru scratched the back of his head and yawned. “What a drag, well follow me then, I’ll get the package for you.” The other two followed the “Lazy Genius of Konoha” down into his house’s basement. He went into a room and began looking through boxes trying to figure out which one was the right one. While they were waiting, Naruto’s keen sense of smell picked up a strange scent. It was a strange smell he’d never experienced before and followed it to a door, which was slightly ajar.

He pushed the door the rest of the way open and found the source of the pungent smell. The room was apparently filled with special UV lights shining down on small trays that had a strange green plant with seven leaves growing from them. “Hey, what the fuck, are you doing?” Shikamaru yelled at Naruto. “What is this stuff?” Naruto asked. “What’s what?” Sasuke asked. He turned to look into the room and saw the little garden Shikamaru had. “Holy shit man!” Sasuke yelled. “You have a fucking weed garden in your basement!” Shikamaru groaned in frustration before saying, “Yes, I have a weed garden in my basement. It’s…a family tradition so to speak. No one’s ever found out until now.”

“Well that explains why you’re always so relaxed.” Sasuke stated. “What kinda weeds are they?” Naruto asked. “No, not weeds. Weed.” Shikamaru said. Naruto just looked at him obliviously. “Pot, ganja, marijuana, sweet leaf. Any of those ringing any bells?” the recently revealed pothead ninja asked. “Nope.” Naruto said. Shikamaru slapped his forehead. “You’re sixteen and you don’t know what weed is?” he asked. (AN: I forgot to mention, this is set a year after the Shippuden episodes.) Naruto just shrugged his shoulders. Shikamaru sighed and scratched his head. “Man, what a drag. Well tell you what, since you are a good friend and all, instead of explaining it to you, I’ll just give you some for free,” he said.

Sasuke’s eyes grew large. “You’re just gonna give us free weed?” he asked. “Why not? I don’t see the point in hording it all for myself.” Shikamaru explained. He went back into the little closet where the package for Tsunade was. He pulled the package out along with another smaller one. “All you need is in this package. Oh, and you might need to go grocery shopping after awhile,” he warned. “Why?” Naruto asked. “You’ll see.” Shikamaru replied with a rarely seen smirk on his face. Naruto took the packages from Shikamaru, thanking him and leaving with Sasuke. “Hm, maybe I shouldn’t have done that. Oh well.” Shikamaru thought.

(page break motherfuckers)

Naruto and Sasuke delivered the package to Tsunade without delay or having looked inside it. The two were then debriefed, and paid, before they ran off to Naruto’s apartment. “Okay, so let’s see what we got here.” Naruto said as he opened the box. Inside it were some bags of what appeared to be dirt (weed), brown chalk (hashish), some paper to make joints, some paper with bizarre recipes involving weed, instructions on how to make a joint, and a CD marked “Special Toking Music Mix”. Naruto pulled a small bag of what appeared to be dirt. “So this is weed, huh?” He sighed and pulled out the instructions and he and Sasuke followed them making themselves a couple of joints. Sticking them in their mouths they both took a match. “Well here goes nothing.” Naruto said as he and Sasuke struck their matches and lit their joints.

(page break motherfuckers)

Five minutes later, they were totally blasted. The two lay on the floor giggling as “Purple Haze” by Jimi Hendrix played on Naruto’s small stereo. Sasuke pointed up at a weird stain on the ceiling and said, “You see that stain right there? That could be a whole ‘nother world, with a whole ‘nother Sasuke and Naruto.” Naruto giggled a bit. “Yeah. Who knows? Hey, you know what’s funny?” he asked. “What?” Sasuke asked back. Naruto thought for awhile, but then looked stumped. “I don’t know,” he said. Sasuke burst out laughing which was weird considering it was Sasuke man.

