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Published: 2015-10-23 13:06:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 331; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Chapter 2After the meeting Cookietail mewed a goodbye to Graystreem.
“Goodbye Cookietail,” he hesitated before adding “M-Maybe we can meet up sometime?” There was a gleam in his golden eyes that wasn’t there before.
Cookietail felt her fur grow hot, but she had to object. For the best of both Clans. Also what would Goldenclaw think?
“Not now…”
Graystreem looked heart-stricken. “Ok…”
Cookietail herd her name being called by Goldenclaw. She needed to go now.
“Goodbye Graystreem!”
“Bye!”
Cookietail felt his golden gaze watch her go. She flicked her ears in discomfort. The brod deputy bouned tords the she cat.
“Where have you been,” Golden claw’s eyes where filled with concern. “We’ve been looking for you!”
“I’m sorry Goldenclaw,” I mumbled to him. As I was about to say something else he cuffed me over the ear playfully.
“Don’t do it again stupid fur ball!” His sky blue eyes were playful as he picked up some moss of the moist ground and flung it at Cookietail.
“Wha-“
“Ha!”
“Hey-“
“Enough!”
They both turned to see Cookietail’s father Winterstar hovering over them with a serious grim on his face.
Goldenclaw dropped the moss from his mouth and dipped his head respectively to the leader.
“I- I’m sorry Winterstar,” He was crouching on the ground now.
“I would expect more from my deputy.” Winterstar said icily to Goldenclaw. Those words seemed to pierce Goldenclaw like an overgrown thorn.
“We have a lot to do and you know this,” He was beginning to walk away.
“Get back to camp you tow!” he growled as he vanished into the bracken.
Goldenclaw immediately sat up, twitch his ears, and started washing his golden orange tabby fur. In between licks he would mumble to himself “He’s no fun,”, “Rude,”, “We were just playing,”
“Goldenclaw are you ok?” Cookietali aked in a worried voice.
Goldenclaw sat up, pricked his ears, and blinked twice. “I’m fine; I-it’s that ever since I’ve been deputy it’s too much responsibility for me…” He blinked again. “I never get to have hang out with you or my sister.”
“Get up you stupid fur ball,” There was a new kind of playful in her voice and her icy blue eyes shown a deep connection between the two.
Goldenclaw sighed and stood up rolled his blue eyes and padded towers Cookietail .
“There you go!” Cookietail joked. She flicked him in the face with her tail, stuffing her tail fur in his mouth.
With fur still in his mouth, muffled Goldenclaw mewed “When was the last time you washed, eeewwww!” There was humor in his eyes and there was a gleam in his eyes.
Cookietail snatched her tail back and tougher the trotted back to the Iceclan’s camp.
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Comments: 2
The-SilverSilhouette [2015-11-03 23:13:10 +0000 UTC]
Again, watch who you are. I would recommend 3rd person for you. It's easier to write and describe people. It's hard to say "My light brown pelt was so dazzling in the wind" without it taking away from the character, if you know what I mean. So never use the words "I, we, us, our, mine," or any word that includes yourself outside of quotations. It will help with context
Also, watch your quotations. Once you have a steady back and forth, you can easily just do quotes with a simple "enter" in between them. But before you can do that, you need to make sure EVERYONE understands who is talking. For instance this would be bad:
"How dare you!:
"Im just doing what any other assassin would do!"
"No, you're just a jerk!"
"Am I?"
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"Oh, nothing!" Josephine turned her back to Dana
A better idea:
"How dare you!" Dana barked
"Im just doing what any other assassin would do!" Josephine smirked
"No, you're just a jerk!"
"Am I?"
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"Oh, nothing!" Josephine turned her back to Dana.
See the difference? You have no idea who is talking in the first one. So be careful with quotations as well.
The story line is excellent. Spelling is getting better (Btw.. if a word has red under it, just right click on it and it will give you spelling options). Love the characters, keep it up!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
HawkFrostDM In reply to The-SilverSilhouette [2015-11-03 23:58:30 +0000 UTC]
I know it was a indecent!
I looked over it and said shit!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0