“I feel so very light right now. Like a balloon just floating away.” Sasuke said dreamily (like as in he’s acting like he’s dreaming people okay?). “I’m sooooooooooo fucking hungry right now.” Naruto said. Sitting up he said, “I’m gonna go see if I have any Teddy Grahams.” He walked into his kitchen and looked at his cupboard. “Now how do I open this again?” he thought out loud. He stared at it for a good ten minutes before he noticed the handles on the doors. “Oh yeah,” Naruto said pulling open the doors.

“Ahhhhh shit, no Teddy Grahams. You know what this means right?” Naruto said to Sasuke. “Road trip? I call shotgun,” he said excitedly from the floor. “What, no we don’t have cars. We gotta go shopping.” Naruto said. “Oh yeah, heh, heh,” the other ninja said hazily. “Well let’s go then.” Naruto said grabbing his wallet Gama-chan, and dragging Sasuke with him.

Outside, on the streets, Sasuke and Naruto stumbled around in their stupor trying to not seem suspicious to passersby. However, due to their, rather unnatural behavior, and the fact that they were talking rather loud, it was hard not to seem suspicious. It wasn’t made any better when they made it to the store and got the Teddy Grahams. “That’ll be $3.40 guys,” the cashier said. “OKAY!” Naruto shouted. “Um, sir there’s no need to shout,” the cashier said. “I CAN SHOUT IF I WANT TO! I DON’T NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO! ISN’T THAT RIGHT SASUKE!?” “YEAH!”

By now the cashier was freaking out. He wasn’t sure if they were angry, crazy, or just retarded. However, he was scared out of his mind and was about to piss himself. “Fine, just take the Teddy Grahams. I don’t care, just please don’t hurt me!” he said pleadingly. “Okie dokie!” Naruto said, grabbing the box and leaving with Sasuke stumbling along behind. The cashier then had a heart attack, passed out and pissed his pants, all in that order.

As Naruto and Sasuke were walking home, Hinata and Sakura were walking up on the other side of the street. They were talking about how Hinata needed to tell Naruto about her feelings before it was too late. Seeing Naruto and Sasuke coming up the street Sakura nudged Hinata and nodded over at the two. “Better now then never.” Sakura said quietly to Hinata. Hinata shook her head in understanding. As she made her way over to Naruto, she kept thinking to herself, ‘Just tell him how you feel, just tell him how you feel.’

When she made it over to Naruto, she said, “H-Hello Naruto.” Naruto stopped and looked over at Hinata. “Oh, hey Hinata. Just the person I wanted to see,” he said. Hinata looked surprised at his statement. “R-Really?” she asked. “Yeah, I just wanted to say, and d-don’t interrupt me cuz I need to say this. I really, really, really like you.” Hinata was stunned beyond all belief. Naruto in his stoned state mind perceived this as her not believing him. “What don’t you believe me? Fine, if you want proof here’s some proof.” He then grabbed her and slammed his lips against hers in a surprise passionate kiss!

Sakura’s jaw hit the ground as she witnessed this. She knew something must be wrong with Naruto and decided to see what was going on. She was stopped by Sasuke who had stepped in front of her, “Hey Sakura, what’s going on?” Sakura looked at Sasuke with a look of bewilderment on her face. ‘Sasuke too, what is going here?” she thought. “Look Sasuke, I’d love to talk, but I have to see why Naruto is acting so weird.” Sasuke didn’t here any of this though. He looked down at Sakura’s chest with a look of slight confusion. “I need to get by so I can…” She stopped short when, without warning Sasuke grabbed one of her breasts. ‘Is he…he is…Sasuke’s grabbing my boob.’ Sakura thought. “Heh, heh, this is soft. It’s squishy too!” Sasuke said amused.

Sakura’s mind was racing with different thoughts. ‘What’s going on here? Why are Naruto and Sasuke acting so weird? Why is Naruto, who barely even noticed Hinata’s affections before, now all but screwing her on the sidewalk? Why is Sasuke grabbing my chest? And…do I really want him to stop?’ Sakura was really confused and wanted answers. Unfortunately, if she wanted answers, she’d have to ask Sasuke and Naruto. And that would mean Sasuke would have to stop what he was doing. Of course, she then realized that this was all happening in public and had to be stopped before someone happened upon them.

Sakura regained her composure and tapped Sasuke on the shoulder. “Um, Sasuke? Could you please stop?” she asked. Sasuke immediately stopped groping Sakura and grinned a big stupid grin. “Okie dokie!” he said. Removing his hand from her chest he stood in front of here still grinning that stupid looking grin.

Calming herself down, Sakura looked Sasuke, square in the eyes. Or rather, she would have if they weren’t looking around everywhere hazily. “Sasuke?” Sakura said waving a hand in front of his face. “Yeah, I’m me.” Sasuke said. “Uh, are feeling okay? You seem to be acting well…not like yourself.” Sasuke frowned and displayed a look of thought and confusion on his face. “Really? How do I usually act?” he asked. “Are you serious?” “I think.” Sakura slapped her forehead.

“Sasuke why are acting like this? And why is Naruto acting like a retard. Or rather more of one than he normally acts.” Sakura asked. Sasuke was laughing to himself, “I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.” Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose. “Well could you at least give me a hint?” she asked hopefully. “No, but I can show you.” Sasuke said. Sakura smiled hopefully, “That’d be good.” Sasuke turned around, “Hey Naruto stop eating Hinata’s face and let’s show Sakura and Hinata our little secret.” Naruto tore his face away from Hinata’s, “Okay,” he said unaware of what was really going on.

The two lead the girls back to Naruto’s apartment. “Now make sure not to tell anyone okay?” Naruto said to the girls. “Okay, just show us.” Sakura said impatiently. Naruto pulled his key out, but had a little trouble getting it in. However, he finally did and unlocked the door. The two lead the girls into Naruto’s apartment, which was dark due to the fact that the windows blinds were shut, and the lights were off.

“Why is it so dark in here?” Sakura said. She then took a whiff of the air and wrinkled her nose. “And what is that awful smell? It’s like a skunk died in here or something.” “Oh, yeah. I better get the lights.” Naruto said. He walked over to the wall and flicked the light switch. Sakura’s eyes widened the second she saw what was on the coffee table next to Naruto’s couch. “YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SMOKING POT!” Sakura screamed at the top of her lungs at the two. “Yeah, Shikamaru gave it to us.” Sasuke said nonchalantly.

“YOU IDIOTS! DON’T YOU KNOW THIS STUFF IS ILLEGAL! YOU CAN DO SERIOUS TIME FOR THIS!” Sakura screamed some more. Naruto just waved his hand at her. “Eh, you worry too much Sakura. Nobody’s gonna find out. Nobody lives in this apartment building anymore. It’s perfectly safe.” Sakura growled at the two. “You need to chill out more Sakura.” Naruto said. “Yeah, you should try some of this weed. It’s good shit.” Sasuke agreed with his good buddy.

“No, way. I’m not going to be lured into doing something like that by you two. Especially you Sasuke, I’d expect better from you.” Sakura said disappointedly. “Really? But I’ve been smoking ganja for awhile now.” Sakura’s jaw dropped. “You WHAT!?” she asked/screamed. Sasuke laid back taking a hit from a joint. “Yeah, back when I was with Orochimaru we would smoke doobies to unwind. Thank God for all the exercise training gave me, or all those Twinkies I ate would have made me look like a blimp. Heh, I also remember once when Kabuto went out to get some coke for Orochimaru while he and I were stoned.”

(Flashback time!)

Orochimaru and Sasuke were sitting around on the couch in Orochimaru’s living room stoned out of their minds. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. “Who is it?” Orochimaru said lazily. “It’s me Kabuto, open the door.” Orochimaru paused as if in thought. “Kabuto’s not here.” Orochimaru replied. “I know, I’m Kabuto, I’ve got the coke. Open the door before someone comes along.” “Kabuto’s not here.” “I know, I’m Kabuto.” “Kabuto’s not here.” Kabuto had gotten fed up with dealing with his master while stoned. “Okay, you know what it’s the cops open up,” he said to trick his master into opening up. “Oh God! Sasuke flush it!” A flushing noise was heard and the door opened to reveal Orochimaru with blood shot eyes. “Just kidding! It’s me Kabuto!” A look of horror appeared on the Snake Sannin’s face as he realized what he had Sasuke do. “OH NO!” he exclaimed.

(End of flashback bitches)

Sasuke laughed to himself, “Good times, good times.” Hinata, unlike Sakura, had never heard of pot before due to her sheltered upbringing and therefore didn’t understand quite what was going on. “I’m confused Sakura. What is pot anyway?” she asked. Before Sakura could answer though, Naruto spoke up. “It’s an amazing thing Hinata. It makes you feel relaxed, happy, and totally stress free. Here try it,” he said offering Hinata a joint. “Don’t you take that Hinata, it wouldn’t be right.” Sakura said.

“Oh that’s bullshit Sakura and you know it.” Sasuke said. “They only say it’s bad because they’re too afraid of change and that the people who block its legalization don’t want to be proven wrong.” “Yeah, I mean it’s the easiest drug to quit, it’s not extremely addictive, and it would mean a decrease in violent street crime if legalized.” Naruto said quoting facts about the drug. “That’s not true! Hinata don’t listen to them, pot is…” Sakura trailed off though because while Sasuke and Naruto were talking to her Hinata grabbed a joint and lit it up.

“Hinata?” Sakura asked in disbelief. Hinata exhaled the smoke from her joint in a slow relaxed fashion. “Wow, this is amazing.” Hinata said, now feeling the full effects of the weed. “OH. MY. GOD! You’ve turned Hinata into a pothead!” Sakura exclaimed hysterically. “No, we haven’t. We’ve helped her relax and learn to appreciate things more.” Naruto said. Hinata climbed onto the couch next to Naruto. “Yeah, Sakura. I now appreciate things a lot more now. Especially, certain things,” she said as she put her hand down Naruto’s pants.

Sakura at this point was freaking out. “What the fuck!?” she screamed/asked. “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, that weed also makes you really horny sometimes.” Naruto said. Of course he then began moaning right after he said that due to Hinata’s handy work with his package (Forgive that awful pun/innuendo). At this point Sakura was freaking out. Her whole concept of what was right and wrong was collapsing around her. For years she was taught that weed was wrong. In fact she remembered when she was little the talk on weed she was given by her parents.

(Flashback time!)

Five year old Sakura was sitting on the couch in her living room, with her parents sitting on chairs facing the couch. “Now Sakura do you know why we’re having this talk?” Mrs. Haruno asked. “No.” Sakura stated flatly. “Well honey, we’re going to talk to you about something called marijuana so you can know about it.” Mr. Haruno said. “Okay.” Sakura said. “You see honey, marijuana is what is known as a drug. It’s bad for you and could do bad things to you.” Mrs. Haruno said.

“Really? Like what?” Sakura asked intrigued. “Well it can uh…” “It can make you go blind!” Mr. Haruno cut in to save his wife from making an ass of herself. Sakura gasped in horror. “But that means I’d never be able to become a ninja.” “That’s right honey,” said Mrs. Haruno. “And it makes your hair fall out.” “Noooo!” Sakura screamed. “But the worst part, is that it makes your brain melt out through your nose.”

By this time Sakura was scared out of her mind. “So honey, will you promise us not to smoke marijuana?” they asked. “Yes.” Sakura said. “Good, now run out and play with your friends.” Mrs. Haruno said. “Okay.” When Sakura left, Mrs. Haruno let out a sigh. “God, I need to relax.” Mr. Haruno grinned, “I got just the thing,” he said. He pulled a box of weed out, and rolled a couple of joints. “Aren’t we being hypocritical telling our daughter not to smoke weed when we do it?” Mrs. Haruno asked. “Nonsense! We’re the parents. We can do what we want even if it goes against what we preach.”

(End of flashback bitches!)

‘I wonder why I had that last part in my flashback. I wasn’t there. Well whatever. My parents told me not to do weed and I’m not doing weed.’ Sakura thought. ‘Pffft! You still listen to mommy and daddy?’ her inner self asked her. ‘Well of course, it wouldn’t be right to disobey them.’ ‘Oh like you haven’t done it before?’ ‘No’ ‘What about last week? Your parents told you they didn’t want you to have sex till you were married. And what do you do after your date with Sasuke? You and he fuck each other’s brains out! So don’t bullshit me about how you never disobey your parents!’

Sakura realized that her own inner self had backed herself into a corner. It had a point. She looked around the room. Sasuke seemed peaceful enough. And Hinata and Naruto were currently going at it like two dogs in heat while the song ‘2 Hookers and an 8-Ball’ by Mindless Self Indulgence played on the stereo. “Okay fine. I’ll try it. But I’m not gonna like it.” Sakura said as she sat next to Sasuke and took a joint, and lit it up.

(Page break motherfuckers!)

It had been two hours since Sakura partook of the sweet leaf Naruto and Sasuke had received from Shikamaru. The four were sitting on Naruto’s couch. Hinata and Naruto were in their underwear and they were watching Mythbusters on TV (That is such a fucking awesome show, and if you don’t like it, you SUCK! Kidding). Something exploded on the show and the four laughed at the antics of Adam, Jamie, and their crew.

“Oh Adam, you’re obsession with explosions will be the end of you one of these days.” Sasuke said. “I think Tory is hot!” Hinata said unexpectedly. “Is he hotter than me?” Naruto asked her slyly wiggling his eyebrows. Hinata once again surprised everyone, “FUCK NO!” she shouted. “He’s hot but he ain’t nothing compared to you my sexy, foxy, stud of a demon boy.” Hinata told him before making out with him hungrily. “Hey! If you guys are going to do it, please go somewhere else.” Sakura said irritated. The two separated though they really didn’t want to.

As the four watched Adam and Jamie try out the myth on being thrown back by a gunshot, the doorbell rang. “Oh dammit! The fucking door’s open!” Naruto screamed. The sound of the door opening emanated throughout the apartment. “Hey Naruto, have you seen Sakura and Hinata anywhere?” came Tenten’s voice from the foyer. “They were supposed to meet me at my house this…after…noon. Um, what the hell are you guys doing?” she asked as she came into the living room.

“Just hanging out, watching TV.” Sasuke said. “Then why are Naruto and Hinata in their underwear? And why does it smell like a skunk in here?” Of course that’s when Tenten saw the joints and bags of weed and hash sitting on the end table. “Oh my God, have you been smoking weed?” The four looked at each other. They were trapped. A girl like Tenten was the most likely person to tell on them and get them arrested and removed from the ninja corps.

“I can’t believe you guys! Especially you, Sakura! How could you do something like this?” Despite the stoned state of minds the four were in, they felt a little guilty and scared about what Tenten would do. However, that was all expelled when Tenten added, “Without telling me.” The four looked at her questioningly. “Yeah, I’ve smoked weed before. Hell, I’ve even done LSD and ecstasy. Plus I know recipes for hash brownies, space cake, weed cookies, and ganja goo balls.” Naruto’s mouth fell open. “You can make food with this stuff?” he asked. “Yeah. It’s pretty tasty too. Why?” Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other. “Let’s call Choji,” they both said simultaneously.

(Page break motherfuckers!)

About an hour later, Choji arrived at Naruto’s house. While not as pudgy as he used to be, Choji wasn’t exactly muscular either, he was somewhere in between pudgy and regular. Like Jack Black or um…me for instance, ahem well anyway he wasn’t as fat as he used to be. “So what’s going on here? I heard you guys were having a party or something and had food.” By this time, Naruto and Hinata had got back into some clothes and the joints were hidden.

Tenten who was in the kitchen making the “special treats” stuck her head into the foyer. “Hey Choji. The food’s almost done cooking and should be ready shortly,” she told him. “Good, oh and hey. I ran into some guys on the way here and brought them along.” Choji responded. “Cool, the more the merrier.” Choji entered the house followed by Kiba-minus Akamaru-, Shino, Neji, Gaara, Temari, and Ino. ‘Uh oh. I didn’t think there’d be this many people here. I just hope Naruto doesn’t mind.’ Tenten thought to herself. “Hey guys! Welcome! Come on in, mi casa es su casa!” Naruto said to his guests. ‘Then again, I guess he doesn’t really mind.’

“So, what’re we doing?” Kiba asked obviously ready to party. “You’ll see soon enough.” Sasuke said with a sly grin. The original four ninjas had come done from their highs shortly after Tenten arrived, and decided not to get high again until after the other guests arrived so they could all get high at once.

“Only a couple minutes left guys!” Tenten called from the kitchen. “Hey sweetness, what’s goin’ on?” asked Tenten’s boyfriend Neji as he wrapped his arms around her from behind. Tenten smiled, “Not much Neji. Just baking some treats for everyone.” “What kind of treats?” her boyfriend pressed on. “Oh, you know. Some cookies, a few cupcakes, brownies, and some Rice Krispy treats.” Neji chuckled to himself. “You do love to cook don’t you?” he asked. “You bet your sweet ass I do.” Tenten said to Neji.

“Hey listen, I got some ecstasy back at my house. Maybe after this, you and I could go back and try it out.” Neji said. “Oh, I don’t think we’ll need to do that tonight Neji.” Tenten told him. Neji cocked an eyebrow at his girlfriend. “What do you mean by that?” he asked. Tenten giggled, “I’m not telling. It’s a secret.” Neji crossed his arms, “Really?” he asked with a hint of disbelief in his voice. “Really.” Tenten said. “Well okay then. I’ll be in the living room with the others.” Neji said giving his girlfriend a quick kiss on the cheek.

Back in the living room, some of the people had begun getting restless. “So are we going to fucking do anything or what!?” Gaara exclaimed impatiently. “I’m the damn Kazekage! I can’t just sit around here doing nothing!” “Wait, if you’re Kazekage, then who’s watching the village?” Sasuke asked Gaara. Gaara sighed, “I have Kankuro doing it. I’m only supposed to be gone for a few days anyway. What’s the worst that can happen?” Back in the sand village, a massive sandstorm hit. “Oh dear God! Why us!?” screamed the villagers. “We only live in a desert! But still, why us!? This is all Kankuro’s fault! Let’s lynch him!”

“Food’s done!” Tenten said. She set some food down on the counter of Naruto’s kitchen. “Help yourselves guys,” she told everyone. “Oh boy! Food!” Choji exclaimed as he began wolfing down various treats. “Boy this stuff is good!” Temari said. “What’s in them?” Tenten shrugged, “Just the usual ingredients for each treat. Oh, and a secret ingredient.” “Well whatever you guys put in these things it’s good.” Kiba said. After awhile, the group began feeling the effects of the “special ingredient” kick in.

“I feel weird, like I’m going to float away.” Choji said. “Considering your size, that’d be something to see.” Kiba commented smartly. “Fuck you!” Choji said. “This seems oddly familiar.” Neji said this time. Naruto, who was still sober enough to notice this, looked at Neji. “What’s it feel like?” he asked. “Like when I smoke some ganja back home. God, I remember the first time I got blazed. One of the best feelings in the world hands down.” “So you’ve been stoned before?” Naruto asked. “Yep.” Naruto began laughing now, “Well I’m glad we’ve got that established. I guess I can say that all those treats you guys ate all contained weed as the special ingredient.” After the words left Naruto’s lips, everyone turned their gaze towards him. “What? Is something wrong?” Kiba jumped to his feet. “Hell yeah there’s something wrong! You had us eat an illegal substance, who knows what…” Kiba stopped short and then looked at his hands. “Whoa, my hands…they’re huge! They can touch anything but themselves.” After saying this though his hands connected with each other. “Oh wait,” he finished.

Apparently, now the drugs were taking effect. It was especially apparent because Temari turned towards Choji and smirked at him. “Hey big boy, you’re kinda cute.” “I think you’re hot too!” Choji said. “Let’s make out!” they both said simultaneously. Which they then began doing. Naruto had brought out his karaoke machine which he, Sasuke, and Gaara had decided to all three sing a little song called “Brass Monkey” on, with Naruto getting first verse, Sasuke getting second, Gaara getting third and all three of them doing the chorus. Their performance went a little like this.

Brass Monkey - that funky Monkey
Brass Monkey junkie
That funky Monkey

Got this dance that's more than real
Drink Brass Monkey here's how you feel
Put your left leg down your right leg up
Tilt your head back let's finish the cup
M.C.A. with the bottle D. rocks the can
Adrock gets nice with Charlie Chan
We're offered Moet we don't mind Chivas
Wherever we go with bring the Monkey with us
Adrock drinks three Mike D. is D.
Double R. foots the bill most definitely
I drink Brass Monkey and I rock well
I got a Castle in Brooklyn that's where I dwell

[repeat chorus]

Cause I drink it anytime and anyplace
When it's time to get ill I pour it on my face
Monkey tastes Def when you pour it on ice
Come on y'all it's time to get nice
Coolin' by the lockers getting kind of funky
Me and the crew we're drinking Brass Monkey
This girl walked by she gave me the eye
I reached in the locker grabbed the Spanish Fly
I put it with the Monkey mixed it in the cup
Went over to the girl, "Yo baby, what's up?"
I offered her a sip the girl she gave me lip
It did begin the stuff wore in and now she's on my tip

[repeat chorus]

Step up to the bar put the girl down
She takes a big gulp and slaps it around
Take a sip - you can do it - you get right to it
We had a case in the place and we went right through it
You got a dry Martini thinking you're cool
I'll take your place at the bar I smack you off your stool
I'll down a '40 dog" in a single gulp
And if you got beef you'll get beat to a pulp
Monkey and parties and reelin' and rockin'
Def, def - girls, girls - all y'all jockin'
The song and dance keeping you in a trance
If you don't buy my record I got my advance
I drink it - I think it - I see it - I be it
I love Brass Monkey but I won't give D. it
We got the bottle you got the cup
Come on everybody let's get ffffff

[repeat chorus]

They got into their performance too, dancing, gesturing, and rapping through the whole thing. However, right as the performance ended, Shikamaru came in. “I heard there was a party going on here?” he asked. “SHIKA!” Ino exclaimed as she glomped the lazy ninja. “Whoa! Is there something I missed?” he asked as Ino began making out with him. “Yeah, we’re all blasted. Unfortunately, we used up the last of the weed on our goodies.” Naruto said sadly. Shikamaru got up despite now having his shirt ripped off and his pants unzipped by Ino who had become extremely horny and who was hanging onto him. “Well then, it’s a good thing I brought this.” Shikamaru said producing several bags of weed. “Hooray!” everyone shouted as Shikamaru began passing the weed out.

Meanwhile, in Tsunade’s office, the contents of the box had been revealed to be…you guessed it. Weed! In fact Tsunade and Shizune were stoned out of their minds. Jiraiya came in through the doors and looked at Tsunade. “You wanted to see me Tsunade?” he asked. “Yeah I do. I’ve been thinking and, we’ve known each other for a long time. And just now I’ve realized what a sexy man you are.” Jiraiya looked confused. “A what?” was all he could say. “Come here you hot hunk of man!” she shouted as she tackled him to the ground and began doing things with him that would be unmentionable in a family setting.